Out Of Sense (1291 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2004-01-24 16:28:12 EST
This morning, at around 11:30 AM I pulled into the drive through at the bank to deposit some paychecks and withdraw some cash.
At 11:41:41, my transaction was started. At 11:42:23, my transaction was ended. It took the bank 42 seconds to open the swinging door to my bank account, throw some money in, pull a wad out, then slam the door shut without letting too much of a draft in or air conditioning the neighborhood. I know this is true because I read it on my receipt.
42 seconds. Where was my money for 42 seconds? My paychecks and my cash, that is. I certainly didn't have them. It wasn't in my checking account. The bank didn't have it. Where did it go? The Matrix? Monetary Limbo? Mordor?
What if there was a nuclear holocaust during that 42 seconds? I would be penniless! Fortunately, I am well stocked on bottled water and duct tape.
So do these pseudo-philosophical meanderings mean anything?
Of course not.
I would however like to make note of one transaction I made this past week. A forced one, that is.
In late December, I was pulled over. Why? Because the inspection sticker was expired on my truck. I was told that if I got my truck inspected in 10 days the judge would MOST LIKELY dismiss my case. If not, I would have to pay a 160$ fee.
9 days later, I pull up to a Service Station that offered State Inspections. I approached a grim faced employee. I immediately got to the heart of the matter.
"So why do you guys at these places always have big oil smears all over your face and clothing?"
"Because we work on cars, dude."
"I've worked on my truck before, and I didn't come out looking like a coal miner"
"Shhh, keep it down. I'll let you in on a little secret. They're purely cosmetic, we apply them so that we'll look like..."
"Grease monkeys?"
"I don't care for that term."
He then told me that the inspection test would cost 59.95. I was incredulous. 60 clams for a fucking inspection? My left ass cheek!
See, where I am from originally (and coincidentally where my truck was previously inspected) all they did for a truck inspection was make sure your brake light came on and see if your vehicle could make it around the block in one piece. It cost 12 bucks. But now I live in Houston. And in Houston, we not only have safety, but also have EMISSIONS. How do they do check emissions? Well some places hook your car up to a computer with cosmetic grease stains on it. Not the place I went to. They take an unborn fetus, force it to inhale your exhaust fumes, and if it dies, you fail. It was economical, considering the Service Station was right next to an Abortion Clinic.
My truck failed. Now I had to shell out 160 bucks for Court. Fuck you Houston! We are surrounded by chemical plants that billow forth thousands of cubic meters of pollution DAILY yet the city in it's infinite wisdom has decided to target Catscradle, driver of the 6 cylinder truck as the culprit behind it's pollution problems because his vehicle doesn't have pure water vapor coming out of it's exhaust pipe. Fucking Christ.
I explained these views to the clerks at the Court and was told to fuck myself with a rusty farming implement. No really, it said that on the court order. And I had to pay 160 bucks.
I was too busy polluting the environment to come in during work hours so I had to drop off my cash in the night time drop box outside the courthouse. Monetary Limbo strikes again!
Feeling mischievous, I put 159.98 in the box. Just yesterday, I received a call. True to form, it was the court office clerk calling.
"Sir, you're payment was 2 cents short of the required amount.
"I guess you're all out of sense then, aren't you?" I cackled and hung the phone up.
I will be called back to court Monday. The judge will ask me why I did not pay 2 cents. I will tell her I withdrew 2 cents to compensate for my purchase of a farming implement to fuck myself with.
She will ask where I got it from and demand a receipt. I will tell her the abortion clinic. She will tell me I'm a sick bastard. I will tell her to fuck herself with a rusty farm implement.
Finally, I will demand the county compensate ME for my purchase of lube.
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-10 10:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-01-27 21:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking great.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-27 10:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-01-24 21:31:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Still the most consistently good poster on Ubersite. "
Yes, sir.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-25 12:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by TheGreenLantern (user info) at 2004-01-25 12:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a solution in situations like this...
Killing spree...
Always worked for me
The Green Lantern
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-01-24 21:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still the most consistantly good poster on Ubersite.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 19:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
VERY SUPER!!!!!
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-01-24 19:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You want a better car experience? Come to Australia, where I get commission.
OK, it would be tough on your car, pretty costly and overall idiocy.
But I could get, l;ike, 23 bucks or something.
Yeah.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-24 19:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should see californias cosmeticly grease stained emmisions standard tests.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-01-24 19:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ba-zing!
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-24 18:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for reminding me. Mine is due end of the month. We are required to get a safety inspection every year and an emmisions test every other year, no exeptions for brand spanking new vehicles either (not that I have one).
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-01-24 18:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when did houston give a shit about pollution?
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no, they were real enough.
Submitted by fr33d0mrulz (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn, that was funny.
Had to take some off, the unborn fetus thing was more wierd than funny.
FR33D0MRULZ
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Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
With cosmetic grease stains ?
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was a state certified vehicle inspector in Houston, Texas. Some coincidence, huh?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, theres nothing that i can add to this.
we gotta do tha joint post soon.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate emissions, luckily I got a 76' and the standards are low as shit. So I ripped of the cat converter and put a header-back flowmaster exhaust on there. Purrs like a champ and sounds great, Fuck You emissions standards! Go to hell!
-BongZilla
Submitted by hinkle (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The most intelligent-sounding post I have ever read on this site. Congratulations. Also one of the most amusing.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, Houston sucks.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to Oregon.
No emissions test.
No sales tax.
No worries.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-01-24 17:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats, you can lube me up any 'ol time.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a true American hero.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheheheheheheheh..... you said lube..........
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They have that shit in San Antonio?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK EMISSIONS!!!
well, the pre-ejaculatory ones are ok, but FUCK VEHICLE EMISSIONS STANDARDS!!!
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
must.. stop... laughing...
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-01-24 16:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me!
A Seinfeld and a Yidele reference all in one post.