Prelude (406 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.66 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by wakup4.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2004-01-26 13:12:43 EST
This is a prelude to a story that I am attempting to write. As this is the first time in attempting a complete story, I will need your help and suggestions to make this project go smoothly. -2 if you will, but please offer a suggestion to make it more compliable to your reading style. There is more to come, I hope, as for now help.
The enemies of the soul have taken over; the conscience of the mind no longer fights back. The destructive thoughts that have been held in contempt for years upon years will soon banish themselves upon the lives of those he had previously held close. The splattering blood, the falling tears, they will wash away the pain he has kept inside.
The plan, can it go forth, action is only left. The dates, the times, even how the murders will take place; everything has already been decided. Carelessness will not be a facture in getting arrested for the devilish deeds. The plan itself calls for surrender after the cursed souls pay for their acts of shrewdness.
With the last breathe of innocence Jim clinches the brilliant 12inch blade and begins his destiny. A destiny that will live in nightmares long after the end becomes now.
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2004-01-26 19:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is so bad I wanted to write WTF I'M NOT READING ALL OF THIS and it was only the preview. Go back to playing LOTR with the other trolls and stop writing this stupid shit. Here's my suggestion, don't ever write anything again because you're horrible at it. Don't even sign a check because it may lead to more of your writing. Go fuck yourself.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-01-26 17:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I will break it down for you:
The enemies of the soul have taken over; the conscience of the mind no longer fights back.
*This just sounds stupid. No one would read past this as a first line.*
The destructive thoughts that have been held in contempt for years upon years will soon banish themselves upon the lives of those he had previously held close.
*How in the world do thoughts banish themselves? Are you inbred?*
The splattering blood, the falling tears, they will wash away the pain he has kept inside.
*If you use the word "the" at the beginning of one more sentence I'm going to have to take a shit.*
The plan, can it go forth, action is only left.
*Excuse me while I go shit.*
The dates, the times, even how the murders will take place; everything has already been decided.
*Damn, we're running out of toilet paper, but I guess I'm obligated to take another shit.*
Carelessness will not be a facture in getting arrested for the devilish deeds. The plan itself calls for surrender after the cursed souls pay for their acts of shrewdness.
*Carelessness is a "facture [sic]" in your writing style.*
With the last breathe of innocence Jim clinches the brilliant 12inch blade and begins his destiny.
*That blade is the only thing that's brilliant about your writing.*
A destiny that will live in nightmares long after the end becomes now.
*I don't know if I should make fun of the end becoming now or the fact that this is a fragment. You choose*
Jason.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-01-26 15:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
too many words... all i got out of it was "blah blah blah 12 inch knife"
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-26 14:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
My advice would be to learn the english languaeg before attempting to write a story with it.
This sounds more like a movie preview than anything. For a shitty movie, that is.
You imagine your life like a live action sequnce don't you?
Submitted by BRICKHOUSE (user info) at 2004-01-26 14:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChipSlice (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:50:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Bad Stephen King novel + even-worse grunge-rock song lyrics = Pure Shit.
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i dont remember writing any grunge-rock lycris up there
now die you dim-witted cock juice that got lucky it didnt get squirted up your dads boyfriends ass
Submitted by ChipSlice (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bad Stephen King novel + even-worse grunge-rock song lyrics = Pure Shit.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
a bunch of bland, nondescript nouns and adjectives that describe nothing specific is no way to start a story. my bet is that you don't finish it because you have no idea where your headed.
and if you do finish, it will still suck...
good luck, loser.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
BAM.
I hope it lived up to expectations.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's a prelude to the rating I'm about to give you.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-01-26 13:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is not...OH!...the GREATest song in the world, OHHHH...!
(this is just a tribute...)
This is not...OH!...the greatest song in the world, allRGIHT!
this is A TRIBUTE...OH!!!
fucking horrible song, fucking horrible post.
minus fucking 2