I am the village idiot (535 hits)
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Submitted by <okiwilltellyou.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-29 10:00:41 EST
When the whole "It takes a village to raise a child" concept became popular, I regarded it as at least a noble idea. Giving the child a broad support base that he or she could draw from, would enable the child to feel more secure and inadvertantly flourish better as an individual. Right? At least that is the way I had looked at it.
So I had thought that maybe with the overwhelming nature of my son's autism, that this concept could easily be applied to him. If we asked and encouraged our family members to participate in Ryan's therapies from time to time, maybe it would also help with his social inabilities and give him a much broader acceptance of family and "the village".
Who better than to start with the Grandmas I thought. They would understand the need, and help the cause with no judgement and critique of the processes needed.
He, he, he..I laugh now at myself for being so naive.
When I asked my mom about this seemingly wonderful idea, she went on an emotional rant for almost an hour that detailed her fears and projections. "Why are you putting so much energy into all of this now? I've read where children with autism can never be able to live on their own and function "normally". I just don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment and hurt honey. You need to look at this situation realistically and not expect anything outside of Ryan's possibilities. You know, there is no cure for this...." And so on, and so on. When it came down to it, she just couldn't bring herself to be involved like this when she just KNEW deep down that nothing could really help and she didn't want to build any real hope that would be defeated.
On a much different level, when we asked my mother-in-law for her involvement, you would have thought that we asked her to take a gun and just shoot the poor kid. (and somehow I got the feeling that she just would have rather shot us for even asking such a thing--but I didn't share this with my husband) She wondered why the hell would we want to label our son as autistic??? "He isn't autistic for god's sake!! What his real problem is, is that you baby him too much. You guys don't let him do anything for himself so now he is just too lazy to do anything!! If you just would stop getting him things just by him pointing at it and MAKE him ask for it, that certainly would be a start. My god, I can't believe how bad this whole thing has gotten out of hand. Where has all this autism and ADD stuff been while all YOU kids were growing up? HUH? I think it's just way of excusing children's laziness ..." And so on, and so on.
I sat there frozen like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. Not knowing what to say, not knowing exactly what to do with this input that was given to us. Ohhhh nooo, what happened to that village??!! The villagers were against us, picketing our every move. I wanted to scream and fight back and let them know how angry they made us, how unfair they were being. I had pictured our village to be like Walnut Grove from "Little House on the Prairie", but what it was reminding me of was Los Angeles during the race riots!!!
Well so much for my grand idea..... To be honest, at first I was a little hurt and more than a little pissed off at our mothers' responses. I just couldn't fathom how a child's own Grandmothers wouldn't want what was best for him. But after a few days of being in a pissy mood it just somehow dawned on me. I realized that it was really ME who was the one being so unfair.
What I realize now, is that not only the parents of children with ANY type of disability have to go through a mental process of denial, depression and acceptance, but the extending family of that child also does. My mother, is still in the depressive stage of her process of acceptance. She looks at things very solemnly and without hope, not sure of a positive future for her grandson. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is holding her stand in the denial stage--and quite well I have to say. She just cannot deal with the fact that there is something "wrong" with Ryan, her oldest grandson.
Although it is hard to bite our toungues when the comments get made, we know not to take it so personally now. Our moms really do love that little boy with all their hearts. If they didn't, they wouldn't lash out like that trying to come to terms with his situation. With that said, I close with the age old prayer that has become my life's motto...
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change..
Courage to change the
things I can.......
And Wisdom to know the difference...
User Reviews
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-29 10:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My heart goes out to you! My aunt had to deal with a similar situation. Her older daughter (Jennifer, now 25) is a Down Syndrome girl. When she was born, the doctors told my aunt that Jennifer would never read, may never speak or walk, and would never have the ability to recognize and love family as 'normal' people do. Well that pissed my aunt off. In all honesty, yes, kids with disabilities may never function as we hope them to, but to hope and TRY for more will gaurantee them a CHANCE. If you just go along with the 'Oh well' attitude, they're definitely doomed. Anyway, my aunt from the first day possible brought in a speech therapist, used flashcards constantly, and sent Jennifer to a regular school as soon as she was old enough. She was always treated as if she could succeed in things. Jennifer ended up going to regular school all the way until 6th grade (I think) making mostly C's. Hell, that's better than quite alot of kids. Now she reads constantly, and is the most loving person. She does talk in that tone-deaf Down's voice though :) You should hear her sing! hahaha It's like having a perpetual 10 year old around.
Just like with regular kids, if you treat them like they're stupid odds are they'll behave that way.
I think my point is 'do your best because otherwise you've no chance at GETTING the best.' Something like that...