Adventures of a White Boy in Colombia (837 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Puking Dog (View user info) at 2004-02-03 09:31:36 EST
We were sitting in the Cartagena airport listening to Black Sabbath on a boom box. It was eleven at night and our flight was five hours late. Not really unusual in Colombia. We had spent the weekend smoking weed, going to the beach, drinking beer, and snorting coke. Hotel Caribe had HBO and those little hot dogs in the can, which was cool. My friend Luis's mom got his and my tickets, while my mom got hers and the two girls that came with us. They were long gone. We smoked cigarettes and listened to music. And waited.
* * *
Two hours later we were taking off. I lit up on takeoff, in spite of the sign still being lit. People did all kinds of shit backwards in this country. I thought I was pretty cool. However, I barely took a drag when this fucker came up from behind me.
"No puede leer?" as he pointed to the sign. I put it out in the built-in ashtray. Not too cool.
It was a three hour flight back to Bogotá. It wasn't long before Luis and I both crashed.
* * *
Somehow shit got seriously fucked up while we were sleeping, although it took a little while to realize it. we got off the plane, and there was a bank sign of some kind that had the temperature in those block letters - 21 degrees Celsius. It never got that warm in Bogotá even in the daytime - but we didn't think of it then. We got into the airport and realized after a couple of minutes that we weren't home. There was a ticket agent there, or whatever the fuck she was, talking to everyone, making arrangements. Luis started asking around, and we learned that we had landed in Cali. This town was famous for the Cali Cartel, and basically was second in the world in cocaine production and distribution only to the Medellín Cartel (MC), which was run by the Ochoa family.
(You may have heard of them, if you are old enough. In the 80's, Carlos Lehder, a big timer in the MC, was arrested after a party on his ranch in Colombia. He thought that he would get out of that one, like all the other times, but the U.S. had a fucking F-14 waiting for him, and he was in Miami in an hour. In retaliation, the minister of defense was assassinated, as well as the judge that agreed to the extradition. There was a series of assassinations around that time, but that is another bunch of stories. The big name from the MC, however, was Pablo Escobar. Most people have heard of him. He took over the whole thing after the Ochoas eventually all went into hiding. He was a ruthless fucker. The Medellín Cartel wouldn't kill you if you crossed them. They would kill your entire fucking family, and torture you as they showed you their body parts. They made Scarface look like a pussy. The government and everyone else was afraid of him and the MC. This is all true, and I imagine one could find out a lot buy Googling Roy Black (the Miami prosecutor - now a defense lawyer), or the Ochoas, or Escobar.)
Anyway, Cali was known for its cartel, which was much mellower compared to the MC. We were kind of worried, because this is a bad place to be, really. We were fifteen, and our moms didn't know where the fuck we were, and we had no money. I mean, you had to have parents that were pretty clueless, right? But they thought everything would be cool, they knew when our flights were, and they could pick us up when we arrived home. Ha!
Apparently, there was serious fog over Bogotá and we couldn't land there. We slept through the announcement on the plane. We were to be driven to a hotel where we would be put up for free, and shuttled back to the airport at about six in the morning. Outside they rounded up a bunch of taxis, these little black cars, pieces of utter shit really, and we grouped up rather quickly and took off. There were about 20 taxis full of us. Somehow Luis and I didn't get the same car, but that didn't matter. We would end up in the same place.
It was a spooky looking place. The cab ride was thirty minutes long. The landscape was pretty barren, not like the mountainous terrain in Bogotá. Finally we entered the town proper, and the hotel was just inside its limits. We were near the back of the line in the taxi group, and for some reason we were in stop and go traffic as we neared the hotel. Someone was checking the cars. As we approached, there were two military cops checking ID's - passports - of everyone. If you have ever been to Mexico, and I don't mean fucking Cabo or Cozumel, I mean like Mexico City or something, then you have probably seen the game in action. Cops just looking for a reason - any reason - to hassle somebody and gain something out of the deal. So naturally, being that I did not have my passport, I was detained. Fuckers. Since it is easy to lose shit at that age, and because I did not need it for a domestic flight, my passport was at home. The funny thing is, no one in my cab thought to help me. No matter. As I got out and walked over to them, Luis was making his way toward me. I told him what was going on, and was there with me. He was the best friend you could have - ever.
