5 Simple Ways of Getting Your Ass Fired..... (657 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <okiwilltellyou.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-22 13:15:36 EST
I was sitting at my desk, desperately trying to finish the last item in my in-box for that day, when I overheard the two office kiss asses discussing their New Year's resolutions. Apparently, Sue was shedding pounds within weeks of starting the new Atkins diet and feeling fabulously sleek. As I looked down and examined my silly-putty midsection, I think to myself, "Well now, aren't you just so special?" Hannah, on the other hand, was still in the middle of her job-enrichment course that she had decided to take, but it was going equally as well. "Actually, Mr. Richards told me he was impressed with my attentiveness to self enrichment, and he wished more people in the office would take such initiative!!!", she said smugly. I must have sighed a bit too loud hearing their drivel, because they looked over dissaprovingly-as usual-and turned their conversation to a whisper. Thank God I had finished the last of what I needed to do and was able to get the hell out of there.
Before heading up to my apartment, I stopped to get my mail--bills, junk mail, bills, no I don't need another credit card... and the new issue of the women's magazine that I subscribe to. Well at least I can read that tonight during a hot, sudsy relaxing bath. I get upstairs and quickly got my things done so I could do exactly that.
Ahhhh, the bathroom is steamy and the hot water feels wonderful on my aching, tired body. I start flipping through the various ads and true-life stories when I come across the article.."Five Simple Ways to Fight Stress and Be More Efficient at Work". Hmmmm, interesting. Stuff seems easy to do sure enough, and hey, why not make this my own resolution this year. Seemed harmless enough, and with a little help from the experts, I figured this as a resolution that I could actually keep.....Right???? ........
WRONG, DEAD WRONG!!!! The following is a list of those harmless, easy to do steps, what they were supposed to accomplish---and how they actually turned out:
1. Prioritize and STICK to it, no matter what--this will help you
not procrastinate on those less glamorous tasks that need to
get done.
I really didn't realize that the boss's wife's birthday was
tomorrow and he needed it after TODAY'S lunch hour....sigh..
2. Use an internet reminder service--they send daily emails to remind
you of important dates and events coming up.
They didn't say that they didn't block spam...I accidentally
opened the wrong one just as my boss came in to check on the
Johnson account..."No sir, I don't normally look at Britney
Spear's nude body during work hours.....honest".
3. When things get unbearable, totally relax for 10 minutes, lay
your head on the desk, or just sit back and close your eyes--
this will help you be able to regroup your thoughts and focus
on the task at hand.
What it actually did was make my boss think I didn't have a
whole lot to do, and give me more projects.........shit!!
4. Keep a sense of humor--looking on the brighter side of the
situation will help you keep positive and more energentic.
Well, I don't think that meant laughing out loud during the
meeting where our boss told us that the company was downsizing
and our workloads would be increasing......ugh, I guess my
timing is just wrong.
And last, but not least....
5. Carry a stone in your pocket--when you are very irritated, move
the stone from one pocket to the other, which will help
interrupt the anger cycle and give you a chance to regroup.
Oops, I really didn't think this one out--I got so pissed as I
was handling this stone, I THREW it at the offending person--
this being my boss's nit-picky snotty wife.....oh god, not his
wife again.....um, no comment...or,at least that's what my lawyer
keeps telling me to say.
User Reviews
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-01-22 18:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
okay, should have proof read it a bit more carefully.....the "it" was a birthday present for the wife. As for Loren....well, we all have our days right?
Submitted by Meat_Head (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"1. Prioritize and STICK to it, no matter what--this will help you
not procrastinate on those less glamorous tasks that need to
get done.
I really didn't realize that the boss's wife's birthday was
tomorrow and he needed it after TODAY'S lunch hour....sigh.."
By "it" do you mean his wife's present that he told you to get for him or steamy adulterous office sex that you provide him.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post shows me that:
a. you're boring
b. you're full of shit
c. you most likely believe your own lies
d. all of the above
Submitted by BRICKHOUSE (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the photo
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
AHAH what a shitty post
Submitted by The.Masked.Assailant (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what?
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-01-22 13:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my friends does the stone thing. I get angry and my inner child throws a tantrum...I will never understand...sigh.