Yes, I Think I Would Like to Have a Headache Every Day for the Rest of my Life: Roommate #3 (1829 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-22 14:27:22 EST
Roommate #2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/23228
Our guest bathroom toilet broke this morning. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing at 6 in the morning, battling with the hissing sound of a toilet that won't stop running instead of enjoying my morning coffee, my morning cigarette, and watching the news like I usually do before work. When I lifted up the tank lid to investigate, sitting at the bottom of the tank soaking in toilet water was a razor and a bar of soap. "What the fuck?" you may be wondering to yourself; but this couldn't strike me as shocking or atypical because such is the characteristic of my roommate, Joe.
The first time I met Joe - long before I knew that one day I'd end up living under the same roof as him - I thought he was retarded. No, that's not nice; that's not the right word for it. Slow? Mmm. A little, but I think the best way to describe Joe is "mentally lazy." Drinking more than most people do in a life time before he was even 23, his drunken antics would make even the most devout alcoholic think twice before taking a swig from his flask.
After our bad luck with our previous two roommates, I'd given up hope about the possibility of ever finding a good - or even just decent - roommate in Reno; I was completely indifferent to whoever ended up occupying the vacant bedroom, but had I known I'd end up living with a person like Joe (had I even known a person like Joe EXISTED), I would've been more persistent about putting in my two cents.
Before he'd even moved in we asked him to house sit/pet sit for us while we were out of town which resulted in (as you may recall from some of my past posts) a ripped bra and a garage door that "mysteriously" stopped working. Although he swore to us up and down that he hadn't even used the garage while we were gone, we heard from a friend who came to the party Joe threw while we were away that a silver car had been parked in the garage during the duration of the weekend. The lies had begun.
Next our food came up missing - an entire package of Oreos, our last can of tuna, a whole jar of pickles, and all of our leftovers from Christmas dinner. ALL of them: a complete plate of white meat from the turkey, half a pumpkin pie, and a Tupperware bowl of stuffing. The boy can EAT, but he'll never admit to it. When a full plate of leftover Christmas turkey inexplicably disappeared from our refrigerator, he not only denied eating it, but denied acknowledgement of said plate and even looked for it. Sure, fatty, dig through the fridge - maybe the plate of turkey's hiding behind the milk. Well, if I didn't eat it, and Matt didn't eat, and supposedly Joe didn't eat, then I guess the dog learned how to open the refrigerator? OR maybe someone broke into our house and didn't steal anything, but ate all of our turkey?
Dirty plates with stock piles of ketchup were left on the floor of the living room, our garage is filled from wall to wall with heaps of clothes and boxes (as is his bedroom) from 3 months worth of procrastinating completely moving in, and the word "clean" apparently is a part of his vocabulary or his function; there's a build up of something yellow at the bottom of his toilet leading me to believe that he must not be totally potty trained if he doesn't understand the concept of flushing. He masturbates in the living room and doesn't miss a beat if someone walks into the room, he leaves his underwear on the floor of the living room, and ultimately is the biggest pig I have ever met.
While we'd been told that Joe was moving out of the Delta Chi frat house so he could get more "quality studying time," truth be told, he was told by his fraternity brothers that he had two options: he could either a) clean up and quit being such a disgusting slob or b) move out. To give you an idea of how much of a pig Joe is: he was kicked out of a FRAT HOUSE for being *too* messy.
His porn collection, which he carries around in a red duffel bag, consists of Playboys from the 80s and 90s (okay, that's pretty normal), a collection of anime porn trading cards (a little odd, but still fairly normal - to each their own), and pictures of gymnasts, male and female, cut out from magazines and pasted onto notebook paper (what the--?).
If even after you know he's a slob, a pervert, and has no respect for other's things you still shrug your shoulders that he doesn't strike you as *that* bad of a roommate, his obnoxious alcoholism will be enough to drive you to the brink of your sanity and maybe even topple you right over the edge. Any given night of the week, you can find Joe throwing back a few brews and know it will result in something bad: he's peed on our curtains (again, the potty training thing); we've found him passed out at the side of his car, the car door still open and his legs still in the car; he's been left at a bar by his friends, walked home wasted, and passed out right in the middle of the hallway because after walking 2 miles from the bar he couldn't make it the extra four steps to his bedroom.
He's graduating in May with a bachelors in general studies, and while it may seem exemplary that a person of his stature has even made it through college, it's only been made possible through mediocre grades and never holding a job. His parents pay his rent and any bills he may have; at 23, Joe thinks that "work ethics" is a Greek myth.
Work, to Joe, is like a disease - currently he has a job as a lifter operator at a local ski resort. The duties of a lift operator are pretty much limited to sitting in a booth and stopping the lift if necessary. Occasionally you'll have to shovel, but rarely. The ski area opened on December 18, and since then he's gone into work a total of about 4 days, full of endless excuses as to why he can't go into work that day when all he's going to do instead is sit on his ass at home and tie up our phone line having cyber sex with 14 year old girls on the internet or sit on the couch with pillows under his armpits rocking back and forth as he plays our X-box. It's a wonder that he hasn't been fired yet.
