I Don't Hate the Military, but... (3041 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Military
Rating: 1.86 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-01-20 08:13:36 EST
...some people take it just a little too far.
When my brother was in ROTC a few years back, there was fellow cadet in the cadre, named Calderone (everybody calls everyone by their last name in the military...bear with me). Calderone was one of those really hardcore, overzealous soldiers. You know the type: he wears the uniform everywhere, calls everyone "soldier", and uses words like "affirmative", "squared-away", and "battle plan" in everyday conversation.
Calderone was so hardcore, he used to run mock exercises on his Grandmother's farm all the time. He would practice his sharpshooting skills, in case he was ever called up as a sniper. He would dig foxholes and sleep in them over the weekend. And he would practice the "sweep and clear". You know, clearing buildings? Like his Grandmother's farmhouse?
One time, he invited another cadet to stay at the farm for the weekend, and Calderone decided to practice the sweep. So he got two of his DEER RIFLES, loaded them with blanks, and the two of them started to clear the house. Kicking doors in, shouting "CLEAR!", stomping down the hall in their combat boots, they were making quite a bit of noise. The other cadet just assumed that Grandma was out.
When they got to his Grandmother's bedroom on the second floor, Calderone kicked open the door, charged into the room, and started blazing away with his rifle, BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!! The concussion wave from the blanks even blew out a window.
His 87 YEAR OLD, DEAF IN ONE EAR Grandmother, who was sleeping, jumped out of bed and just about had a fucking stroke right there. Calderone screamed at her, "YOU'RE DEAD, GRANDMA, YOU'RE DEAD!!!" And swept out of the room to write up his post action report.
I'm pretty sure that guy is an artillery officer now.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-16 17:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's intense, man. I think my younger brother wanted to wear his Navy uniform the last time he was hanging out with me but that was only to pick up chicks and get free drinks at the bar we were going to.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 16:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-28 20:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiiiiice.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-28 20:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-01-24 23:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to do some searching on Google to find this, but it still cracks me up
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-30 21:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glooooooooorn!
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-04-30 21:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (user info) at 2005-04-30 21:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When i was a freshman, there was a guy in my ROTC that was exactly like that. I just heard he got greezed in an ambush in Iraq. Too bad all the shit he did didn't pay off.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-10 19:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
poor grandma
Submitted by ASSMAN (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny thing is, if someone like this went to Ranger school or SEAL school he'd prolly fail the first week.
Funny none the less
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-20 17:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could never say (to anyone), "YOU'RE DEAD, GRANDMA, YOU'RE DEAD!!!" with a straight face. I think you have to be retarded to be able to do that.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off at this.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Erm.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Game over, man! Game over!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-19 15:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought grandma was going to whip out her Colt 1911 and let the bastard have it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-19 14:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in ROTC with a bunch of people like this.
I always used to make a fool out of them in tactical competitions because they had to do thing s by the book and I wouldn't.
My motto was:
If you're not cheating, you're not trying.
If you get caught cheating, you're not trying hard enough.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-20 01:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me this is still hilarious.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-14 12:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"YOU'RE DEAD, GRANDMA, YOU'RE DEAD!!!"
oh my fucking god that's brilliant.
you should have stuck a SEAL on his ass
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the aims of getting some of the crap off the recently reviewed page, I'm gonna put this on there.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2004-02-01 23:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a tool.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-01-25 19:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Simply awesome. I spend ages waiting for Jimbo to post some really good shit and then all these stories appear at once. Fantastic!
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-01-20 15:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, hilarious.
"YOU'RE DEAD, GRANDMA, YOU'RE DEAD!"
Damn, I'm gonna have to have my tie dry-cleaned.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-20 14:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes i like this
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-20 14:36:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're dead Grandma!!! You're FUCKING DEAD!!!!
I almost fell out of my chair.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-20 12:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahhahaaaaa ooooh nooooo I'm marrying an artillery officer. Ruh roh.
That's okay; if he did shit like that I'd probably be right along with him. "OOooh OOOhh! I wanna play I wanna play!"
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-20 12:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
isn't arnie holding the rifle incorectly?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-01-20 12:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Commando, baby. Commando.
Submitted by Slopster53 (user info) at 2004-01-20 12:10:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Predator Rules, or is that Commando?
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-01-20 11:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor Grandma.
I did enjoy the Arnold pic.
Submitted by cuda (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
**Funny part about those types is they never do it right in the first place. So they end up being highly motivated idiots.**
This pretty much nails it.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, man!
HAHAHAHA that's funny
I'm glad she didn't die, then it would not have been funny.
Submitted by yeeah <no> at 2004-01-20 09:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By speaking of army... you have to check this out!!
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1063642497377032409
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-20 09:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just because it's a military post.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-20 09:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Gee, what a wanker. You better not be equating Arnie to that gun nut though. Arnie is a legend in his own time.
Submitted by yogimus <notsigningin> at 2004-01-20 09:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny part about those types is they never do it right in the first place. So they end up being highly motivated idiots.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2004-01-20 09:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what a nutjob
Submitted by Bobby101 (user info) at 2004-01-20 08:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehehe, hohoho, oh my.