I am the Keeper of the Keys of Death (513 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.6 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ben Proctor <geothermal_rider.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-26 09:13:45 EST
To start off my new rant, how 'bout a mini-rant?
it says here in the "Statesboro Herald" that President Bush apparntly has a hard-on for space exploration. A hard-on that's gonna cost us a few hundred billion dollars. Why can't he just go to the National Aeronautics and Space Museum? It's like what, ten feet from his house? "[Bush] called for a manned lunar landing as early as 2015." 2015? News flash, Mr. President, we were on the moon back in the 60's. 40 years later, and it's gonna take us another 11 years? Please spin again, asshole.
Now that's you've had your appetizer and martini, here's the entree.
I have a job on campus. I am the Keeper of the Keys of Death. These keys are like death, and I am the keeper of them. I keep them from killing people. Here's the explanation. Here at the front desk we have these keys. I personally have one that will do some things. But, hidden from prying eyes, are a set of magic keys. How are they magic? Each one is worth $100,000. But you can't sell them for $100,000. That's just the cost of recoring all the locks for that particular segment. It's a tricky situation. They are not worth anything, but they have monetary value.
Any of these keys went missing, I think at least 8 people would die. Some say seven cause it's prime, but I say 8 because this psycho key would think that we would think he would kill 7, so would kill not on a prime. Most likely 8 'cause this key will round up to kill again, it's fucking crazy man! You get like that when you are rich(er than me.)
Keeper of the Keys of Death is way better than my other title, "Desk Assistant."
Today on grand Keeper duty, the "Systems Alarm Panel" went off. After wandering around trying to figure out what's happening, I see te panel flashing. Following Emergency code Whatever, I called the cops and get out my nine (for killing escaping death keys.) Big lot that did, someone was allready coming. Someone hit their panic alarm. But the code for the alarm is only 3 digits long, and we don't know if those are the first or last part of the room number. So basically it's me and two guys wandering around looking for this panic button. The tall guy finds it, brings me this sweet-ass giant panic button to play with. I keep it on my desk and yell "DIVE DIVE" and slam my fist on it. This managed to piss off eight people in the computer labs, so I jacked up the heat so they'd leave. For that I used the Key to the Thermostat. Not a Death Key really, more like a Skin Disease Key, or a Near-Sightedness Key. Didn't have to put on my key-proof radiation suit for that one. Would put a key of the suit up, but my sweet-ass Acuvue 2 Contact Lens Brand Digital Camera, free with two Acuvue 2 Brand Contact Lens Box Tops was back at the dorm with my boxes of contact lenses.
I forgot to mention possibly the most crucial part of this job, second only to keeping the Keys of Death. I am also the Keeper of Lucky the Fish. Lucky lives in a bowl on the desk which is filled maybe half-full of gravel because we can't afford water because we are slightly more uphill than the dorms, and would have to pump it up. He is dark blue and black, looks kinda like a Fighting Fish. Which I don't understand. Unless it has teeth, all it could pretty much do is head-butt other fish. Maybe it could verbally abuse them, like on the basis of the size of their dorsal and/or ventral fin.
This fish is sadistic. Every morning I come and he holds still. I approach cautiuosly; is he dead? As soon as he gets close, I see him twitch, ready to jump out of the bowl and head-butt me. Nice try, you icthy-demon. Next time bring a gun (loads the nine.)
User Reviews
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-01-26 15:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well it would have been, if i didnt have the intelligence of a small cabbage.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'Keeper of the Keys of Death is way better than my other title, "Desk Assistant." '
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Instant plus 2age.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2004-01-26 10:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
That's all.
x signed
The Beast in the Far East
Submitted by defender0417 at 2004-01-26 09:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 on so many levels.