Rhetorical Question (An attempt at writing something funny for a change) (1382 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.57 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CrumbleBum <piperatthegat13.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-21 01:18:32 EST
So I make sammiches for a living. To be specific, I work in my parents country grocery store. So I perform a variety of tasks like sweeping and running a register and spacing out for hours on end while Bush's underperforming economy closes every factory and business within a hundred miles making the prospect of engaging in regular commerce a wet dream for most of the locals. But I digress. When people ask what I do for a living, I tell them I make sammiches. It sounds better.
So a few weeks ago, there I was. Making the sammiches. A shaved turkey and cheese with mayo and mustard, if memory serves. And in comes a fellow by the name of Joey.
Joey is a stupid, useless, fat fuck. He too 'works' for his parents, in the sense that he is occasionally allowed near his fathers work sites just long enough to fuck somehing up. His father has been quoted as saying, "Boy, if I'da known how you'da turned out, I'da pulled out and blowja on the wall." He seems to view our store as kind of a hangout, because nowhere else will put up with his ass puckering dumbfuckery. So he spends about half an hour standing around and asking inane questions of the customers who, if they've encountered him before, avoid eye contact, become larconic, and make there purchases as quickly as possible. Usually he wants to know about hunting. Most typically, he wants clarifications of the laws that regulate it. He comes up with various scenarios and ask if they're illegal.
"Iffin I was ta kill a seven or eight deer on the same day with a sledgehammer, and they was all babies, and I didn't tell anyone about it, and it was on a state park, and then I went and pissed in a Forest Rangers gas tank, and then I broke out his windshield and had a shit on the seat.... you think that'd be illegal?"
Of course, thats hyperbole. But he really can't seem to grasp some of the more simple regulations. This is symptomatic of his general inability to grasp and kind of social convention, or any concept at all whatsoever, for that matter.
So there I was. Making the sammiches. Slicin' the turkey. Squirtin' the mayo. Joey turns the catastrophic flaming multicar pileup that is his attention to Chris, our beer deliveryman and freind. Poor, poor Chris. He's a nice guy, and he's a deliveryman, so he's pretty accustomed to dealing with dipshits and there dipshitomancy, so I figure he's got this covered. Somehow, they get onto the subject of clubs, and going to them. It was at about this point that the conversation really turned to shit:
"I don't consider no place that lets Black People in a real bar..."
I wince. Chris winces as he turns his back on Joey to cart some beer towards the cooler. Chris is trained in being inoffencive, so he neither agrees with Joey, nor castigates him. Well, in Joey's tiny, malformed brain, this means that he's found a receptive source to his racism, and can now feel free to vent.
"It's gettin' so that you can't go to no clubs without 'em bein full of niggers..."
I wince. Harder this time. Me and Chris share a quick "Oh goddamnit" glance, and go about our business. So Joey continues flapping the hole. Nigger this. Nigger that. There this tubby, stupid, mongoloid looking fuck stands yammering on about the inconvinience these "niggers" provide him. Gradually, he moves to the subject of women, and his well informed, researched, brilliant insight that "there ain't nothin' lower than a white woman what fucks a nigger". And then, Gold. The funniest thing I had heard in at least a week came tumbling out of his mouth and into the atmosphere....
"Why you s'pose it is all them niggers are gettin' all our wimmin'..?"
Chris freezes. He stares at me. I stare at him. I crack a smile. So does he. I can't help it. Before I know it, I'm laughing. I'm standing in the deli, buckled over, laughing my balls off. Chris does as well. So do the two or three other customers waiting in line. All Chris can mutter is "I don't know Joey. I don't know."
It's funny when you're the only one who dosent realize you've asked a rhetorical question and answered it with your very presense.
User Reviews
Submitted by The.Masked.Assailant (user info) at 2004-01-24 18:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
yeah that's right you racist!
Submitted by The.Masked.Assailant (user info) at 2004-01-24 18:16:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"I could decide to be a dick and give you a -2, and ruin your perfect rating.
But I'm not a dick."
But i am..... i didnt like the use of "nigger" you racist piece of shit!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-01-23 22:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could decide to be a dick and give you a -2, and ruin your perfect rating.
But I'm not a dick.
Great article man, had me rolling.
Submitted by laurenthepirate (user info) at 2004-01-23 10:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha I bet joey's dad can double as his brother too.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-01-23 10:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny.
Submitted by Phlow <cows120.at.bonbon.net> at 2004-01-22 22:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good, very good ending. Being a dumbass myself, I didn't really understand it until I read that last sentence. :-D
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-01-22 11:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your attempt to write something funny has paid off. Stupid people are always funny.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-22 10:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure comedy gold.
Does Joey own a banjo by any chance?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-21 14:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-21 14:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really funny. I'm surprised this doesn't have more reviews?
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-21 05:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-01-21 04:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-21 03:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work, BrumbleCum.
You should tell Joey that his mouth "looks purdy" next time you see him
Submitted by CrumbleBum (user info) at 2004-01-21 03:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, positive feedback! I'm gonna get all big headed and stuff! I'm gonna get delusions of competancy!
Eck. I can never keep Theres straight. Sad. Makes me feel stupid.
Well, if you live in West Tennesee, you can stop by some time!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-01-21 03:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe... *sighs* hehehehehehe...
I want to visit your store
Submitted by skatastrophy (user info) at 2004-01-21 03:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Boy, if I'da known how you'da turned out, I'da pulled out and blowja on the wall."
+2 just for that.
This post was HI-larious good job.
You used there instead of their once just thougt id point that out
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-01-21 02:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty cool story
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-01-21 02:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story!
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-01-21 01:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-01-21 01:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that line... That's absolute gold.
+2 for striking comedic gold.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-01-21 01:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's been a long while since a post had me cracking up...
ass puckering dumbfuckery
-Turtle