The Blonde Squad Mission:3 How the Blonde Squad Spanked the Monkey (909 hits)
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Submitted by Stan<juggalo44.at.mad.scientist.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-23 17:09:30 EST
Lou Screw was a super genius. By far the smartest of the antagonists that have ever faced off with the Blonde Squad. In combat, he was absolutely no threat alone, but with his contraptions he could definitely bring Chuck Norris or Steven Segal to their knees. He stood at a towering 5'9 and weighed all of 140 lbs but he was not a force to be reckoned with.
Lou had a laboratory that was somewhere deep in the Atlantic Ocean. He was virtually undetectable by anyone and everyone. His base, which he called "The Pocket Protector," was where he designed his dastardly schemes to take over the world.
"I have figured it out!" said Lou, "I can take control of the world's machines by releasing a virus that will be everywhere. All I have to do is plant the virus on file sharing websites encoded under the names of all the top TRL bands like, NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Bon Jovi, Linkin Park, and others. When someone downloads a song, I will be able to take control of their computers as well as cause the virus to spread everywhere computers control anything. I will take bank accounts, television stations, government records, and best of all, I will be able to take control of the military! WMD's everywhere, baby!!"
"Um sir, who are you talking too?" said Sam as he walked into the room.
"Uh, no one Sam. I told you to knock! What do you want?"
"I thought you were just watching Terminator 3, that's all. I did not think I would be disturbing you." said Sam, apologetically.
"Well, I was just brainstorming, Sam. I have developed a new plot for world domination. Shut the door behind you and I will fill you in."
**************************************************
Meanwhile, the girls were training. It was a sunny day. The kind of day that KC and the Sunshine band would have written a song about.......because it was sunny. They had been lifting weights, running treadmills, and studying all types of martial arts. Kristin seemed to be studying drunken monkey style because she was swaying all over the place. Wait a minute! Kristin was drunk, because it was her birthday. That's why she was getting her ass kicked by Nicole.
"Nicole, will you please stop beating me mercilessly?"
"Ha, fat chance in hell. That's what you get for getting drunk without me on your birthday, biatch!"
"Kristin, Nicole, I just want you both to know that I could kick both of your asses while drunk, stoned, and sedated. You both suck. " said Shanna from across the room.
Nicole and Kristin looked at each other and with a grin, they both ran right at her, knocking down equipment along the way. As they finally caught her and held her down, Kristin felt a flush feeling in her face.
"Are you alright?" asked Nicole
"I think she's gonna spew! Ew, get her off me!!" screamed Shanna
Kristin jumped away and ran out of the room down the hall and into the bathroom. Nicole and Shanna just laughed.
"I told her, it was her own damn fault."
Just then they heard a pounding on the wall. It started as a small thump but built up to a crash. The walls were shaking, the Earth was quaking, and my mind was aching because of the noise. I had to see what was going on but before I could get to the room, they were gone. Shanna and Nicole had been taken hostage by a giant, mechanical gorilla. I barely caught a glimpse of it as it was flying away.
"Come back here, monkey!" I screamed but it was no use. He was gone with my blonde squad, or so I thought.
From out of the little girls room, I saw Kristin running. I also noticed the vomit all over her shirt.
"What happened to you?" I asked
"I was in the bathroom, puking my guts out when I heard the loud noise. It caused me to fall and puke on myself. I looked out the window and saw a giant gorilla-bot take Shanna and Nicole. I tried to stop it but then the three wise men that I had early came back and let me tell you, they weren't baring any Christmas presents. What are we going to do, Baldi?"
"There is only one criminal mastermind that can do something of this magnitude. Lou Screw must be up to something, but what? Why did he kidnapp the girls? We better go after him but you will need some back up for this one. I have designed a robot that has living tissue over metal hardware. Her name is the Almeidanator. She comes equipped with multiple lasers, missiles, combat skills, reasoning skills, strategy skills, poker skills, she slices, dices, cleans, makes a great cup of coffee, and can do the robot better than any human I have ever seen. Watch this."
I pressed a button located on the back of the Almeidanator and a disco ball dropped from the ceiling, the room filled with lights, and "Funky Town," started playing as the robot started busting a move. This was irresistible to both me and Kristin, so we got our groove on as well. Before i knew, people I didn't even know were busting into the room and the place was like a disco. I think I even spotted John Travolta in the corner about the time the BeeGees started playing. That's what reminded me of the girls.
"Oh my god, Kristin, we need to go save the other girls. Everyone, get out of here!! Shows over, Elvis has left the building! There's nothing more to see here! You don't have to go home but...."
Before I could finish, the crowd was smaller than the remaining fan base for Vanilla Ice. I went to prepare the submarine while the Almeidanator and Kristin went over the plan. Basically, they do it the way they always do it and bust in and kick ass but you'd be surprised at the planning involved in that.
"We will come in from the East and blast a hole in the ships bottom port. It will cause the base to fill with water and emergency mechanisms on the ship will shut, leaving us a patch of air, as well as a place to park our submarine." said the Almeidanator.
