Along Crept A Snake (Creative Writing For Phinch) (491 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Darth <Smeagol.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-20 17:39:57 EST
There was one thing that Jim hated more than the cold: the blisters that his synthetic boots created when marched through the packed ice his platoon members called "snow."
With his minced feet, the proud MP walked down the gilded hall with a light step. He marveled at how free his arms were when not constrained within excessive layers of thick insulated garments. Life felt good.
Strapping his FAMAS to his shoulder, Jim opened the door to the men's room and entered. Standing at the urinal, a relieved expression fell across his face. Warm feet, a patrol route inside of a nice building, and the potential of a promotion was all it took to bring joy to his existence. Resting his hand against the wall, images drifted into the youth's mind of where he would be in a few years.
Like paper over an open flame, black spots burned into Jims's eyes as hands cold as ice coiled round his throat. Constricted, Jim lashed his body about ferociously, a fish caught on a line and violently stolen from the sea.
Jim's clumsy hand darted for his radio as thoughts of Mother smiling raced to mind. While the radio fell on the floor and shattered, the sounds of diving into Hilton Pond with his girlfriend echoed within his ears. Filled with wrought iron pain, Jim slumped towards the urinal as the smell of his sister's peanut-butter cookies wafts through his nostrils. His head swelled and burned. With each slowing beat of his heart, another burst of pain surged though his nerves.
Jim sits with his father with a line of dental floss between his first loose tooth and the bathroom door. The pain is intolerable. Jim's tiny hand is being held by the strong, reassuring hand of dad, who gently tells him to be brave because it will be over soon.
The door slams shut.
A splintering snap reverberated within the room.
Jim's flaccid corpse dropped onto the urinal. As the cold chased the warmth of life from his body, greedy hands probed what remained of the lad. The intruder stood and cursed his prey, left with nothing worth to steal.
The snake slithered away, not realizing what it was he had taken.
Note: It isn't really a snake, its a commando for all you slow witted folks out there.
User Reviews
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-21 09:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn, yo. Write more.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-21 00:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Veddddy interrrrestttting
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-20 17:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
very not bad.
the explination at the end of the story was funny.