And this bird you cannot change... (1229 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cassiopeia (View user info) at 2004-01-26 18:11:15 EST
Not necessary to the post, but a good background if you're interested...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16616
http://www.ubersite.com/m/19114
http://www.ubersite.com/m/20597
My father passed away a little over a month ago. Quite strange how a person reacts to loosing someone so close...
At first I was in some kind of denial, the thought of NEVER seeing a loved one again is too hard for my mind to comprehend.
The service was very small, very simple. He would've liked it that way. His ashes were in a box, wrapped with navy blue felt, pinned on with pearl pins. Atop his ashes stood a silver frame with an old beat up black and white picture of him from when he was in basic training. Next to the picture was a beautiful silver cross to match. Then draping over the box, which held his ashes, was a rosary from when he was a kid. He gave the rosary to me when I was about 7, I never thought that this rosary would lay over his ashes someday.
To the left and the right, your average funeral "I'm so sorry for your loss" flowers and plants... I guess they try to ease off uncomfortable conversation from the relatives. Especially my Aunt Bea. I can remember the funeral of my grandmother, my father's mom. She was my favorite relative, as a 4th grader I grieved very deeply for her loss. All my Aunt Bea could talk about was how she used to wipe crap out of my ass and change my shitty diapers when I was a baby. I'll never forget that.
Thankfully there were no outbursts of this kind at my father's funeral. I think that everyone knew better than to fuck with me on this day. To one side on a glass and wooden table holding a beautify cherry finish, was a picture of my father and his mother holding hands. Next to this picture was a poem that matched perfectly, I cannot recall the poem at this time...
Also on the cherry finished table was a picture of my father and myself, taken a week prior to his death. I decided to wear my Service Dress Uniform for my father, as he was the one person who drove me to join the Air Force. As much as I complain about being in the Air Force, I must say that I was proud as hell to show my father one last time what a great kid he raised, and I bet that uniform made him feel that it was all worth it.
My father told me quite a few times, that his reason to be here on this earth is because of me. That most of his life he never accomplished much of anything, but I was always his pride and joy, his 'reason' to be here on this earth. To raise me, make me a good, hardworking person.
Then again, he always told me, "Cassi, work smart, not hard."
He also quoted his mother, "Love makes the world go 'round."
I really was the only person in my immediate family who ever said "I love you" to my father. Come to think of it, I think I was the only one to say it to him on a regular basis. He wrote me a letter when I was in basic training, one thing I remember from the letter is he said "I miss hearing you say, 'I love you dad.'" Damn, how I miss hearing him say "You're doing good kiddo, I love you."
Fuck. I'm at work and I'm crying. Goddamned reminiscing.
I have never been a huge bible thumper, but I do believe in angels and spirits and such. My grandmother had a vision of 'death angels' a few days before she passed. She said they came to the foot of her bed and told her that they would be taking her soon. Then she continued to tell us of their beauty... This alone helps me have some kind of foundation to believe in that kind of stuff.
Another that helps me believe is simply through a dream. I believe that my father's way of communicating with me through the spirit world is through my dreams. I have had two dreams including my father since his death.
The first dream I had was only a few days after his death. In my dream, I was screaming at someone, and holding a gun to their head while they were on their knees. In my dream, my dad came in, and talked me out of it. Not very notable, but I think it might've been related to how angry I was about his death at the time.
The second dream I had was a bit more significant. I dreamt that me and my father were laying in a yard covered in dry vibrant colored fall leaves. We were just laying in the leaves, talking, and reminiscing. However, in my dream, I knew that he was passed away, but didn't want to bring it up. I asked anyways. I asked him if he was here in spirit form, and he said 'Yes, but I am still watching over you, your sis and your ma. I love you.' I woke up at 2am after this dream in tears... I truly believe that this was his way of contacting me.
"On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps."
The above paragraph was recited to me as I stood in my pressed Air Force Service Dress, standing before my father's ashes and the funeral director, with my father's flag in hand. I couldn't even look him in the eye when the flag was being handed to me. As soon as I stood up in front of the entire service, an enormous rush of tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks, dripping on to my perfectly pressed coat. All I could see was a blur of a face and some stars and stripes being handed to me.
I cannot find the words to describe how it felt to take my father's flag.
Anyone who is in the service cannot deny that they have a newfound pride in the flag. Being handed a folded flag that represents my father's time in service, while standing in a military uniform, is an indescribable feeling. It is one you can only encounter yourself, then understand.
After this, two songs were played in my father's honor. First was Amazing Grace. This song was played at his mother's service, it seemed to fit just right.
The second song played was one that most people say "I'm gonna have that song played at my funeral!" but you know damn well they would never actually do it. By request of my mom, sister, and myself, we played Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Free Bird.' We stopped the music before it got upbeat of course, but this music just seemed to fit Dad so perfectly. I could almost see him in my head, tapping along to the beat and singing along.
One line that gets me every time is 'If I stay here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same.' I cry everytime I hear this line, because I know it is true. With how sick he was, I know he is in a much better place now.
Another part of the song that usually get's me crying is 'Please don't take it so badly, Lord knows I must play.' I know that he would not want me to still be mourning his death, he would want me to be comfortable and at peace knowing that his soul is much more peaceful, and for all I know, he could be somewhere having a blast and a beer.
I guess I'll close up now, I will leave you with the lyrics to Lynard Skynard's 'Free Bird'...
If I leave here tomorrow
would you still remember me
For I must be traveling on now
there's too many places I gotta see
And if I stay here with you girl
things just wouldn't be the same
For I'm as free as a bird now
and this bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can't change
Bye bye it's been sweet love
though this feeling I can't change
Please don't take it so badly
Lord knows I must play
And if I stay here with you girl
things just couldn't be the same
For I'm as free as a bird now
and this bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can't change
User Reviews
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2004-01-31 16:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey. I'm new to the site, and I somehow forgot that I had tried to start an account sometime in the past. Anyhow, what I'm getting at is that I just came across the article you wrote for your dad. I don't even know him, or you, but I still felt sad upon reading it. I hope you're doing ok with it all, and it's my opinion that you're the reason why Earth still exists.. amongst all the bad, there's some good out there, too. :)
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2004-01-26 22:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-01-26 21:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure your father would be so proud if he could see you right now.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-26 21:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-01-26 20:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A wonderful tribute to your father..
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know your Dad's proud of you. You write with such beauty and strength.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
colelily-- Everything you said is exactly how I felt... it just seemed to help with some kind of closure.
I was the last one to leave the service... after I was handed the flag, I knelt down before his ashes and prayed and prayed and cried and cried... by the time I got up, I was in the room by myself. I also dont think I have cried that hard in my life.
Thanks for reading, I figured that I wouldnt get any readers because it is kinda lengthy...
Submitted by colelily (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly how you feel... When my grandfather died of Alzheimer's his flag was presented to my grandmother with me at her side. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. There's a touch of finality to it that I can't really name. There is no shame in it, it's one of the most necessary processes of humanity.
I wish there was something to do to make you feel better, but I know that a faceless name on the internet isn't going to help at all. I feel you, and I am praying for you.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for sharing.
I'm truly sorry for your loss
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all well. i tried.
heartfelt post by the way.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too late :( thanks for the warning though... i already replied to the 'gas man's' post. wow we have great timing!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-26 18:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for the love of god do not read the post below this one.