A picnic in the countryside (525 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ciaran <ciaran_flanagan.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-21 11:25:27 EST
This story is entirely true and retold are exactly as I remember it.
A few years back a lady friend and I were out having a picnic. Being the perfect eligible bachelor I had made the picnic and if I do say so myself the food was absolutely fantastic. My lady friend was totally in awe of my greatness and longed to be promoted to the celestial title of my girlfriend but alas I had not boned her yet. She was unworthy and most likely not physically or emotionally strong enough to handle such an awe inspiring life changing event that is doing the beast with two backs with the likes of myself. So we sat there all content and wistfully happy, our bellies being full. She was kissing the tips of my ears and dreamily telling me how warm and safe she felt in the glow of my presence. Who would have thought such a perfect scene would be spoiled? Not I.
Off in the distance I noticed a chemical truck driving down the road and Just as it passed a graveyard it suddenly exploded. The whole ground shook. My lady friend looked up at me and commented that I had Just made the earth move for her again, I patted her on the head and let her get back to work, even after such a delicious meal a girl needs her protein fix. Somehow I knew what was about to happen, call it intuition, call it sheer brilliance, call it whatever you like. I let the lady finish and then got up and went to the trunk of my really really sleek and expensive custom built sports car and took out my sword.
I gave it a few swings to loosen up and then headed up towards the graveyard. My lady friend followed in tow. She kept asking me questions like "Why are we heading towards the graveyard with a sword" and "Why are all those dead people crawling out of their graves?" And "why is that dead person sucking the brains out of the injured truck driver?" What do they teach 16 year gymnasts who model part time and have no gag reflex these days anyway?
So we get to the graveyard and I tell her to wait on the roadside. She looks pissed off and I remember that's where I had met her mother outside that small Czech town so I reluctantly let her hang behind me while I set out to do my manly man civic duty. Oh so predictably a putrid half decomposed Zombie guy starts lurching towards us. Being learned in the ways of such things I rolled my eyes and leaned against a gravestone to observe this much-loathed cliché. My lady friend screamed as the zombie approached. She bleedin' stood there screaming away and looking like a lamped deer just before a redneck blows its torso in two with an elephant gun. The zombie lurched forward, I lit a cigarette, she screamed. The zombie still lurched forward. She still screamed. She trips up and for some bizarre reason seems to have developed a complete inability to get up. She backs up and gets stuck against the railings. The zombie is nearly upon her. I finish my cigarette and thwack the zombie in the head with the pommel of my sword and then just decapitate it. I pick her up off the ground and send her back to the car. So all ultra cool and slick like I jump from headstone to headstone doing really visually stunning summersaults and flips and manage to destroy the brain stem on all the zombies in the graveyard.
Job done I head back to the car but have to battle some random ninjas on the way. Pesky ninjas are always trying to get me ever since I defeated their grand master in mortal combat on an ethereal plane of existence. So every new ninja thinks he is sooooo good and has to try to kill me but no, they just die. Must suck to die without honour, but I digress.
So I get back to the car and the girl is amazingly still alive. She begs for me to bone her so much so that I end up decapitating her as well. I hate women who beg, its so demeaning.
User Reviews
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-21 12:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sweet, 2 zombie posts this morning!
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Conversation last night regarding how to properly dispatch zombies and also the fact that teh addition of ninjas into anything automatically makes it cooler.
Also there had been a shit load of dumb spamming of recent so I thaught a nice silly litary thingy might lighten the mood.
C
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Um.....ok.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-01-21 11:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wh... What the hell is this? It sort of made me smile and zombies DO rock...but....
+1 because....just because.