Ubersite - The Porno Movie (Script) (2394 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.63 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrStrangeDhruv <bigdhruv.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-15 15:08:17 EST
Titles.
=============================
SCENE 1 - INTERIOR - DAYTIME
=============================
A long marble table stretching wall-to-wall. Several Ubersite members sit at chairs at either side of the marble table. At one end of the table sits BART.
BART: Welcome to UberConf II, our second formal discussion meet. As you know, UberConf is dedicated to preserving the sanctity of the Ubersite pages, by unbiased, impartial judgment of the cases put before us. So with that absolutely objective and even-handed viewpoint in mind, we are here today to discuss the case of Ubersite v/s Ass-Mongering Shitty Retarded Cocksucking Chum Buckets, viz. the several posters who have been clogging up the Ubersite pages with mindless, incoherent ballyhoo that poop-throwing monkeys wouldn't be caught dead writing. The to-be-impartially-adjudged question before us is, should we kill them by brutally slamming their skulls with keyboards and CPU components, or should we not give a fuck and instead all get into a big, sweaty orgy of glass-shattering sex and lunacy?
KRISTEN: The sex. I think it'll be great because th-
[ALL UBERSITE MALES AND LISACATX]: Me too! Same vote.
The camera takes a slow round of each female around the table, as they seductively remove each article of clothing. They then proceed to mount themselves atop the table and crawl over to the males in the manner of a wild, hungry and psychotic tiger stalking its prey. Yet they all converge in their paths, directing themselves towards a single male, the apparent alpha male, a person called DRSTRANGEDHRUV.
As Lisa props herself into DRSTRANGEDHRUV's lap, a blinding flash of light appears, and the scene changes.
=============================
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR - NIGHTTIME
=============================
DRSTRANGEDHRUV is in bed. He wakes up with a start. The reason is he hears the sound of approaching footsteps.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Fucking ass-donut in a bongo market. It was a dream.
Light footsteps continue to be heard in the distance.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: What's that?
The footsteps get louder.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV alights from the bed. His muscular form comes into view in the frail moonlight, and he makes his way to the door. As he nears it, it bursts open. SPIKEGODDESS appears in skimpy lingerie. She puts one hand on her waist and cocks her hip to one side. She gives a light smirk and pouts her lips. Her body screams "fuck me". There is an intense moment of silence between the two characters. SPIKEGODDESS stares deep into DRSTRANGEDHRUV's eyes, and lightly jiggles her buxom form in front of him. Throbbing pornographical music plays in the background as SPIKEGODDESS waits for DRSTRANGEDHRUV to speak.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV (irritably): Hello. What do you want?
SPIKEGODDESS: What?
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Hello. What do you want?
SPIKEGODDESS: WHAT? That's it?
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Er - yeah, I guess.
SPIKEGODDESS: Asshole.
SPIKEGODDESS turns her back and leaves. DRSTRANGEDHRUV goes back to his bed.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Fucking bitch had to interrupt my dream. Just when it was getting good, too.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV drifts back into sleep, and the screen blurs into the next.
=============================
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR - DAYTIME
=============================
The scene is back at the conference room. A wild orgy has broken out, in that several comely female Ubersite members crowd around DRSTRANGEDHRUV and gratify him in exciting, heart-stopping ways whilst the rest of the room plays 3-Card Monte on the tabletop.
RAZOR: Four of hearts.
REALLYBORED: Ace of clubs.
MICKGINNY: Jack of diamonds.
KRISTEN: OHHH ohh Dr. that feels so good... mmm....
JMG114: Queen of clubs.
KAELIC: Five of spades.
RAZOR: Three of hearts.
SPIKEGODDESS: Ooh, Dr., I've never done it this way before!
BIGMIKE: Two of clubs.
IDDQD: Eight of spades.
BART: King of diamonds.
LISA: Mmmmmmm yes yes yes yes yes yes yes OH Dr. no no no no OH yes yes yes yes
RIZZO: Nine of hearts.
CATSCRADLE: Three of clubs.
MICKGINNY: Ace of spades.
IDDQD: Damn!
MICKGINNY: Haha! I win! Man, this game is exciting!!
