Could someone please clean up that puddle of urine? (1140 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MisterCeltic (View user info) at 2004-02-02 17:17:29 EST
A few years ago I made the decision to move in with two women from my workplace, I knew very little about either, I had not met one of them prior to moving day. I was 23 at the time, both of the women were nearly 30; I thought it was time to take my career seriously and felt that living with anyone from my circle of friends would be less than ideal. After much painting, combining of belongings and organizing of our individual mountains of crap we were settled. I spent the first months enjoying the solitude and privacy of my basement room, we really didn't interact too much in our first 2 months together.
Then May came around, ahhh summer, the perfect time for us to get together with a couple of friends and celebrate the new house. A couple of friends my ass, the place was crawling with people and the wanton alcohol and drug consumption was a thing of beauty with my two roommates as the clear leaders of this rabble. They're ability to consume alcohol and maintain they're dignity (shameless as they were) was new to me, they were drunk yet classy, I was perplexed but I did my best to follow their example. That night the legend was born, there was a street re-naming from Balmoral to Amoral Ave and 'The Porch' was the new, hot place to go. Our first summer was a wave of sex, drugs and bad 80's rock and roll (it was 1998), parties were more frequent and less planned, as long as our patio lights were on the bar was open, someone was still up drinking and receiving guests. So much for my desire to commit to a career and adult responsibilities. My 'job' became not passing out before my female roommates, not sleeping with ALL of my coworkers and never again saying "dude" because that isn't very grown-up.
The morning after one of our larger soirees I began the long, arduous ascent from my basement abode. While taking a well deserved break for an aspirin and some water halfway up the almost 9 stairs I overheard my two roommates having a somewhat excited conversation.
Roomie A - I think it is!!!! Oh my god!
Roomie B - No way. Or is it, ewwww.
A - It has to be, what else could it be?
B - I don't know, but how could it have gotten there?
A - I don't know! Maybe HE did it.
B - No way, or did he? No, he couldn't, he wouldn't!
A - Of course he could, I think he would, I'm sure he did!!!! EWWWWW!
B - Well I'm not cleaning it.
The mystery 'he' they spoke of was clearly me of course, I had been accused of drunken chaos before and knew the tone. I dragged myself and my hurt feelings into the kitchen to get the full story. As I emerged from the stairs the piercing gaze of both of my roommates finds me, I haven't felt the weight of such disappointment and disgust since they caught me laying in the laundry room on a pile of their 'delicates'.
A - You!! Filthy, disgusting, awful!
B - I can't believe it, you did it, didn't you?
Me - Who? What?
A (stepping away from the fridge) - You pissed in the fridge!!!
As she stepped away from the fridge I saw a large yellow puddle on the floor in front of the fridge, someone appeared to have relieved themselves in our icebox but I was relatively certain that it wasn't me, I miss the toilet from time to time but never by that far. While the wild accusations continued around me I did my best Jessica Landsbury impersonation and began searching for clues in and around the fridge. As the tribunal continued without my involvement I learned these facts: A) There was also urine in the bottom of the fridge B) There was urine in the door of the fridge C) There was urine in the top shelves of the fridge door D) The food in the fridge seemed warm. I had my culprit; clearly this atrocity was committed by a woman approximately 8' tall who had snuck into our house, squatted on the fridge door and released her uncommonly warm urine. This claim did nothing to dispel the belief I was a filthy, disgusting, panty-sniffing fridge pisser. I needed further proof, as I bent to investigate the pool on the floor I noticed another previously missed puddle in the fridge door, now I knew the truth.
I reached down to the pool of urine inquisitively, place the fingers of each hand into the sweet, yellow warmth and then deftly turned to my first roommate and smeared it on her leg which sent her screaming into the bathroom to disinfect. I was now alone with the last of my accusers, this one isn't as tactile sensitive but her gag reflex is a different story, I place all four dripping fingers in my mouth, I thought she was going to vomit on the spot but she mustered the strength to flee the room. My delicate feelings had been avenged, I was no fridge-pisser. I reached into the fridge for my morning beer, flipped open the door to where we kept the butter to reveal the source of the 'urine' on the floor and headed back to the basement to enjoy my victory with a cold Moosehead and a warm pair of stolen panties.
"Hey would one of you guys mind cleaning up that puddle of urine?".
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-09 13:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
delightfully disgusting
Submitted by whooligan (user info) at 2004-02-06 11:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by canuckistan (user info) at 2004-02-05 23:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha I was defrosting the fridge...with my pee !!
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-02-05 00:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo! Good luck to you.
Submitted by shhhush (user info) at 2004-02-04 12:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
EWWWWW!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-04 08:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
may the best man win.
Submitted by Lynn (user info) at 2004-02-03 16:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 15:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its like voting against myself, but this was very good.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-02-03 14:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+3 Too damn funny.
Submitted by voodoocheese (user info) at 2004-02-03 13:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-panty sniffing fridge pisser.
wonderful.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2004-02-02 23:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High Class
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-02-02 23:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-02-02 20:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-02-02 19:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm competeing against you but...damn, well done.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-02-02 19:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, I really, really liked it!
U R NOT SOFA KING WE TODD IT
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2004-02-02 18:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Priceless.....
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm.. Butter.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You better put the disclaimer at the bottom or this beautiful tale won't count!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of the summer before I moved to Minneapolis. I must have spent 75% of that summer experiencing some degree of intoxication.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The disclaimer that you have to include:
This post is an entry in UberPost2004. Understand that a review for this post counts as criteria for the judgment of the contest. Only ratings from registered users will be counted. Only the first rating from each user will be counted. Ratings will be accepted for the contest until Monday, February 9, at 11:59:59 pm.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm i've noticed a trend.
both top contenders of the gascs uber challenge contain events in a kitchen. perhaps this is the key to a good uber post.
Submitted by Mrboogie23 <Mrboogie23.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-02 17:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote for this one also!
you forgot the fine print though.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-02 17:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fridge Pisser! Ha ha!