Don't Forget To Wipe Awareness Day (1437 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2004-01-18 13:08:52 EST
Well, today's my birthay. The not so big 1-9.
I should be in relatively good spirits, right? Wrong.
The other day as I was taking a shit, I happened to be browsing the monthly apartment newsletter. Seeing as how my birthday was in January, I looked to see what week day it fell on.
Sure enough, there it was. Sunday, January 18th. But that's not all - Sunday is also a very SPECIAL day. Why is it special? That day (today) is Winnie the Pooh Day. That's right. Winnie the Fucking Pooh. I'm not bullshitting this - look it up. I share a 'special' day with a "pooh" that has consistent munchies as well as a fetish for piglets. I jettisoned some 'pooh' of my own. I then flushed the toilet.
Thinking that was bad enough in itself, I scanned the rest of the Calendar. Did you know that we now have National Hug Day? And National Step Father's Day.
National Step Father's Day? We're celebrating divorce now? What the fuck is that?
National Beaver Day, National Kitchen Utensil Appreciation Day, National HomoBeastiality Day, National Infant Goat Awareness Week - where does it end? Does it? This Appreciation and Awareness Day business has gotten way out of hand.
In fact, if it were up to me, there would only be three holidays:
1. July 4th
2. New Years
3. National Beat The Shit Out Of Whomever Came Up With National Winnie The Pooh Day Day.
If it were up to me, usage of the word 'Bubbah' would be prohibited and having intimate conversation with someone after eating a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos would be punishable by death.
But I can't do all that. It's not up to me. You know it's up to? I'll tell you who.
Remember when you were a kid growing up, you and all the other neighborhood kids would have huge water gun fights? And remember, everyone had pretty much the same thing, a cheap little water pistol from the dollar store. Except that ONE kid. You remember him. He didn't have any ordinary run of the mill water gun. No sir, not him. He had the Super Soaker 5000 Hydro Blaster that came fully equipped with night vision and a scope. He ruled the neighborhood. But that wasn't enough for him. He didn't stop there. His parents bought him the BACKPACK attachment to the Super Soaker that had EXTRA water. And did it end there? Certainly not! After the backpack he got the little wagon to tow behind him equipped qith 10 gallons of water just in case he had to put out a Wyoming Forest Fire after wreaking havoc at the local city park. He was the most powerful force in the neighborhood. Of course, by the time he got the wagon attachment you didn't care, because you had moved on to masturbation and marijuana, although preferably not at the same time.
But that kid that ruled the neighborhood, he now rules the calendar. There's not much of anything we can do to change that. My suggestion? Go back to masturbation and pot, not that any of us ever left it behind.
And don't forget to wipe between jettisoning poo and flushing.
User Reviews
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-01-19 16:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
prolly the homobestiality word
-Turtle
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-01-19 03:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another good one. But the ending analogy seemed kind of weak to me.
I still say you're lying about your age...
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-19 01:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder what the word that lisa learned was.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-01-18 17:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hap-poo Birthday.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-01-18 16:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My birthdays bonfire day.
BURN!
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2004-01-18 16:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skatastrophy (user info) at 2004-01-18 15:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course, by the time he got the wagon attachment you didn't care, because you had moved on to masturbation and marijuana, although preferably not at the same time.
Just for that +2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-18 15:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"And you know, I can really see a little George W. running around the neighborhood with the best watergun courtesy of Mom and Pops... then running around with a degree they bought for him...a Governorship...a Presidency.... "
I see that too.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-01-18 15:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail,
-Hadley
jettison.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-18 15:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy birthday. And thanks for teaching me a new word.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-18 15:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The not so big 1-9
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Rating 1.9
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Wierd huh? I'm going to spoil that wierdness now with this plus 2. Take that!
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-01-18 14:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-01-18 14:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, "I jettisoned some pooh of my own". that line made this post worth reading. We need a national blow the shit out of canada day.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-18 14:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy birthday to the undisputed creator of Ubersite's most hilarious posts.
Incidentally, the person who comes up with these freaking "Days" is none other than Mr. Hallmark himself. 'Paternal Grand-Uncle Once-Detached's Day', 'Bisexuality Day', 'Take a Shit Day', buy your cards now. Profits upon profits.
Submitted by abortionrules1 (user info) at 2004-01-18 14:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the girls in MY life, when I'm in the mood, I tell them not to wipe when they take a crap. Then I eat them out.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2004-01-18 14:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my birthday (may 9) is brazilian national orgy day, and sometimes mothers day too. go me.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-01-18 13:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sex can wait
Masterbate!
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-01-18 13:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what you mean.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-18 13:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you know, I can really see a little George W. running around the neighborhood with the best watergun courtesy of Mom and Pops... then running around with a degree they bought for him...a Governorship...a Presidency....
This theory is so true.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-01-18 13:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
considering how shitty the front page as of now, this is definately a step
in the right direction.
Masterbation and marijuanna....ahh the memories
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-18 13:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Birthday! Love the Super Soaker analogy.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-01-18 13:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.