The Great Cat Conspiracy (712 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.15 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <runswithscissorsbackwards.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-23 15:36:38 EST
I have three cats. Love them, hate them, say what you will. These lovely critters that I
share my space with are : Karl, about 3 years old, Tyson, close to 2 years old, and Otter,
8 months. In the cat world, still closer to kittens than anything else. For the most
part, we coexist quite well. I provide them with food, water, and a clean litter box, and
they in turn, provide me with hairballs, a variety of broken vases, glasses, and candleholders,
and their love of using the litterbox (which is in my bathroom) to take the nastiest smelliest
shit they can possibly muster while I am in the shower. (How a creature that small can
produce such an potently foul smell is still beyond me.)
There are very few rules I have, when it comes to my cats. The most important of these is this:
DO NOT wake mom while she is sleeping. Do not pounce on my feet or head. Do not sit by my
bed and yowl. Do not jump up on the bed with your playmate and proceed to wrestle and fight.
If you do this, you will discover, my beloved felines, that you CANNOT fly. (And all of them
have realized this, a number of times). Do not jump on the windowsill above my head and rattle
the blinds. This will not earn you a flying lesson, but you will receive a sharp swat on the
butt.
For the most part, this rule is well understood. So they have adapted. Instead of trying
to wake mom and play with her in the middle of the night, they engage in, what I like to call,
Kitty Rodeos, in the rest of the house at all hours of the night. Many times I have been
awakened by kathunk-kathunk-kathunk-kathunk WHAM! as the chaser tackles the chasee. Scrape-
scrape-scrape-scrape as the chaser who just tackled said chasee, now becomes the chasee and
is attempting to gain purchase on the hardwood floors with their little kitty claws, to run
away from the just-tackled-chasee-become-chaser. Kathunk-kathunk-kathunk-kathunk WHAM! As the
newly tagged chaser tackles the newly appointed chasee. Repeat ad infinitum. I have become
accustomed to these noises, so long as they stay out of the bedroom, or so long as they are
not also accompanied by the sound of breaking glass, and sleep thru them. This, I used to think, is just inate cat behaviour. Playing, entertaining themselves, you know? However, if the rodeo enters the bedroom, there is a low gutteral "Kiiiiiiiittiesssssssssssss" that emerges from my suddenly awakened mouth,that coincides with me grabbing the book from my nightstand and throwing it in the general direction of the cat battle. Scrape-scrape-scrape-scrape, as two pairs of frantic kitty claws attempt to exit the room at light speed.
Add to this mix, as some of you know, that I am now unemployed. My 9-5 schedule has now become
more of a "stay up until 3am, get up at 1pm" schedule. Nature of the unemployment beast, I
guess. True to form, bedtime last night was quite late. I am vaguely aware of a kitty rodeo
going on, but not in my bedroom so I sleep thru it.....until I hear several loud THUNKS, much
louder than the standard "cat jumping on other cats head and knocking them to the ground" thunk.
"GODDAMMIT CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I stumble to the living area to find a stack of magazines now
strewn across the floor, and a lamp balancing precariously on the verge of falling to the floor.
Fuck. Well, it is 10:30.....earlier than normal, but I am awake, might as well make coffee and
see what is on TV. 10:45. Coffee in hand. Walk past the bedroom and what do I see? Not one,
not two, but all THREE cats curled up on MY bed, fast asleep.
I used to think the purpose of the cat rodeo was simply cat behaviour. Entertaining themselves.
I now know the truth. Little fucking bastards.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-14 03:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=1066
I'm glad tohers found enjoyment in it as well.
I too have 3 cats. They are all female. I hate to love them.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-26 16:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
one, two, doggie's coming for you...
three, four, better lock your door...
My girls got fixed/declawed (I didn't want to!!!)last Thursday, and now the midget cat (5lbs full grown)has a giant Elizabethan collar on her head to keep her from pulling out the stitches on her tummy. It makes for a mighty tough life for a kitty that likes to rub her head on everything she walks past. *puuuurrrr THUNK purrrrrrrrr THUNK*
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-23 22:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I read my dog story... doesn't seem so scary in writing... but it IS.
What's he doing, staring at me, in the middle of the night? I'm waiting for his head to start spinning around, and devil voices to come out of his mouth.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-23 22:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Scrape-scrape-scrape-scrape, as two pairs of frantic kitty claws attempt to exit the room at light speed. " --- that line cracked me up...
And then Nat cracked me up, "GO KITTIES GO!"
My dog scares the shit out of me on occassion. How, you ask? He's huge, and at just the height where if he stands next to my bed, he can put his head on the bed.
I'll be sleeping on my side... for "some reason" I'll wake up, my face about 1/2 inch away from my dogs. He's just standing there- head resting on the bed- staring at me.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO KITTIES, GO!
Lucky for the people who don't want to hear it, I have to go so I don't have time to gush about my kitties. Seen here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/18821
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What was the matter with the plane?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
people with cats are strange... people with cats with human names are fucking nuts. that is all.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid blocks of text make the baby Jesus cry.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-01-23 15:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are supposed to name animals cool names that you cant name children. That't what I do anyway.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-01-23 15:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2004-01-23 15:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not sure why it sound familiar Loki.......she is named after one of the planes that I have
jumped from............if that helps at all...........
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-23 15:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a cat named Otter? Now why does that sound familiar?
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-01-23 15:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sounds like act lady needs a husband. kidding.
i love/hate cats.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-23 15:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nobody wants to hear some fucking cat story