"That's brilliant, let's go!" said Kristin as they jumped in the submarine and hauled ass to their destination.
*************************************************************
"Aw Sam, that's excellent. You got the Blonde Squad. 1-2, wait, where's the third one? You missed one, you idiot!!! How many times do I need to go over this with you?"
"There was only 2 there boss. What was I supposed to do?" asked Sam.
"Oh well, we will improvise. I guess they can not stop me if I have two of them. Just make sure you tighten security around the ship. Send out my minions." commanded Lou.
"Do you mean the monkey minions?" asked Sam
"Yes, no get out of my sight! Aw, the Blonde Squad...." said Lou as he was looking at them, frozen through the glass.
"You gotta love cryogenics. Now, I am totally unstoppable. Muwhahaha!!"
"Sir, who are you talking to?" asked Sam as he popped his head back into the room.
"Get out of here, idiot!!"
"I just had to get my hat. I forgot it and I don't want my hair to look bad. The monkey minions are all over the ship. Good thing you trained them to use machine guns."
At this point, the ship felt a large rattle and emergency lights went off everywhere. Lou knew what was going on and proceeded to lock himself inside of his room with his computer. He felt like he was in high school again.
******************************************
"Ok Almeidanator, do you have your gear ready?" asked Kristin
"Sure do, let's get jiggy wit it."
"Ok, it's funny in the movies to have robots use catch phrases but not in the real world. Just talk like a human. You look like you are alive, so pretend like it. Movies are not real." said Kristin, obviously a little hung over.
"But I am alive....Almeidanator is alive!! Haha, ok, I was just joking. I love Short Circuit. What a great movie!"
The two pulled themselves inside the base and started making their way down the halls when they noticed eyeballs glued onto them like Michael Jackson's hand to a 13 year old rear end. These eyes were not going away. Finally, the silence broke and they heard,
"Oooh, eek, eek, ratt ta tat tat!"
It was a mixture of a monkey and a machine gun. Kristin ducked behind the Almeidanator who laughed at their advances and said,
"That's not a gun. This is a gun," as she fired back with multiple laser canons while Kristin pulled out her gun and picked them off one at a time. As soon as there was nothing left but the mutilated corpses of the monkeys, the two headed farther down the hall where they were to accompany Sam. Now Sam's not the sharpest knife in the cutlery collection but he was strong and it would take more than a few guns to wipe him out. Kristin pulled a beer out of her back pack and guzzled it until she was feeling nice and loose.
"Now I've had me spinach Sam. You better run."
"Bring it, biatch! Oh, and by the way, happy birthday!"
The two faced off while the Almeidanator stood to the side and took bets from the monkey minions. Even they knew what favor the odds were in, and it wasn't Kristin. Sam came at her and pulled her head into a head lock. Then he repeatedly rammed it into the wall in front of him, causing Kristin's vision to blur even more. She then pulled away and did a back flip causing her feet to fly through the air and kick Sam in the face, not once, but twice. He went backwards into a wall and caused the whole room to shake. He started running at her, full speed, like a bull and tackled her into the wall but she ducked at the right moment and sweeped him off of his feet. The monkeys started getting worried and changed their bets. Kristin pulled out a giant whip and said,
"I am going to end this now because I have a birthday party to get to."
She then flung the whip around Sam's neck and pulled him to the ground. The Almeidanator was already waiting with rope to subdue him. The two laughed and looked at the monkeys and said,
"what!"
The monkeys all flinched and then ran away screaming like girls. Kristin and The Almeidanator made their way to Lou's office and with a swift kick from The Almeidanator, and the door opened. They found Lou, sitting at his computer, trying to type away but Kristin pulled out her gun and shot the moniter.
"Lou, i want my friends back because they need to come to my party. I am not messing around here. Do it!"
Lou hesitantly released the button and Nicole and Shanna were awakened and they both came out of the freeze chambers.
"Girls, I was just trying to rule the world. I wasn't going to hurt anyone, honest! Please, just let me go my own way."
Nicole did not like this and was the first to jump on top of Lou. I almost feel bad for the poor guy. He pretty much got the worse out of Nicole. She hated being held prisoner. As she attacked him, The Almeidanator pulled her off and said,
"We will take him to jail now. I know what will put you girls in a better mood. How about I take you to a little place called, "Funky Town."
As she was saying this, a disco ball came from the ceiling, John Travolta popped out, and everyone started dancing. They got so carried away with their dancing that they did not notice Lou run away to his giant Gorilla and fly off. No one was too bummed about it because they were all disco dancing. They will capture Lou for good someday but until then, all that's important is, stayin alive!
Peace,
STREETPUNK
User Reviews
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-01-23 23:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was right even before i read it.
Submitted by keeblerelf (user info) at 2004-01-23 23:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
well right now its a little late and im bushed and frankly... LAZY!! but ill finish reading later so for now ill rate it...
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-01-23 20:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haven't read yet will read later when i get off work.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-23 17:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
streetpunk,
more chewy goodness.