SHIT Happened (961 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.72 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Amusediniraq (View user info) at 2004-01-30 05:15:51 EST
I am hesitant to write another shit story so soon after the last, http://www.ubersite.com/m/24014 A Shitty post (I also am including Phinch's follow up post because it is so good http://www.ubersite.com/m/24031), but I think this one is funny on several levels.
To begin with, this isn't my story. It is from one of my medics, I'll call him Philiniraq or Phil for short, because his name is Phil and well, he's in Iraq. A cool thing about the Army is that it gets you out of your comfort zone and you get to meet new interesting people (and no, you don't get to kill them either, well not all of them). I respect Phil very much. He is a very serious person but extremely easy going. He likes his job and is dedicated. He was wounded last October and is wearing his purple heart here in Iraq and will go home with us when our turn comes. I showed Phil my other Shit Post and he related this story about a job he had prior to joining up and urged me to write this.
You see Phil was a shit sucker truck driver/operator. The truck is really called a Raw Sewage Pumping Truck, but what the truck is designed for is sucking shit out of septic tanks, port-a-johns and the like. It is massive, with a capacity of upwards of 1200 gallons. Phil worked with four other dedicated gentlemen (wouldn't you have to be in that line of work). It was winter time, bitter cold with the mercury dipping below -15 degrees Fahrenheit. This is up-state New York with its Lake Affect snow and frigid high winds coming off the Great Lakes. This is a tough place to be anything much less a shit sucker.
The job that day called for the crew to replace a tank at a business In town. These committed laborers arrived on time that particular morning and waited awhile for their boss. He was late. This wasn't seen as anything all that out of the ordinary because of the recent dump of snow. The crew decided to go ahead and start the job. There, at the site, buried in the ground, was an old tank filled with about 1000 gallons of raw sewage waiting for the pump truck. So to work they went. A large 4 inch hose was snaked down the access into the tank and the trucks vacuum turned on. Several minutes later the tank was empty and the truck was full. It is standard procedure that during the winter months not to leave the sewage sitting in the truck because it can freeze solid, possibly rupturing the truck or damaging the pumps. So, the crew departed the work site and returned to the shop to dispose of the contents of their truck.
The truck backed down an incline to help facilitate draining the truck and the outlet valve was engaged. By engaged I mean opened. By opened I mean closed because on the drive to the shop the valves froze. Not to be deterred (remember these men are dedicated) a set of acetylene torches were acquired from within the shop. With torches in hand two men began to defrost the trucks valves. I should pause here to relay some information about these valves. The intake valve is, as I alluded to earlier, is 4 inches in diameter and the outlet valve is 6 inches in diameter. That's about the size of a half roll of toilet paper and a 2 pound can of coffee respectively. It takes time to unfreeze these valves.
After a few moments of heating the valves the boss finally arrives at work. Now this is a close knit crew. There really did not exist an adversarial relationship between "management" and "labor" but on this particular morning the boss was in a shitty mood. He saw what was going on with the truck and made an assumption. He assumed that the crew had left the truck's valves closed all night which allowed them to freeze shut. He was unaware that these men not only arrived on time but had already been to the work site and back with a truck load of sewage. Not giving anyone any time to explain the boss marched up to the back of the truck, cursing as he made his way, and grabbed both inlet and outlet valves. Now as I hope you have gathered from my humble description that this is a good crew and damn it if they hadn't done a good job of defrosting those valves because when the boss turned the valves on his "empty" truck the valves actually turned. The combined 10 inches of pipe with 1000 gallons of raw sewage came gushing forth. Phil has related to me what raw sewage really is. It is the liquefied remains of everything that you and I ever flushed to include TP, corn nuts condoms and feminine hygiene products...everything.
Of course the boss was standing directly in front of these valves when he open them. He took the full force of 1000 gallons right in the abdomen. To make matters worse his snow boots were untied and he had his pants tucked into the boots, which promptly filled up with the filth. The crew, well they did the only thing they could do...they fell on the ground dying from hysterical laughter, rolling back and forth in the deep snow. The boss, he took the rest of the day off after spending several minutes under a hose rinsing himself off. I am told that to this day he has never operated the shit sucker again.
Moral: A little dedication can keep you out of the shit.
Or- Never assume the truck is empty!
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-30 13:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(makes note not to read Amusediniraq's posts before lunch)
My pa always said, shit rolls downhill, nice to see that sometimes gravity does the right thing.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-30 12:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by colelily (user info) at 2004-01-30 12:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I'll think twice before I flush the toilet next time...
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-30 11:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAA!!!!!!
gold.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-01-30 09:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
""""Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-01-30 07:45:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
All Right! a -2 from squattail. I am an Ubersomeone!
well almost, Bart has never commented on one of my Posts and Loren hasn't visited me since GYN again either (sigh). Oh well I'll endeavor to perservere """
Yes but the mighty Apollo has!!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-30 09:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har harrrrrrrrrrr
First thing I read this morning. Thank you.
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2004-01-30 09:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw it in my mind and was rolling in the snow laughing with the crew. Thank you.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-01-30 07:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All Right! a -2 from squattail. I am an Ubersomeone!
well almost, Bart has never commented on one of my Posts and Loren hasn't visited me since GYN again either (sigh). Oh well I'll endeavor to perservere
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-30 07:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-01-30 07:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, what a way to start your day huh?
You tell your stories well, bet you're the life of
the party with this kind of.....er, shit. He, he.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-01-30 06:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
As always.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-01-30 06:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Well written. Even thought the ending was predictable you still made it funny. Bravo!
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-30 06:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That was great!