Gay! what? (781 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.58 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MadjesterVince (View user info) at 2004-01-27 19:28:09 EST
I found out today just why it seemed like every woman in the office was being so nice to me lately. It turns out that I'm gay and didn't know it. Can you believe that! I mean surely the fact that I have sex with men should have clued me off to it, but it never did. (Maybe cause I can't remember having sex with a man.) I was talking with a girl I had been trying to get to know a little better for the past couple of weeks or so. I ask her to come to lunch with me, and she smiles and says, "Sure thing, I'd love to."
This should have clued me off right away, because every time I've ever asked a girl out she always had to think a little bit, or look like she was making a major life-changing decision in grabbing a bite to eat with me. Not Sara though, she just fired out a yes a scant few seconds after the initial lunch request. She grabs her coat and we're off. When we arrive at pizza hut for the lunch buffet she and I sit down in a booth and made a little small talk until our waiter arrived. He smiled and asked us what we wanted to drink; she gave a little giggle and said, "I'll have a Pepsi please."
I grin as I fish out one of my ol' one liners, "I'll have an iced tea, hold the iced."(Yes it is so lame). Sara makes a small giggle and the guy grins and laughs in one of the most annoying manners humanly possible.
Once he leaves I notice Sara intently checking out his caboose, for a moment I was a bit annoyed, but hey, I did a double take on the waitress over on the other side of the room, who am I to talk, right? After a moment of silence, 5 words that no man ever expects or wants to hear came out of her mouth....... "He was cute, wasn't he?"
For a second, I froze, unsure I had heard her right; it must have been a mistake. She was not just asking me an opinion on a guy. I managed to sputter out a strangled, "What?"
She looks over to me and said, "He was pretty cute, wasn't he".
Now sure that I hadn't misheard her, I looked at her in a manner in which a dog looks at a television and say, "Umm, I guess"
She nods a bit and says, "Yeah, I kinda like my guys to have broader shoulders, like yours. Let me guess, you like the prettier guys."
At that point, my automated denial defense kicked in and I blurted out in a very loud voice, "I'M NOT GAY!" I'm fairly sure that the people at the neighboring tables heard my expression of supreme masculinity. That's when I saw Sara's face change, her eyes seemed to grow to the size of dinner plates as she blushed and apologized profusely.
Lunch was not a fun affair after that, apparently she had heard from one of the secretaries that I was gay. I'm pretty sure it was Marge, because I think she hates me. All I know is that most of the women in the on my floor who know me think I sample the poo poo platter.
For all of you ladies out there that were depressed I just want you to know. I love the sweet sweet tang, and probably always will. I look at titties unabashedly. I am a heterosexual man, and if any of you says different, then be prepared for me to come back 'it' up.
ATTN STRT WOMENZ-I love you!
User Reviews
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-01-28 09:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This cracked me up
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-01-28 09:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This cracked me up
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-01-28 08:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've kinda cooled down about it, about 5 minutes ago Jessica came up and asked me if I wanted to go get coffee today. Most of you would say she is out of my league, but I think Sara spilled the beans this morning... Apparently I have that 'new car smell'. Because I have been given the once over at least 3 times. Today may be a good day
I'm serious though, any women looking for sex I'll come to you! In soviet Russia, Vince Comes to You!
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2004-01-28 04:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have played it off. Chicks love a gay dude. Act gay for a little while and then after you two become best friends tell her you're confused because if you were gay you wouldn't have these uncontrolable urges toward her. She might uhhhmmm....help you figure it out.
Personally I would use this, but like Bloodhound Gang said "See I'm not gay, I'm too ugly."
It's true, I have no shame.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-01-28 04:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"sample the poo-poo platter"... haha. Good one.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-01-28 04:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh because a few weeks ago I found out the reason no girls ever liked me in high school was because EVERYONE thought I was a homosexual. I'm probably one of the more horny and whatever about girls in town, how did they figure me gay?
Oh shit. My one friend was gay. THAT'S why.
-Mike Spencer
"The Yellow Dart"
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-01-28 03:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's ok hunni, we love you too.
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2004-01-27 21:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-01-27 20:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm fairly sure I wasn't emitting 'gay rays' or anything, and the way I dress sucks. I think it was just the work of a bitter old secretary who hates me because I gave her candy for chistmas and she is a diabetic.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.
-Turtle
Submitted by Ninjaburger (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know for her to believe that you were gay, there must have been something you were doing wrong. Maybe you dress like Mr. GQ or you act like a chick in certain situations. Anyways, I hear homosexuality opens a lot of doors in fashion industry.
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nah, I'd have to be really insecure about my sexuality to put that on the back of my car. Lately I've been thinking of getting a monster truck though.
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that really your car?
Submitted by Ninjaburger (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not GAY!!! too funny
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah, so that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses
casual sex.
-- Homer Simpson
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds