UberPulp: The Case of The Low Sodium Monkey - Chapter 8 (1148 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPulp
Rating: 1.88 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-23 16:02:31 EST
As promised! Did you think it was never coming back?
Chapter 1: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062702524190111288
Chapter 2: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106279150872631075
Chapter 3: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106331690370703821
Chapter 4: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065471797788624932
Chapter 5: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065635783328910833
Chapter 6: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106798543396205440
Chapter 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/17863
-----------------------------------
I lifted my arms into the air and stretched, getting the kinks out of my muscles. I knew that it had only been half an hour since we left Yes's restaurant, but for some reason it felt like months since I had done anything.
I took a deep breath to clear my thoughts and immediately gagged. If you've ever had the misfortune to be at a battlefield in the summer a couple of days after bodies have been left outside to rot, you're still not prepared for Chicago's South Side. It can smell like the inside of Saddam's hideout after he'd been down there for six months without a bath. And that's on a good day. The only thing you have going for you is that the wind is so bad that you're too busy being cold to give a shit about the reek.
We entered Rick Manfre's dilapidated apartment building. The elevator was out of order.
"Out of order?! You're out of order!" I yelled, "The whole freakin' system is out of order!"
Loren looked at me quizically "What are you talking about Razor?"
Dames. "It's at the bottom of the page."
"What?"
"Nevermind. Look, let's just take the stairs."
As it turned out, the stairs were out of order, and someone had just hung the sign on the elevator for fun. A couple of minutes and one Pulitzer prize winning scene which was unfortunately cut by a rogue editor with a hangover later, we were upstairs and in front of Rick's door.
I knocked. The door swung open from my touch.
I grimaced and drew my gun. This could be ugly.
Inside, the apartment was a wreck. Sticky porn magazines were scattered about, drawers were upended, clothes lay all over the floors. Clearly someone had searched this apartment.
A sudden noise in the kitchen alerted me to the presence of someone in the kitchen. I crept around the corner and peeked. A short little man was looking through the cupboards.
"Hands in the air!" I said.
He turned around slowly.
"Start talkin'"
"Uh... about what?"
"What's your name? Who do you work for? What are you doing here? Make me happy."
"Well, my name is ChristPuncher and I'm unemployed. I'm Rick's next door neighbor and I came back to get the jar of Crisco he borrowed from me last night. He didn't answer my knock, but the door was open so I came in. As far as making you happy goes, well, I have a bachelor's degree in psychology but in my experience that usually does more harm than good."
He wasn't fooling me.
"You're telling me that you weren't the least bit concerned by the fact that this apartment has obviously been broken into and searched?"
"Look buddy, Rick's apartment always looks like this."
Loren snickered. It was too much.
"Alright, get outta here." I waved him by.
"Wait, who are you?"
"The guy who has a gun that doesn't feel like answering your damn question. Now scram."
He walked out of the kitchen and out of the apartment. I followed him to the door and turned back into the apartment to look around.
"Oh, and by the way..." Christ Puncher had stuck his head back in the door.
"Yes?" I asked.
He shouted "GO BEARS WOO!" and left.
I looked at Loren. She shrugged. I relaxed and put my piece back in its place. Then I put my gun in its holster and surveyed the room.
"This could take some time to search. Why don't you look in the bedroom while I start digging through his mail? There might be something there."
Loren opened the door to the bedroom and immediately screamed at the top of her lungs. For a moment I tensed, and then remembered where I was. Nobody gives a shit on the South Side. I walked over to the bedroom and looked in.
It wasn't pretty.
Rick Manfre was hanging from the ceiling by a harness. To his right, what had once been his penis was cut off and pinned to the wall with a card on it. Blood had leaked out from it and dribbled down the wall to the floor. A giant flourescent glow in the dark dildo was hanging out of his ass.
I glanced at Loren. She was pale and looked like she might be about to pass out.
"I wouldn't worry too much about Rick."
"WHAT?!?" she shrieked. "Look at him! They tied him up and castrated him."
"I disagree. He got laid to death."
"What do you mean?"
"Look at the blood on the wall. You don't get that amount of blood in a penis unless you have an erection, so clearly he died with a hard on. If you look at that towel below him, there is semen on it, which means that someone took the time to wipe cum off of themselves. And look at the smile on his face... that is not the look of a man who has just had his Johnson chopped off. Furthermore, you think he was bound. Well, he was, but it was willingly. That's a love swing. They retail for about $119.95"
"How do you know that?"
"I have one in my apartment. But that's beside the point. It wouldn't make any sense for Cilfone to kill this man, as he was probably one of the only links Cilfone had to his missing diamonds."
"I see your point, but I feel sorry for him."
"Don't. Based on everything I know of Rick, this is exactly how he would have wanted to go."
I looked around the room. There was a card sticking out of his shirt pocket. I reached down and picked it up. Damn.
"It looks like Cilfone's people have been here after all."
"How do you know?"