Now, I must say, these cops were pretty cool, and they were young. They weren't total assholes like the cops usually were. They still had the machine guns slung over their shoulders, but they were alright. Soon I would see why - they had a bottle of Crown Royal and they were pretty lit. Obviously they snagged it from someone, because that bottle probably was worth two or three weeks of their pay. They shared drinks with us, gave us smokes, asked us what we had been doing on vacation, wanted to hear our stories. They just couldn't let me go because I had no ID.
Even at fifteen, you recognize the game right away. They wanted a payoff. Simple. And I could have given them two dollars if I had it - but I didn't. we literally had no money. I told them this, and they smiled, shook their heads...etc.
This went on, and was merely an annoyance, until they told me they were going to have to hold me. Shit got real sober then, because I had only a couple of hours before I was going to have to get up and try to get home again. Fuck this place! I pleaded, I haggled, nothing. They were bringing me inside, and they were actually going to lock me up.
Now Luis's dad was a Guatemalan diplomat, and Luis had diplomatic ID. But it was no use. Luis never left me though.
They opened the cell and said they would have to go through my bag. I had already thought of this. The only thing I had here of any value was my boom box, and they actually asked me if I had papers for it at one point. I held my ground and said I didn't need them (a receipt), and they didn't argue. But the only thing in my bag was my clothes.
So one of them is going through my bag, and he pulls out a pair of Vans. Not the Vans like they have now, I'm talking Spiccoli Vans. Only these were camouflaged. They had holes in them, were pretty old, but I am sure someone out there remembers the shoes I am talking about. The guy starts oohing and aahing - these are nice, holds them up to his feet to measure, etc. And not really thinking about it, I tell him he can have them. Hell, I have a newer pair on my fucking feet. They match his uniform, when you think about it, and he is a fucking poor cop. He says "really?", and how they are great, and all of a sudden they say why don't you guys go to your hotel, it's late! That's it! A fucking ratty pair of shoes, and I'm out. I had been there nearly two hours - it's like three-thirty in the morning, and I never thought of my goddamn shoes as a commodity.
So we are finally able to call our moms, and you know how they are, whiney and worried as hell. But it all worked out. We almost slept through the goddamn wake-up the next morning, but we made it, and everything worked out. This time...
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-20 09:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shennanigans (user info) at 2004-10-04 13:54:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
that was interesting.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-10-09 02:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not an article. CTG - BOG might be 90 mins, but if you pay attention you will read that we flew to Cali instead of Bogota. We also circled Bogota for awhile apparently (I was sleeping, but that's what they told me). This was in 1987, well over 10 years ago. Maybe '88, but no later. And, this is nothing compared to when I almost got busted in Houston circa 1989 (another similar post). Santa Marta, however, was a beautifully drug-laden beach vacation without incident. The same goes for a trip to Providincia, off the island of San Andres, if you know Colombia.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-10-04 14:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay
Submitted by shennanigans (user info) at 2004-10-04 13:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was interesting.
Submitted by migunbog (user info) at 2004-10-04 13:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Article was on target and off. CTG-BOG flight is 90 minutes max. Cops drinking Crown Royal in a major city...maybe 10 years ago, but anymore. Overall, tho, not too bad a story.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-03 15:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-03 14:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you know, at first I thought you meant Columbia MD, and I was about to -2 the hell out of you... good thing I stoped to read the post first... he he he
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-03 13:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
daham
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-02-03 13:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-02-03 12:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Black Sabbath fan and a good writer...i love you.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-03 10:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot to mention that on the flight home the next morning - at 6:30, mind you, the beverage service consisted of your choice of whiskey or vodka in a plastic cup, while we were hitting air pockets like a mutha...
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-02-03 10:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 09:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"can't" spell in english either
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 09:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"can't" spell in english either
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 09:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh ye, calbron, quantos custos estos sapatos (I cna't really speak spanish much less spell it).
I would have been like Midnight Express scared (know that was turkey)