Welcome to Fat Fuck - Population: ME (1531 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio <judoka1978.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-27 01:08:06 EST
There's a lot of ways for a man to fool himself into thinking he's not a big, fat tub. For instance, when it starts to get difficult to see your penis when you look down, you just leeeeean forward ever so slightly. That works for about 20 pounds or so. Then there are stretch marks. That was pretty easy for me to get by - I had those in high school from working out with weights a bit too much. Oh, you mean they're on my stomach now? Well, I HAVE been doing a lot of crunches. Oh wait, those were pork rinds.
Then there's the change in the jeans, from 501 to 505 to 550 loose fit(those other ones just weren't CUT RIGHT). Then the heavy breathing coming up the stairs (I'm carrying a 30 pound bag).
But for any man who has gained a ton of weight, there comes a moment of truth that is the emotional equivalent of having the words "FAT FUCK" stamped on your forehead like a patron at an obese nightclub (BigMike knows what I'm talking about here). For me, that moment came a week ago.
I no longer fit through the door of my bathroom.
Now, to be certain, the door to the bathroom of my house is a fair bit more narrow than a normal door. But what does that matter? The fact remains that, facing squarely at the door to the bathroom, I am unable to fit through it. I literally have to turn sideways to get through without touching the jamb. There are many tasks I look at this and wonder to myself "How the hell did I let this happen?"
Well let's see: there's the obvious. I'm an engineer. I sit at a desk working with the same four or five software packages every day. The Coke/Snack room is 7 feet out the door of my office. If I want to talk to anyone, I have a phone on my desk and video conferencing equipment. I have a cell phone. I do hundreds of emails a day. Lunch is usually brought in from the deli across the street(Lebanese bologna and cream cheese - Oh MAN that's good). I do not move. It just came to me that my chair at the office doesn't have arm rests, and that my fat ass probably couldn't get into it if I could. I've actually counted the fact that the office I work in is kept at 62 degrees as justification that I'm burning calories to keep warm. Therefore I can eat an entire Publix rotisserie chicken.
But let's face it, the real reason I'm a fat bastard is I love to eat. I'm Italian, and I'm an excellent cook, no two ways. Calzone with pepperoni and eggplant. Fried Chicken Cutlets. 8 layer lasagna with 100% whole milk mozzarella and ricotta. I can do it all. And I sample my own cuisine liberally. Occasionally I'll unhinge my head like Pac Man and let an entire tray of deviled eggs slide into my gaping maw. The real reason why I'm fat as hell is no mystery.
SO the final moment of truth is here, and I'm staring down the scaly boogeyman in all our fridges known as "diet". I'm dreading it, hating it. I'm a free man, I should be able to eat what I want. Indeed I can. I'm also free to be a fat bastard, which I don't want. And so now, having just come back from the fridge and seen nothing but fat free cheese (which has a taste reminiscent of gypsum wallboard) and salad vegetables (which once would sit in the fridge until they turned into vegetable beer), I'm dreading the coming weeks of deprivation as though they were getting my potassium chloride cocktail ready in the next room.
The hell with it. Bring the pain.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-11 12:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA BigMike, your neck is an inch bigger than my thigh! Way to be a badass, man. Keep up the good work.
-Hadley
the plight of the lardass.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-11 12:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Occasionally I'll unhinge my head like Pac Man and let an entire tray of deviled eggs slide into my gaping maw.
Goddamn.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-11 12:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did someone say Subway makes the best subs? Please tell me that was a farce.
Submitted by fionavar (user info) at 2004-02-22 13:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Pac Man/devilled egg visual alone.
Helpful hint: Leave all of your change in the car. To actually purchase anything from the snack machine, go up and down the stairs to get the change.
Either you'll exercise, and have a reward at the end, or..
You'll say, "Fuck it! Too much work!!"
Win-win.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-02-22 13:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's usually women who whine about their weights because they don't have the balls (obviously) to go to a fuckin' gym.
You disgust me.
