Superheroism 101 (806 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Green Lantern (View user info) at 2004-01-25 08:12:37 EST
Superheroism 101... How to be a superhero in 10 easy steps
1. First things first, you need powers. Now contrary to popular belief you cannot be a superhero without superpowers, hence superhero. I mean if you don't have powers how can you be super... it doesn't make sense. This is why Batman is not a superhero, he's just a weirdo in a bat costume. He can't fly or anything, what kinda Bat are you if you can't fly and hell, he's not even blind. I personally think Daredevil would be a better Batman which brings me on to point number 2. I find the best way to get powers is to drink bleach, go on, try it.
2. At least have cool powers. We're talking about people like Daredevil now. Ooo woop di doo I can see even though I'm blind, aren't I great. On top of this he can't do anything else. No he can't throw lightning bolts from his fingertips or anything like that. Bottom line, Daredevil is lame. Get cool powers. If you want really cool powers, inject the bleach while being bombarded with Gamma Radiation and drinking camel piss, yummy.
3. Have a comic book. You cannot be a superhero without a comic book, but just because you have a comic book doesn't make you a superhero. Points one and two must be observed also. If you're just some lamer with a comic book (like Batman) then you ain't got nothing, except for the fact that Batman was really rich and could have any woman he liked, all because he had a comic book... but I digress. Get a comic about you, very important.
4. You must not be Superman. Being Superman is bad, very bad. The people who act as Superman either commit suicide or are crippled for all eternity, that's right kids, even when you die and go to Heaven or Hell or Limbo or Massachusetts or even the floating island of Mandango (thanks Matt) you're still a cripple. I'm just waiting for that guy from Smallville to die horribly or the guy from that New adventures of Superman show to have his stomach torn open by a rabid Baboon. Oh that would be sweet.
5. Get a sidekick. Without a sidekick to act as whipping boy/girl and also human shield as well as someone to get in trouble and distract from your true purpose, you cannot be a Superhero. I mean who will distract the public from all the fuck ups you will inevitably make. Plus you need someone to say things like HOLY SMOKES and DANG JIMMINY from time to time. Hopefully your sidekick will be far inferior to you so that it makes you look so much better, like when pretty girls hang around with ugly fat girls to make them look better.
6. Have a secret identity. It doesn't have to be ingenious, generally the public are pretty damn stupid and your girlfriend will never find out. Anyone remember Superman 3 where Clark Kent took off the glasses and Lois looked all surprised. I mean god damn, how thick can somebody be. Wear glasses so nobody can spot you doing your day to day shopping and the such like.
7. Have 2 girlfriends. This is very important, pretend to love one more than you love the one you really love so that Green Goblin type people will kill the one you don't really love when you use her as bait to draw him out into the open. That way you don't lose people you truly care about, plus the bad guy gets caught. To make sure everybody wins, use a hooker, that way when she dies, no-one will care and you don't have to pay a penny 'cause they're dead.
8. Have a fucked up past. If your parents aren't dead, you've had at least three girlfriends die on you and you're adoptive mother isn't secretly a devil worshipping prostitute, you don't have a chance of becoming truly loved. Case in point, Spiderman. This guy has no parents, he is directly responsible for his uncle's death and his aunt was a schitzo bitch who died a couple of years ago. His girlfriend has been killed twice and also cloned. He killed his best friends dad and then his best friend and seems to constantly be on the ropes with everyone he fights. If I had his life I would've killed myself. Therefore to be a superhero, you must be suicidal.
9. In the words of Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor... "Spandex... all spandex". Without a colourful Spandex outfit or something similarly camp, you cannot be a superhero. I find that the tighter the better. Hell, how are you meant to get lady friends if they can't see your extra tight superhero ass.
10. The underwear. It is a well known fact that all superhero's must wear their underwear over their trousers. Otherwise they look stupid. I personally wear Green over Black trousers as it emphasises my manliness all the much more. This one doesn't apply to female superhero's who don't often wear more than a bikini these days. If your package isn't so impressive lads, get a cup. You need to look well macho to be a hero. I recommend the Megacrotch 3000 for extra manliness.
Follow these 10 steps and you are well on the way to becoming a superhero. Keep you eyes open for Advanced Superheroism 101.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-17 08:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF? Batman is the greatest.
Submitted by Luxe <lemmebang.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-26 01:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your post had me in stitches! You Rock!
Luxe @-->--
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2004-01-25 21:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... hookers will become so scarce that they will be on par with precious metals, and diamonds.
"I'll trade you three hookers for my beemer"
"Screw you, these are the last hookers on the Eastern seaboard. I had to give them Kryptonite jewelry just so Superman wouldn't fly his faggity ass in here and steal them from me."
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-25 17:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yea. I'm gonna go get me a hooker.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-01-25 17:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-25 16:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2, as i have just realized that this is your first post.
Submitted by Freeman! at 2004-01-25 14:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DANG JIMMINY!
Kickass first post.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-01-25 14:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lesson 1.....hmmmmm
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2004-01-25 14:00:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"To make sure everybody wins, use a hooker, that way when she dies, no-one will care and you don't have to pay a penny 'cause they're dead."
Noted.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-25 13:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahah! Fantastic idea about the 2 girlfriends!
"Come out now, Superman, or Lisa gets it!"
"Ah go screw yourself in the ass."
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-25 12:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
There should be a superhero called 'Fights-like-a-girl-man' with 16 inch nails and the crotch-kick power.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-01-25 11:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
even when you die and go to Heaven or Hell or Limbo or Massachusetts
greatness. Not that i have anything against massachusetts.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-01-25 11:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Superheros suck. They only win because they have a genetic (or otherwise biological) advantage.
Then you have Ash. Pure badass. no powers (unless you count the magical shotgun of unlimited ammo).
Submitted by Batman (user info) at 2004-01-25 10:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey im a superhero!!!!!!!!! my powers are being a shitload smarter than all of the other superheros
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-25 10:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-25 09:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait!
What about the most important part of all? The Adversary! Without an arch-nemisis, who will you protect the populace from? Well, you could be one of those super heros that fights ordinary crime instead of super crime, but then you'll just be second best to the real heros. Arnie is the ultimate super hero. His alter ego is the Politican type person and the hero is either the Terminator, or one of his other characters. He doesn't need a side kick. His past is pretty fucked, I heared that he was in a gay centerfold magazine and that his dad was in the SA brownshirts (nazi skinheads). His adversary is cleaning the house or something. What was that stupid statement he made again? And how come in most of his movies they didn't even bother to come up with an excuse as to why he has such a strong Austrian accent?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-01-25 08:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit