Why You Should Never Have Romantic Inclinations Toward Your Grandmother. (1669 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.66 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Amusediniraq (View user info) at 2004-02-03 10:36:22 EST
Entry for Ubercontest: http://www.ubersite.com/m/24646
Why You Should Never Have Romantic Inclinations Toward Your Grandmother.
It all started in West Point...Nebraska that is. That's were I live.
"Who's that?" I ask.
"Why that's me. Oh, I was a young girl then. That was about 1928 or so"
"Damn grandma, you were hot!"
She smiled coyly and said "I was, wasn't I."
The photograph was a black and white picture of a young attractive woman with a big smile and what was obviously bleached blond hair bobbed short with little wings curling forward across her cheeks. She was standing on a table wearing a short, very low cut flapper dress, the kind with rows of hundreds of little strings dangling down. One hand was raised with the index finger waving in the air and the other tucked in close to her flat stomach. Holding a tall glass.
"What were you celebrating?" I asked looking closer at the picture. Her breasts were small and the dress wasn't fitted properly, I think I can see part of her nipple.
"Oh, I don't remember. That was a long time ago." Her eyes glass over as she starts to reminisce about some memory sparked by the photograph.
"Did you drink a lot back then...wasn't it illegal or something?"
"Well, yes it was, sort of. You see there were these places in town called speakeasies..."
"You mean you broke the law!" I gasp. "Grandma, you were quite the little hell raiser."
She proudly sits up in her chair, "I had my moments...I even got arrested once for wearing knickers at he beach", she laughs.
I sit quietly staring at the photo, picturing my grandmother in her earlier years. Damn she was hot. I felt a little uncomfortable. I could feel the blood rising in my crotch. I shift in my seat. "Well than..." I stammer and swallow hard.
I didn't say much else for the rest of the afternoon. A little embarrassed, I didn't get up either. My grandmother started telling stories of the golden age of prohibition. She was a wild woman, a beautiful young sumptuous wild woman. I couldn't stop my imagination. I was getting really turned on by this. I had to get out of there.
"Grandma, Ah...I gotta...um...go now." I make an excuse and rush out of the house. Grandma just sat their a little astonished at the suddenness of my declaration. She doesn't notice that I didn't face her. I couldn't, lest she notice what her photo album and stories had done to me. After I left she just grabbed her walker and cleaned up the milk and cookies and went about her day. She needed her walker after throwing out her hip while watching YO! MTV Raps. She was trying to show my sister some of the dance moves she used to do. I guess it was just too high speed for her.
Me, I couldn't get her out of my mind. That dress, grandma being drunk! And dancing with her young breasts exposed for all to see. My throat was dry, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I never thought of her this way before. I just always saw her and grandpa as some old farts sitting in their rocking chairs talking about Geritol or Depends. I thought that because one time when I was over I found what looked like a diaper in the bathroom trash. I found it odd because there were no babies in the family but, none the less, there it was.
Grandpa died a few months ago, so I made a point to visit grandma as much as I could. Grandma was doing ok but she doesn't get around as well as she used to since the hip replacement. I knew I would have to go back over in a few days. I had to purge my mind of these thoughts I was having. I tried, oh God, how I tried. I just couldn't. I was turned on so much by the thought of grandma in her flapper dress. I was defeated. There was only one thing I could do. I had to have her. There was no way I could get on with my life at the Dairy Queen if I didn't taste the sweet nectar of my Grandma's love.
I made a plan. I was going to visit her after Tuesday's doctor appointment. I would declare my love to her then. I went out and got everything I could think of. I found an old flapper like dress at the Goodwill, I went to our Walmart and bought lots of lubricant (I heard something about how old people need that) and a box of condoms, mostly because I don't know where grandma has been. Respect yourself first, that's what I always say. I was so nervous thinking about our special night I could feel the gas building in my gut. I moved into a crowded line and let it go. The smell was horrendous. I did what I normally do when I have gas in Walmart. I looked at the young woman standing next to me and said "OH, your excused, good one though". She dropped her items right their and left. I picked up some flowers, candy and a bottle of the finest Boones Farm the A&P had. As I left I dropped my change into a jar for those poor children in Switzerland, They never had a chance.
It took ages for Tuesday to come around. I called my asshole boss and told him I was sick. I could hardly contain myself. I paced up and down at home all morning. I fried up some spam for breakfast. I was going to need all my energy that afternoon. I accidentally dropped a slice on the kitchen floor when I moved to the table. I couldn't help but notice how it removed the cigarette stains from the linoleum. