The ime I almost incinerated my friend alive (565 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.8 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Andras (View user info) at 2004-01-29 17:26:47 EST
This story takes place a "long" time ago, the time when I was 15-16 years old.
Ah, good times... grass was greener, cigarettes were cheaper (though I didn't have the money, or legal age, to buy them), and I had a hamster named Badassio (which is the most badass of badass names for a pet, second only to crucifier).
Most people in here will recall that it is in these years (teenage) that you first start
Drinking (in large amounts and very frequently). I remember those nights very well...
People practicing their projectile vomiting, others running around naked with their
crotches on fire, people that are convinced that they are Becky, a 42 year old hooker from Kalamazoo who claims to have successfully performed sex-change operations
with nothing but an ice pick, a tomahawk and a bottle of vinegar. Some idiots that were going to have sex, but passed out before they could even start (which of course means they woke up naked with LOADS of insults, dirty drawings and whatnot written on their bodies with permanent marker).
good times, really.
Well, most of em were just really fun, except for one:
that fateful night were me and my friends were this close-to incinerating our friend alive.
I remember that night we were around 4-5 people, it was just a small drinking reunion and not a big party. Well, I haven't really ever been into drinking too much, so that night I was drunk, but not as piss drunk as everybody else.
At around 3 in the morning we were listening to Death (you know, the death metal band) and talking about who knows what kind of stupid shit when the friend I'm talking about said something about not feeling very well, wanting to pee and the impending arrival of the savior of cassava teeth or something like that... and everything was good.
1 hour later the guy had not returned, and I started to get worried (only I started to get worried because the rest of the people were just too drunk to realize that he was missing) so I go outside to look for him. HOLY SHIT!!!!
the first thing I see is my friend, passed out with puke all over his face, a rabbit humping his ear and a bird trying to figure out if his pubic hair is strong enough to use for making a nest. After scaring off the animals trying to eat and/or rape the guy,
I screamed the first thing that came to mind: "JESUS, MARY AND HABIB! AKIITO IS DEAD!!! (obviously not his real name).
when they heard this all of my drunken friends came over to where I was and stared in shock and awe at the rabbit still humping my friend's ear (damn those stubborn little furballs!).
After assimilating the "fact" that he was dead we all started crying and, being the most sober of all the people gathered around the body, I was chosen to say a prayer (we all forgot about the fact that the dude was an atheist and so were we, the things alcohol can do)
I think my prayer was something along the lines of:
DEAR DUDE IN THE SKY ("dude, why are you screaming?" "so he can hear me", "who, god?" "yeah" "dude, he can hear you even if you don't scream" "oh. OK".
dear omnipotent dude in the sky. We all love you very much, but not in the touchy, feely kinda way. please receive my friend up there in heaven... and ... uh...
put him in a place where there's no rabbits... because I think that he's so stupid he might confuse the little turds with hershey's kisses and eat them...
and... well... if you do get our friend in a place in heaven where there are no rabbits and instead there are girls with big boobs serving us food naked while using
rollerskates.... then we want to go there too.... and... well... you know... if you do it... then .... well... I WILL believe it's not butter... or something.
shalom. ("dude... that's not it.. I think you're supposed to say amen"... "goddamnit why is religion so complicated?")
Amen.
after this great preparation for the afterlife, one of the dudes that were most piss drunk of all of us snapped and proceeded to sit in Akiito's stomach, crying, while he said:
"you can't die! You're my best friend!"- he was being sincere. the thing that broke the "moment" was the fact that he started to hit the "corpse's" face.
(SMACK)
"YOU CANNOT DIE!"
(SMACK)
"LIVE DAMNIT, LIVE"
(SMACK)
"WHY, GOD WHY??"
(SMACK)
"GIVE HIM BACK!!!! HE CAN'T DIE!!!!"
(SMACK)
And so on and so forth for about fifteen minutes... until I realized that, you know, we don't want Akiito looking all fucked up in heaven, so he can score with some heavenly chicks, so I stop the senseless beating (catching a few hits on the face myself).
After such a powerful moment, we all felt overcome with emotion... so we went for a drink. As we finished our respective beers, we started talking about what to do
with the body... and decided it was best to burn it. so we set out to find gasoline or kerosene or any other flammable material.
Luckily for Akiito, 2 of the guys passed out, another got held up playing crash bandicoot and I eventually forgot what I was looking for, concentrating instead on
hunting for rabbits.
the next morning, with a major hangover Akiito wakes up (a couple hours after the rest of us) and goes to the bathroom.
-"dude! what happened to my face?"
-"zombies?"
-"man, you know very well that those pieces of shit don't exist"
-"A rabbit fucked it up?"
-"maybe... god, I hate those little furballs"
-"I bet you do... and probably god does too..."
-"what?"
-"nothing, just be happy it didn't rape your ear".
END
User Reviews
Submitted by andras (user info) at 2004-02-06 10:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-29 17:52:43 (#)
Ranking: 1
I definately call shenanigans on this one.....
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What the hell is calling shenanigans on something?
Submitted by skam (user info) at 2004-01-29 21:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-01-29 21:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Death owns.
Submitted by andras (user info) at 2004-01-29 18:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no, I'm not saying this happened last week.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-29 17:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're saying this happened last week?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-29 17:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I definately call shenanigans on this one..... even I wasn't that stupid when I was 15-16
Submitted by chrishta (user info) at 2004-01-29 17:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny!
Submitted by andras (user info) at 2004-01-29 17:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
SHIT, its supposed to say time... -1 for that fuck up....