"See this card? A picture of a crown and a gigantic smile."
"So?"
"That's the trademark of two of Cilfone's geisha girls. QueenAshlee and Kristen. They work in tandem, seducing a man and then robbing his house blind. Rick's death was probably an accident resulting from an orgasm so large he had an aneurism."
"Well, what does all that mean?"
"It means they've probably looted anything we might have had a use for. Unless..."
I walked over to Rick's nightstand. Next to the phone was a pencil and a pad of paper. Used pages were folded over the top, but the most recent page had been ripped off. Perhaps there was information we could use after all.
I picked up the pencil and laid it sideways on the point, creating a roughing of what had been written on the page below.
Loren smiled at me. "Old detective trick?"
"Nah, I learned it by watching The Big Lebowski."
As I read the words that had been written, my eyes widened. Wordlessly, I handed the paper over to Loren.
She looked up at me, her eyes confused.
"What does this mean?"
"It means your husband is still alive."
-------------
I'm back in business folks!
User Reviews
Submitted by ariseymour (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you ever going to finish this series?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-01-27 09:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I relaxed and put my piece back in its place. Then I put my gun in its holster"
That got me laughing - especially now that I've had the chance to hang out with you - I can picture you playing this part and it kills me every time.
+2 of course.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-01-26 14:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't even think of that. I choked on a strawberry when I read that, too.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-01-26 03:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great! You had me at the opening line.
Ashlee, when I saw your comment, I was expecting that last line to be:
"...in the glow in the dark pooper!"
Submitted by stuff (user info) at 2004-01-25 15:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"A couple of minutes and one Pulitzer prize winning scene which was unfortunately cut by a rogue
editor with a hangover later."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Brilliant.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-24 18:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is it me, or is there a large amount of old timers coming back into the fold....
+2 for jared's cable modem.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-01-24 18:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was teamwork all the way, Kris. Although, everybody knows I'd happily do Rick.
Great work, Razor.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Keep em comin..
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we clarify who did the laying and who did the robbing?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-01-24 08:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!!! Uberpulp! hurrah!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-01-24 02:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's better than Razor? Nobody.
This is my very first comment written on my brand spankin' new cable modem. Very soon now, I myself will be back in business.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I didn't invent 'Frogger,' but I cam up with the name. Can you believe they wanted to call it 'Highway-Crossing Frog?'
That's so lame.
I know. That's the lamest thing I've ever heard."
That had nothing to do with the post, I just felt like saying it. Yeah, whatever.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-01-24 00:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad to see this is up and going once again.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-01-24 00:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
;)
Submitted by Beer_bong <hey_look_an_elephant.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-24 00:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00tage.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-01-23 20:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As good as ever.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very readable writing and easy-to-follow dialogue. I think it's interesting that you never write, "...." he said, or she said, or whatever. But it's not necessary! It reads pefectly fine in my head. Oh yeah, and few adverbs-- good thing. I hate adverbs.
Good stuff, Razor... keep it coming.
Submitted by Freeman at 2004-01-23 17:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best yet!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But for the love of God don't chop off my penis.
PLEASE!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOO!!!
I'm gonna be in uberpulp! I'm gonna be in uberpulp! (Dances)
Ok back to math homework.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom, I already have specific plans for your role in UberPulp.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting series you have going here. I've ignored it since I've been here and just got curious as to why everyone likes them, read all 8 chapters in one sitting.
Good job.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be in this...
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:01:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh, and by the way..." Christ Puncher had stuck his head back in the door.
"Yes?" I asked.
He shouted "GO BEARS WOO!" and left.
************************************
If that alone was Chapter 8, I would have still given it a +2.
Nice job.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren smiled at me. "Old detective trick?"
"Nah, I learned it by watching The Big Lebowski."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE (AND SO HAVE THE BEASTIE BOYS):
You Can't, You Won't And You Don't Stop
Razor Come And Rock The Sure Shot!
you hear that loren? i'm still alive baby!
scrub your ass darlin cause daddys coming home!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
definitely w00t worthy
I don't actually know what that means. Poor Rick, daham Razor.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"out of order" - that was fucking annoying when the server clock got all out of whack.
Manfre is one lucky bastard.
Keep 'em coming.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm going back to writing."
I w00t for this quote.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Late stories that are good enough to make everyone forgive you and beg for more...you're the Kevin Smith of Ubersite.
It'll be interesting to see where I show up in this story. Hopefully nothing will be sticking out my ass when I do.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t. yes, i have w00ted.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phinch... SHHHH!!!!
And no, I'm back in business for real now. I had some things happen in my life that made me not really want to write for awhile, and I've been really busy in my life... but then I said fuck it, I'm going back to writing.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the dick and balls in the Big Lebowski!
aaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so... another 3 months for the next chapter?
and you promised to make me a mad scientist.
i've already got the doc brown hair goin on.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-01-23 16:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Back in business , with an even better product!!!