Chili contest (681 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.29 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Azriel (View user info) at 2004-01-30 12:04:02 EST
I received this by email today, made me cry with tears of laughter and today, it's a miracle. Thought it would make you laugh too.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the
rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, They told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3-- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-LB. Bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.
Did i mention this wasn't from me?
User Reviews
Submitted by DaJerk (user info) at 2004-10-11 19:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny .
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-01-30 19:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is plagiarism. Post something original. What's left?
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-30 14:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Seen it before. Still funny though.
Submitted by Raymond (user info) at 2004-01-30 14:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Suzza (user info) at 2004-01-30 14:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-01-30 13:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
only -1 cuz this is funny every time i read it.
Submitted by kim <dontcallmekim.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-30 12:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I initially clicked on the link on the front page thinking it said "Child Contest".. I read on. Pretty funny.
Texans rock.
"Fuck y'all, I'm from Texas"
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-30 12:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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