Kroger, Skim Milk and Psychos, Oh My! (18369 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Miscellaneous
Rating: 1.94 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-01-22 09:59:09 EST
So I'm in Kroger the other day, picking up some milk for the wife and kids. A gallon of 2%, half gallon of skim.
Since my grocery list is so abbreviated, I decide to use the self-scan lanes. There are four stations, and I'm in line behind this goofy-looking guy with 3 days worth of beard, who smells like onions. The lady two stations ahead finishes her checkout, and the guy in front of me just stands there. I wait for a couple of seconds, then figure he's going to wait for the old man right next to him in station #1, who's almost done. So I skip ahead of him to station #2.
My mistake. The guy comes stomping up and huffs, "I was next in line."
"I'm sorry, thought you were going into that station."
"No."
"Okay."
By this time the guy at station #1 is done, so I pick up my milk, go over and scan it. The goofy guy is visibly agitated, punching in his PIN and generally acting like a twitchy fuck. He finishes up and takes off. I finish a couple seconds later and go out to the parking lot. As I'm walking to my car, I open the half gallon of skim to taste it to make sure it's good (I got burned once, it wasn't pleasant).
Goofball comes screeching up in his Olds, rolls his window down, and mutters (not looking at me, but I'm the only guy around).
"Fuck off, jerkoff."
His mistake. You want some of this, you goofy motherfucker? I point the open half gallon of skim at his open window, and squeeze with all the strength in me. The plastic explodes, violently shooting the entire container of milk directly into his fucking irritating face.
The guy screams like a fucking ree ree and squeals his car away, shouting at me the whole time. Just to be safe, I walk to some random car (a BMW...I hope it's Trevor Johnson's) and pretend like I'm putting the key into the door. The Goof, clearly desiring some more of this action, comes tearing up with his arm out the window, holding one of those long aluminum ice scrapers, looking like he's playing car polo. He's wild eyed, his face is dripping with milk, and he looks like one scary ass bastard. He takes a hard swipe at the rear of the Beemer, gouges a foot long scratch in it, and races out of the lot before anyone can chase after him.
I walk back into Kroger, buy another half of skim, and drive home, smiling all the way. But I don't go to that Kroger anymore, just to be safe. Goddamn psychos.
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-16 17:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 16:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-06-29 20:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Milk sucks.
BMW sucks.
This story was good
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest story I've read in a while.
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, great story!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, I came back to it, and the story still makes me laugh.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-05-28 14:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by anarkistsdream (user info) at 2004-11-09 13:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey bro, your kids should be lucky you're their dad...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-10-28 13:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, what a freak.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-27 21:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You want some of this, you goofy motherfucker?
No, I just want your 20 bucks when Bushy takes the cake, big man!
Submitted by suber-uber (user info) at 2004-10-27 21:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
News flash: you a psycho too!
Submitted by Stormlord (user info) at 2004-07-15 18:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Walking to that other car was a good move.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-09 15:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-06-29 20:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Milk sucks.
BMW sucks.
This story was good.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-06-01 09:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm pretty sure someone wrote a story exactly liek this except it was a crazy lady instead of a guy. Or maybe this is the second time I've read it. Whichever.
Submitted by kerthwap (user info) at 2004-05-24 21:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take that, BMW!
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-05-24 21:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care who you are, that's funny.
Submitted by smastro (user info) at 2004-05-24 21:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff. There's always a psycho at the grocery store - at least where I live.
Submitted by Rosencrantz (user info) at 2004-05-10 10:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where I live, we have these german stores called Netto and Aldi. That would be the closest equivelent we have to a Kroger and guess what? Psycho's, numpties, Insomniacs, cripples and the elderly all congregate there regularly. Its like a reject bin for nature's fuck-ups and they all have a beef with ya there. Some milk would do them good I reckon! Still, as long as I don't have to talk to them...
Submitted by Kichigai <slowSC2.at.Hotmail.com> at 2004-04-29 08:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-04-03 08:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good, and made better by the pictre
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-27 16:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Itsme at 2004-03-16 19:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it. Sooooo funnyyy : )
Phychos make life so interesting
Submitted by im_evelyn (user info) at 2004-03-04 02:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by siamesesem <siamesesem.at.aol.com> at 2004-02-12 16:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"fucking ree ree" made me laugh so hard i'm afraid the lawyers i work for are going to bust me.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-09 16:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by cheeze (user info) at 2004-02-05 18:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ree-REE!
melissa
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-02-05 18:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The guy screams like a fucking ree ree"
This cinched it for me.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-05 16:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Rhinox (user info) at 2004-02-05 01:49:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try working at Kroger. Did 2 years there during high school. I have seen more psychos while working there than I did during my stay at the nuthouse.
That needs to be a post all it's own.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-02-05 16:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHHAHAHA!!!