Submitted by elmcityduke (user info) at 2004-01-27 15:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm, deviled eggs
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-01-27 13:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stay away from the product because you might be too stupid to swallow the pill using ADEQUATE FLUID???
Give me a fucking break.
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"WARNING: Taking this product without adequate fluid may cause it to swell and block your throat or esophagus and may cause choking. Do not take this product if you have difficulty in swallowing. If you experience chest pain, vomiting, or difficulty in swallowing or breathing after taking this product, seek immediate medical attention.
If you are allergic to shellfish, please consult with your physician prior to taking this product. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. Do not take if pregnant or nursing. Protect from heat, light, and moisture. Do not purchase if seal is broken. Store at 15-30 degrees (use symbol) C (59-86 degrees F)
PRIOR TO USING THIS PRODUCT, ALONE OR COMBINED WITH OTHER SUPPLEMENTS, NUTRIENTS, OR MEDICATIONS, CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN. If you take anti-coagulants, this product may interfere with your medication. Consult with your physician before use. "
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Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-01-27 13:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You were once active (You mentioned being a wrestling and Judo champ), so you know how to train.
This is from my personal experience. Getting active is one of the biggest things when you want to lose weight. You don't really have to adjust your diet at first, as long as you begin burning up extra calories. After you notice a plateau, then change your diet. I eat 9-11 meals/snacks throughout the day. I have dropped sweets from my daily diet (Pepsi, cookies, jelly....etc). I am heavier now than ever before, but alot of it is muscle, with a slight gut whereas it used to be the opposite (Lots of fat, slight muscular build....that's where the name FATMAN came from).
Good luck, and stay motivated!
Submitted by dacygrl <dacygrl.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-27 13:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, stay away from the Trip Spa stuff! Here's the link, read for yourself.
http://www.trimspa.com/main/cef.shtml
Check out the warning near the bottom of the page.
It can block your throat and cause you to choke!!!!
dacygrl
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-01-27 11:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Big Mike, my waist is 4 inches smaller than one of your thighs. Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.
- yes, I've heard awesome things about TrimSpa, and they say it's safe. If I were you I would definitely give it a shot.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-27 11:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BigMike, check this later tonight, I'll do the measurements and we'll see. Gotta head to work soon.
Waist: 44"
Chest: 54" (I'm a barrel-chested fellow)
Inseam: 30"
Neck: 19.5"
That's all I know offhand. I'm a short little square Italian guy.
Submitted by dacygrl <dacygrl.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-27 11:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude,
Stay away from that Trim Spa crap. It expands in your stomach so you won't be hungry. If the capsule should happen to stick in your throat, go down the wrong way, or if you do not drink enough water it can expand in your throat and cause you to suffocate.
They actually put that information on their website, if you bother to read the warnings and stuff.
Step away from the Trip Spa.
-dacygrl
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-01-27 11:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, let's compare.
Bigmike.
Height-6'4"
Weight-302
Waist-48
Hips-48
Chest-54
Inseam-34
Neck-19
Shoes-14EEE
Thigh-28
calf-19
Bicep-17.5
Sleeve-35
And yes, I am sympathetic but I fit through my bathroom door easily.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-27 11:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Loren! Does that TrimSpa stuff work? If it can make a butterhog like Anna Nicole thin, maybe I've got a shot.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-27 11:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 5'8" and 286 pounds (279 now actually). I really did want to post a pic of me trying to get through that door, but tech geek that I am, I don't have a camera, not even a normal one. I'll have to get one of those cheapies, so that I can post my ugly cat as well.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-01-27 10:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well...the question here is how big are you? What are the measurements...height, weight...
send a picture of you in the bathroom door.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-01-27 10:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck! Self-discipline is a bitch, but you can do it if you set your mind to it.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-01-27 09:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic! I laughed out loud at least 3 times.
I never minded extra poundage on men to be quite honest, but personally, I hate it if I'm even 5 pounds over my target weight.
Best of luck with the diet. (You should really try Trim-Spa).
