Zombie ettiquete (978 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Andras (View user info) at 2004-01-21 02:11:59 EST
Well, about a week ago one of my friends came over to my house to, you know, hang around, listen to music, watch tv (we didnt go to a party or go to a club for reasons that might be revealed in another post).
Ayway, after seeing some bizarre, disturbing show about two (UGLY) people who were in love and another dude claiming that those 2 bastards were brothers and taking them to a TV court (a latin-american version of judge judy... it actually really amazing how there are rednecks in EVERY country in the world.... but I digress)
Well after this horrible, horrible, train wreck of a show (and human beings) we decided that it was time to go smoke a cigarette. So, we went outside of the house, lit the cigarettes and started happily inhaling, discussing stupid crap, music and other stuff, when suddenly my friend heard a weird noise. I thought he was just tired (it was around 3 am) and that there was probably nothing there, but when I got up to check something jumped towards me ad I almost shit my pants. THE HORROR! THE HORROR!... it was a goddamn cat. fucking little hairballs.. hate em.
OK after this monumental scare i picked up my cigarette from the floor and we started talking and between jokes we started to think what we would have done if it had been a mugger or a killer or an alien or something like that, and then the mother of all questions (well at least that night...): what if it had been a zombie?
Zombies, one of the main themes of several games, movies, and even some religions, feared for theyr infamous taste for human brains. After a while we actually realized something that changed our lives... well not really, but it amused us for some time: if it had been a zombie absolutly nothing would've happened. Why? very simple, zombies are slow. They are dumb, most of the time their limbs and other parts of their body are falling off. a single zombie wouldnt be able to hurt a poodle stuck inside a blender.
after this realization we started wondering why the hell are people so afraid of zombies?
one single swing of a baseball bat could knock out quite a few zombies, not to mention detach one of their limbs (which could also be detached to swing at zombies in case a bat is not availabe)
hell, even if you're a pacifist (or mildly retarded) its easy to not get eaten by a zombie: run.
It's not hard. Run to the nearest police station. And for the love of god, don't commit the same mistake of locking yourslef in the basement of your house. That is just as smart as trying to not get run over by jumping off a bridge. actually, if you DO lock yourself in the basement, don't worry, there is nothing in yor head for the zombies to eat, so they'll leave you alone.
In the case of the zombies being inside your house when you run like hell, close the door. Trust me, they came back from the dead, they have powerful jaws and everything but I'll be damned if they know how to turn a door knob, and even if their putrefact bodies bang against the door in order to break it, you'll have loads of time to escape.
one more thing,remember the running part? don't even bother running the fastes you can run, you can even power-strut your way to a place were people have guns or weapons of mass destruction or something, because the pope will announce his candidacy for chairman of the gay and lesbian alliance before the zombies catch you, you know, their average speed being a whopping 4-5 miles per hour.
OK I hope this little "lesson" enlightend you or at least made you tingly all over...
no. Wait. Scratch that one.
END
User Reviews
Submitted by Ricodrew (user info) at 2004-01-21 18:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe in this ones knowledge and wisdom towards zombies.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww nuts. I just did a bit on zombies and find this was posted before mine. Sorry man, no copying of ideas intended.
C
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies are easy to kill. less so if they are alien jigaboo zombies...or something.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have wondered the same thing about skeletons. After the initial shock of an animated set of human bones, what could they really do? Think about it. The skiniest, weakest motherfucker you know would outweigh a 6'6" skeleton by at least 50lbs. Pick them up by the ribs, break them over your knee (again, Ash style), and move on.
Then again, how strong and heavy is the evil energy that animated them? Nevermind, skeletons are scary as shit!
No, nevermind again. My own evil energy doesn't give me strength or weight. Just the trots every once in a while.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. I love killing zombies
Submitted by GreenGiant (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
zombies are slow and stoopid and hate shotguns
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-21 10:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you sure that was a cigarette you were smoking?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-21 10:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS post came from a new user?!?!
Wow, maybe some of these new people are recyclable.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-01-21 09:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause Zombies rule.
My zombie post:
Sleep, Wake Up, Shower, Kill Mrs. Chang, Go to Work, Come Home...Repeat
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1071245679415119756
included in that post is a great link to a Great Zombie Book: The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks (Mel's son). for some reason, i couldn't post it here.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-21 09:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thats why the only chilling accounts of undead usually involve the worde "Horde" or "Legion". "
Hahahahaa!
I'd just call up my good buddy Bruce Campbell.
"Yo Ash, bring the chainsaw."
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-01-21 03:39:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very reminiscent of Vincent Price's "Last Man on Earth". If you havn't seen it you should check it out. It is a testimony to the accurancy of the posting.
Submitted by Redrum (user info) at 2004-01-21 03:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, you'd have become dinner for whatever feasting zombie came along without much of a fight. Their ability to kill is very underestimated which is just how they like it.
Read the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency's Zombie Fighting Handbook and learn how to prepare yourself: http://www.fvza.org/zdefense.html
Submitted by Testament (user info) at 2004-01-21 02:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Greetings from a very Grim and Necro source.
I Hail your work, as it is, without doubt, THE most handy Zombie Survival Guide ever since "Night of the Living Dead III" (movie which, by the way, answers with a bold "YES" the age old question of "Can a Zombie be hot ?").
I appreciate the fact that you speak (and use only) the term Zombie, and not "Undead" (Which is a vague generalization, since Zombies are by far the lowest of our kind...)
In the end, I salute you for your fine piece of literature. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Favor the strong and curse the Rotten.
Tetsu-chan
Submitted by CrumbleBum (user info) at 2004-01-21 02:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's good to see people probing the dynamics of zombie combat. I'm a Fantasy LARPer (read that "I haven't touched a woman in well over two years") so I deal with zombies all the time, and the trick is that you need a lot of them. Thats why the only chilling accounts of undead usually involve the worde "Horde" or "Legion". A single zombie is pretty useless as an assassin for the obvious reasons. But seven or eight hundred of the fuckers cause trouble. They never have to sleep or stop moving, and they don't feel pain. Like, not even watching Average Joe hurts them. Not even Average Joe 2!
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-01-21 02:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RAWR!!! ZOMBIE RAWR!!!
+2 for zombie love.
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-01-21 02:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to know. When a zombie chases me I'll remember this