Dog Shit, Dog Vomit, Cat Vomit, & Uncle Ben's Stuffing (5310 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ingsoc (View user info) at 2004-01-26 11:57:51 EST
The animals in my house are tricky bastards. Abby (the dog) is a real wild card. She pissed on the kitchen floor twenty minutes after we brought her home from the shelter. She's got quite a few emotional problems stemming from abuse by her previous owner. The condition of 'submissive urination' has claimed two area rugs, the respect of friends and family, and countless rolls of the Benjamin Franklin paper towels. Once in the blistering heat of a past summer as my parents were speaking in the kitchen, Abby came up right in front of them and laid down a nice, big steaming turd. She looked them in the eyes and did it with such grace of protest, it could have gone unpunished.
Schuster (the cat) is somewhat more docile. He enjoys sleeping in beds with people, whereas Abby cannot due to her fascination with licking mattresses. He recently took a shit upstairs out of protest for his unclean litterbox. What can I say, other than that we had it coming by not keeping him serviced properly. He's still a hell of a lot of fun, as is the dog.
But today is different. I come downstairs at ten this morning, turn on the computer, and gather review work for my exam this afternoon. Going into the dining room my eyes are working, but they managed to miss something, which I ended up stepping in. It was like stove top stuffing- but it wasn't. It looked like stuffing, but at the same time it looked like chewed-up something. Owning animals who have shit in the house without fear of retribution has led me to believe that either the dog has taken a small shit, or the cat has taken a large one. But Abby would've gotten it out of her system before my mum left for work, and Schuster's litterbox has just been changed. That leads me to believe I stepped in animal vomit.
Abby has vomited before, when she's eaten 'people food'. But it's usually been of the baby variety-white lumpy liquid- and lots of it! What I was looking at was significantly less. Plus, I didn't hear any hacking of any kind from Abby. When she coughs, she coughs. I'd know if she were vomiting. Was it Schuster? Schuster can't produce that much vomit in so little time. Plus it was lukewarm, and I know my mother would not miss animal vomit on the hardwood floor. But even that theory we'll have to hold on to...
Some other possible theories: since one of the items consumed the previous day was in fact Uncle Ben's stovetop stuffing, perhaps what I stepped in was in fact Uncle Ben's stovetop stuffing. But why was it unleashed now instead of earlier?
There is a cardboard box which held on of my birthday presents that Schuster immediately took a liking to. Abby also took a liking to chewing on it. Perhaps what I stepped on was regurgitated box. But why did it have the consistency of Twinkie filling?
Perhaps the animals have united against me in an unholy army of the night, hell-bent on ruining every last pair of socks I own. To me, that makes the most sense. But the mystery of the vomit remains, and the dog remains the prime suspect.
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-02-01 13:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no commmment
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-26 17:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Dole is cracking me up!
That sounds like my cats' puke.
I had a cat that would shit ribbons. Or he would look as if he had a little bit of ribbon stuck on his mouth, I'd pull on it, and a foot of ribbon would come out. You think HAIRBALLS sound funny coming up- try slowly pulling out a ribbon!
Submitted by jgirly (user info) at 2004-01-26 16:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dog has a stomach of steel. She can eat anything and be fine. The only thing is she puts on weight really easily. She is 15lbs. overweight. That is a lot for a chihuahua.
She ate the eyeball out of a beenie baby the other day.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-01-26 16:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have 4 cats and a dog...I've found that with animal waste it's a suprise every time...
Read your town charter, boy. `If food stuffs should touch the ground,
said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I
don't see him around, start shoveling!
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-01-26 15:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is hardly anything more disgusting than stepping in warm animal vomit.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-01-26 14:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon man, I knew the culprit as soon as I saw the picture! Look at the guilty-red eyes!
Very cute dog by the way!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-26 14:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
animal vomit. how appetizing.
Submitted by tedman109 (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This made me picture you sticking your finger in it, raising the residue slowly to your lips, tasting it, then smacking your mouth for a second. Then, with a distant gaze in your eyes, you mutter "Hmmm... its still warm..."
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I ever tell you guys about the time my dog ate the stock market then threw it back up? Believe me, Bush didn't cause the recession :P
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thinking about it--- you could have a hybrid on your hands, the cat ate dog shit.,.. and barfed that up...
or maybe the dog ate cat shit (yielding the clean litter box) and thats the result..
Submitted by keeblerelf (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this my friend a true work of art... but since i have a crude sense of humor any thing with shit and vomit makes me laugh so.... it was good a few spelling errors though, well actually just one but watch it next time...
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my bet is cat vomit. for whatever reason my cat has been known to eat perfectly recognisable objects (rubber mice, small bouncy balls, shreds of paper toweling, pieces of socks/random fabric... generally anything small enough to get down it's face.) and vomit them up in the most perplexing of forms.
sometimes string will go in, and confetti will come out. shards of cardboard in, something looking like mashed potatoes comes out. Ah, the quantum mechanics of a cat's digestive system.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I almost went as far as to smell my sock, but stopped short of it. I got close enough to sense that it was almost odourless. Perhaps this is one of the first examples of alien feces in modern North American residential settlements.