It would be great if you took before and after pictures too.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-27 09:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks to everyone for your encouragement! I can do this, actually did it once before. Perhaps the thing that bothers me the most is I was once a national judo and wrestling champion, about as fit as you could possibly want. I'll get it back, but when you think about HOW FAR I had to fall to get to this point, it's a bit disturbing. Love you guys! Thanks for your support.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-27 09:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm yo' cheerleader baby!
Ditto on the exercise thing. It's easier to stick with something you LIKE to do, though. I hope you find something!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-01-27 09:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with that.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-01-27 09:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. I agree about exercise being very important. In fact, I reckon it's a more significant factor than diet. Just eat vaguely healthy stuff (i.e., low in saturated fat, sugar and no processed shit) and do loads of exercise. I would also recommend giving up caffeine, as I believe it gives you more energy and makes you generally more balanced in mood and energy level. Good luck.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-01-27 08:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. While I haven't gained nearly as much weight as you, I'm a stickler with my body. 13 pounds is quite a bit of weight for someone who wants abs. And I'm Italian too. Whole milk ricotta ... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Submitted by Lord_Of_The_Strings (user info) at 2004-01-27 08:03:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The thing about diets is when you finally reach your desired weight; you can't just go back to normal eating habits, as the pounds will pile on again. So instead I'd advise eat the same amount of food but use low or non-fat products and go to the gym like 5 days a week, this way you will not be hungry but you will continue to lose weight. Well that's my opinion anyway, but I'm no expert
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-01-27 07:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The human body is an amazing thing. You see, dieting can only lead to more wieght gained later. Our bodies still have an old evolutionary hunter gather trait. Our metabolism can slow wwaaaaaaaayyy down if we don't eat regularly, my advice to you is to sweat off the weight with hard exercise and eat at regular intervals, and eat what you normally do. You will burn calories like a furnace, and you WILL eventually lose weight. Plus the ladies will love the buff bod, especially if you are good at oral sex.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-01-27 07:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post and good luck.
Submitted by UberWeiss (user info) at 2004-01-27 07:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Call me ignorant (NOT an invitation, but a prelude to an uninformed opinion thank you), but if you're already overweight and you Diet - how does that cut down on the weight you already have?
I always figured dieting was to stop you putting on MORE weight. The reason (I think) so many diets don't work is that they DO stop you from putting on more weight, but you practically have to starve yourself to force your body to use up stored fat...no?
Obviously this opinion is useless without a possible solution to which I would say combine a diet with exercise. You exercise to lose weight and diet to control weight. Oh well, makes sense to me *shrug*
Anyway, good luck with the Diet, and anyway - good post.
UW
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-27 05:26:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No motherfuckers, Subway makes the best subs.
Good post, you could do a Jarod and eat a shitty little 6inch turkey breast with no cheeze for like 3 years. But that would suck all kinds of shit. And you have to exersize as well. That's a fucking rort.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-27 05:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you from Florida or Georgia?
I LOVE Publix and I miss it so much being in Louisiana. They have the best subs ever.
Anyway, good luck with everything. If you ever need to know the calorie count in something, ask hidden101. He helped me figure out the number of calories in a banana once. A fount of knowledge, that guy.
Submitted by Jericho (user info) at 2004-01-27 05:05:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck man!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-01-27 04:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PolPot (user info) at 2004-01-27 04:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-01-27 03:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry I live in Fat Fuck too. So long as you don't fall to the genetic fallacy, you're cool with me.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-01-27 03:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chins up, fatso. It's sweats not sweets until you can grate cheese on your abs.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-27 03:18:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good luck!
You can still cook and lose weight. Just cut the fat and calories where you can and have smaller portions.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-01-27 02:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Work it baby work it.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-01-27 02:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2004-01-27 01:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"i'm unhappy because i eat, and i eat because i'm unhappy. It's a vicious cycle."
Submitted by Freeman at 2004-01-27 01:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great title!
...And the post was good too.