REE REE!?!?
Submitted by Norman (user info) at 2004-02-05 16:37:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by Rhinox (user info) at 2004-02-05 01:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try working at Kroger. Did 2 years there during high school. I have seen more psychos while working there than I did during my stay at the nuthouse.
Submitted by glycogen (user info) at 2004-02-04 09:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-01-30 16:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-01-29 19:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love skim milk and this is a great clip
Submitted by riggyrow <riggyrow.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-28 18:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as shite!
MiggetyMac: "I was skeptical about getting into any relationships because Hey! I'm in college I should be out having fun with lots of girls and keeping my options open"... Option #1: Sucking balls at the I'm-a-Vanilla-Ice-Wannabe-Look-Alike-Douchebag convention. Choad.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-01-28 14:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words: ree ree!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-01-28 12:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, Miggity is just mad because he still hasn't cleaned the milk out of his car.
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-01-28 01:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should've shouted "Don't cry over that, fella!" as he drove away.
But you didn't.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-27 17:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trevor Johnson gets OWNED once again
Submitted by White_Vampire (user info) at 2004-01-27 15:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2004-01-27 12:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of a story that I heard from a Ref that was doing our game (I help coach peewee football).
He made a call that ended up bringing a game winning touchdown back 60 yards because of a holding call. One of those assholes that lives through his son got FURIOUS, and lept onto the field, and started yelling and screaming at the ref. He was removed from the game by a state trooper, who came to watch his son play.
After the game finished off (with the angry man's team losing), the ref went to his car. There was the angry yahoo, with a hammer. He was an idiot, but he knew better than to assault someone in broad daylight (even though, no matter what he did, the ref could look at the rosters and find him that way anyhow). He drew his hammer, and starts pounding the shit out of a car, putting dents all over the place, busting windows in, the whole nine yards(hardy har har).
"What do you think of your shitty-ass call now, huh?," the rage-infested Cromagnon man said.
"Well, I'd be pretty upset if that was my car, but it's his," he said pointing at the state trooper.
Sometimes, there is a God.
Submitted by NutSack (user info) at 2004-01-27 05:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Got milk?
:)
----------------
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-01-26 01:37:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was soo happy after reading this post, until I read drunkmonk's comment.
That was soo darn corny, it ruined the mood. Still love ya, drunk
Nice one jimbo
----------------
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:54:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope he's not lactose intolerant.
Submitted by misskeebler (user info) at 2004-01-26 23:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work cowboy
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-01-26 22:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2004-01-26 21:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...Wilson Combat Arms 45 Caliber pistol, $1500.
Half gallon of milk, $2.50.
I might just have to start packing some moo juice.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-01-26 19:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Miggetymizac (user info) at 2004-01-26 19:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
awww poor baby lost your perfect rating
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahah! If you really did that, fanfreakin'tastic! But you need to be careful - people pull guns over stuff like that. +2 for crazy brave stunt.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steve at 2004-01-26 18:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha every single person so far has rated this 2 and it deserves it, best thing ive seen in a while from the boredatwork links
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-01-26 16:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay for throwing milk
Submitted by Drmunkyhead <Rabidwhale.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-26 15:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
godamn that was good...
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-26 14:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by curlzntwirlz (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful....
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. And I laugh some more!!!!
God I love the funny posts
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yep that definitely kicked ass... boredatwork all the way.
(thinking of keeping a 1/2 gal of milk in my trunk, ya know, let it ripen a bit just in case the moment arises where i need that sort a thing.)
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOOHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOO!
WANT SOME? GET SOME!
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-26 07:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No question, you fucking rule.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-26 07:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-01-26 01:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was soo happy after reading this post, until I read drunkmonk's comment.
That was soo darn corny, it ruined the mood. Still love ya, drunk
Nice one jimbo
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-01-26 01:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope he wasn't lactose intolerant!
*rimshot*
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-26 01:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God that is funny. It's also already on Bored at Work. NICE!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-01-25 19:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish I could think as quickly on my feet as you do. Great post.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-01-22 16:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey asshole! That was my Beamer!
Submitted by LarryG (user info) at 2004-01-22 15:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fo sho
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someguy (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The guy screams like a fucking ree ree and squeals his car away"
Ok that statement alone was worth the read...
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:54:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope he's not lactose intolerant.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahah Revenge of the Dairy.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-22 12:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! Hey he wasn't one of those uglies from Ernest Scard Stoopid was he?
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-22 10:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-22 10:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's fate...
Thank God for random bottles of bad milk.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-01-22 10:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He fucked with the wrong Uberer.
Note to self: carry around milk.
Submitted by Milkman (user info) at 2004-01-22 10:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's fucking great
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-22 10:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BRILLIANT - You should have gotten his plate number and called the police on his sorry ass.