"So why the hell are you still living with him?" you may be yelling at your monitor. Well, the nice perk about Joe is that he pays his rent on time (or rather his parents pay his rent on time), and due to conflicting schedules, we hardly ever see him - there's just hints of Joe living at our house: messy plates, sporadically a strange guy sleeping on our couch, underwear under the coffee table, and of course, those loud crashing noises he makes when he comes home after a night of drinking.
Truth of the matter is, the way things are going now, Joe won't be living with us much longer, which means that maybe you'll be lucky enough to read a post about roommate #4! ;-) Or maybe I'll be lucky and end up with a mundane roommate who's not worth writing a post about...
User Reviews
Submitted by canuckistan (user info) at 2004-02-27 23:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I met a guy who was a Delta Chi.
Haha roomies suck !
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-02-23 16:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can totally sympathize with insane roommates. And moochers are the absolute worst. But they're nothing a crowbar to the temple can't fix.
Submitted by Kai (user info) at 2004-01-25 04:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After reading your three roomate stories, I'd have to agree with you.
Reno is filled with nuts.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-23 13:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SHOULD COME LIVE IN LA WITH ME AND MY ROOMIE! WE'RE MUCH BETTER THAT THESE PEOPLE!
SORRY, I ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED ON CAPS. I DON'T WANNA GO BACK AND FIX THIS, BUT JUST KNOW I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-01-23 09:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2004-01-22 20:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"general studies"?
You don't even have to choose a major there? Odd.
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2004-01-22 20:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought you were talking about my ex-brother-in-law.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-01-22 17:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for your sympathy, shark25!! A new roommate with no off-the-wall quirks would be welcomed with open arms.
Unfortunately I've lost all hope that such a person exists in this city I live in. And as for patience and not killing him? Well, he must know how we feel about him because whenever something happens - the garage door gets derailed, some food comes up missing - it'll be days, even weeks, before he shows his face at the house again.
Matt, my boyfriend, has actually debated trying to ground him. I wonder if it would work...Regardless, it sure would be funny as hell.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-01-22 16:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you as a human for not killing one of these three people. You and your boyfriend must be the poster children for patience. You know I think God owes you a normal person to live with now.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-01-22 16:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have exceptionally good hearing. It can be a curse sometimes.
My buddy Josh and I used to share an apartment a few years ago, and everything was all good since most of the time our schedules matched up only on the weekends when we could have a few drinks and BBQ out.
Then he started seeing one of my friends. We'd worked out the rule of two due to my hearing. Meaning, both doors and both windows were required to be closed if there was going to be sex happening. I'd hear it otherwise, and at the time I was in a "dry spell" so it was really not something I wanted to hear! They broke the rule one night, and after losing 2 of the 5 hours of sleep I was going to get, I got up and threw an entire pitcher of cold water on them.
Bastards.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-22 16:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats sound bad, but at least you don't have to deal with the big, fat, loud, walks around without her pants on and doesn't shave her legs roommate that I deal with.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-01-22 15:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm all over it, you delectable specimen of femaledom, I want to garnish you with ketchup.
What?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-01-22 15:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GodChicken - Check your mail!!!!
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-01-22 15:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Joe is quite comical to someone who doesn't have to live with him.
Submitted by Freeman at 2004-01-22 15:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these stories.
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-01-22 15:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoy these, probably my favorite series i've read on here in a long while.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-01-22 15:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cigarette lighter fluid is an excellent skin irritant. you should soak his bed in it.
if he doesn't blow himself up, you'll be amused at the frantic itching and rash he develops..
Then you can make him paranoid that he caught it screwing around again.
Check your mail Phoenix.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Joe...
Phoenix I really want to know...What are you? http://www.ubersite.com/m/23725
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these room-mate posts! I just keep nodding my head and thinking yeah, I've been where you are. #4 should be good.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want another funny roommate from hell post, but I don't really want you to suffer through the antics of said roommate, so I'm kind of torn here. Hmm.
Good post though!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WillZone - I figured you'd given up as my stalker! ;-)
GodChicken - if you read this, email me - volklcess.at.aol.com. I need your email address so I can send you something that will make you piss your pants laughing. It has to do with "My Dixie Wrecked." ahahahaaa
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems to me like he may not be living much longer.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That sucks. How can one get kicked out of a frat house for being messy? Must be bad.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should make exlax chocolate brownies and hide them in the fridge.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will apply for the roommate position...
just to be near you...breathe the same air...watch you sleep.
(hows that for stalking? eh?)
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-01-22 14:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You have to be one serious fucking horror show to be thrown out of a fraternity house for being too messy.