LACYFACE: Mmmmmmmmmm oh Dr. yeeeeesssss
Once again a blinding flash of light appears, and the scene changes.
=============================
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR - NIGHTTIME
=============================
A sound of approaching footsteps wakes the broad shouldered DRSTRANGEDHRUV from his sleep.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Jackass mongooses with tits and a nutcracker. It was a dream.
The sound of approaching footsteps gets louder. DRSTRANGEDHRUV walks to the door. It is suddenly swung open. There stands KRISTEN, clad in nothing but very revealing underwear. She poses in an unbelievably salacious manner, propping herself against the doorframe with a "come hither" look in her eyes. She places a hand on her hip and smiles invitingly.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV (irritably): Yeah, what??
KRISTEN: Er... what?
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: What? What do you want, woman?
KRISTEN: Erm. Listen I thought you'd -
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: I was sleeping.
KRISTEN: Hmph! Well, fine, asshole!
KRISTEN turns and leaves. DRSTRANGEDHRUV returns to his bed and lays down once more.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Damn whores. Keep waking me in the middle of my sexy dreams.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV drifts back into sleep, and the screen blurs into the next.
=============================
SCENE 5 - INTERIOR - DAYTIME
=============================
DRSTRANGEDHRUV is still surrounded by the admiring clan of women, which has now grown some to include JESSICA ALBA, CAMERON DIAZ and KATRINA KAIF, all au naturel, all happily satisfying the Ubersite alpha-male. The other members of Ubersite are now playing monopoly.
MICKGINNY: I got Leicester Square!! YES! Damn, this game is exciting!
JESSICA ALBA: OH, Dr.!! I've never had anything in there before!
HIDDEN101: Man, I just lost $200 'coz of your damn hotel. Damn it, this game gets me so worked up!
KATRINA KAIF: Ohhh Dr.! Mmmmmmm yes touch me there mmmm you too Cameron
JONUKAH: I just need one more pink to complete my set! Just one more!! Man, this game makes my heart beat so hard.
CAMERON DIAZ: Mmmmm gulp gulp mmmmmmmmmmm gulp gulp mmmmmmmmmmmm gulp gulp
QUARTERMAIN: Squattail, you dick, you landed on Chance like 5 minutes ago. Pick up the card and read it!
SQUATTAIL: WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT
JESSICA ALBA: Oooohh that's it, all over me Dr., mmmmmmm!!
Once again a blinding flash of light appears, and the scene changes.
=============================
SCENE 6 - INTERIOR - DAYTIME
=============================
DRSTRANGEDHRUV wakes up on hearing the sound of heavy approaching footsteps.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Carrots up a horse's bunghole. It was a dream.
The heavy footsteps get louder. DRSTRANGEDHRUV shifts his maxed out body across to the door. On cue, it is thrown open. Standing there before his vision is MICKGINNY.
DRSTRANGEDHRUV (irritated): Yeah, what now?
MICKGINNY (smiling): BODY MASSAGE!
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Shit.
Movie ends.
User Reviews
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-12-05 09:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Mozilla tab that is)
But this was some funny, funny shit.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-12-05 09:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:38:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr,
You obviously know how to write screenplays. Are you a screenwriter in real life? Most people don't know the format stuff like using all caps for character names, etc.
SpikeGoddess
---
As soon as I saw the screenplay syntax, I'd already given you a +2 in the next tab.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-05 08:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-17 11:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'd rather have the dream Kristen than the real Kristen, too.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-17 03:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry about that, Kristen, but you were interrupting my dream, dammit.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-17 03:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY CRAP! I missed this!
I was shunned and denied by you, DR. Not cool.
Submitted by Freeman at 2004-01-17 02:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jackass mongooses with tits and a nutcracker. It was a dream.
Aaaaaaaah...Hahahahahahahaha...
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-16 01:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'll notice, the part of the porno with me in it seems to be everyone's favourite part.
As it should be.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-16 00:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, where IS the part in which hidden turns LisaCat into a narrow sea channel?
Submitted by defender0417 (user info) at 2004-01-15 23:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wheres the scene where hidden make lisacat strait, or lisacat makes a part of hidden strait (I know, I'm horrible for using a pun, don't tell me about it).
Submitted by MacG <Stillstuck@iraq> at 2004-01-15 23:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I second queenashlee statement..Im made my share of shit posts and maybe a few good ones...damn it put me in shit. Im even trying to come to the next ubercon maybe then il be in a spoof thingy....
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-01-15 23:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
QUIT LEAVING ME OUT OF SHIT!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-01-15 23:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
QUARTERMAIN: Squattail, you dick, you landed on Chance like 5 minutes ago. Pick up the card and read it!
SQUATTAIL: WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT
I would give you more than +2 for this if I could. This is laugh out loud stuff.
Submitted by sharpie (user info) at 2004-01-15 23:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit.
-adam
+2
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-15 20:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a dirty, dirty boy.
That's all right. I'd love cock from the Doc.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-01-15 20:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
QUARTERMAIN: Squattail, you dick, you landed on Chance like 5 minutes ago. Pick up the card and read it!
SQUATTAIL: WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT
that and the "BODY MASSAGE" plug made this an instant +2 classic.
Submitted by esso_merda (user info) at 2004-01-15 20:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha!
Georgi: "Ooohhh. You guys make me so...sooo...Line?"
Maxxx Orbison: "'You guys make me so horny!'"
Georgi: "Oh yeah. You guys make me sooo horny!"
Orgazmo
Submitted by MrWillard at 2004-01-15 17:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This sucked for three reasons:
1) Once again, I didn't get any
2) No one else got any either
3) No lesbianism. Every good porno orgy has lesbianism
Thus you get a -2. Try harder next time.
Thank you for your patronage.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-15 17:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!
But where is Slick Rick and the infamous Black Rodney?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-01-15 17:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you very much...
...in the pooper.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr,
You obviously know how to write screenplays. Are you a screenwriter in real life? Most people don't know the format stuff like using all caps for character names, etc.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok that was hilarious. I'm at work and everyone is looking at me.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh me likee the fiesty ones! They take a little longer to break...
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! By the time I'm done with you, you'll think you were a virgin before I met you.
Mommy indeed. *evil grin*
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm only 25, so I'm still perky. Old enough to make you call me mommy, though! *whip noise that I can't spell*
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOAHHH SHIT!!!
+2!!
+2!!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOAHHH SHIT!!!
+2!!
+2!!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Nat, how old are you anyway? I've always enjoyed older women.... *evil smirk*
And yes, 84 is the birth year
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't help but +2 this. You just might be my favorite egomaniac. The squattail thing was amazing.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buncha self centered people ;)
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you all. For the record, the whole focus was intended to be on me, which is why none of you got larger parts. And even if I had given you larger parts, none of your 'parts' would be larger than mine, har har.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Jedi Pimps? What's the deal? Ah, even with out it was still funny. Good post.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
QUARTERMAIN: Squattail, you dick, you landed on Chance like 5 minutes ago. Pick up the card and read it!
SQUATTAIL: WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hahahaha
Very funny post.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's okay. I suppose the right thing to do would be to have me boink maiorano84, then. If '84' is the birth year, we'll have to make it a Mrs. Robinson type deal.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! Put me and Conan in the next one!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What?? You forgot the part where Yes comes in and does one of the girls.....
In the pooper
And you also forgot me.... how could you, Dr.? I thought I was your favorite......
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoops, sorry, Natophelia. Just slipped my mind, that's all.
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....genius fine Dr, genius
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"DRSTRANGEDHRUV (irritated): Yeah, what now?
MICKGINNY (smiling): BODY MASSAGE!
DRSTRANGEDHRUV: Shit.
Movie ends."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
that had me rolling on the ground!
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn, <starts to clap> bravo! bravo! that was an epic classic in porn.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
Oh man that was funny. It should of had more of me in it of course. But it was still good.
"QUARTERMAIN: Squattail, you dick, you landed on Chance like 5 minutes ago. Pick up the card and read it!
SQUATTAIL: WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT"
-Classic
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-15 15:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ppppffffffffffffttttt...what...am I not dirty enough for ya? Sheesh...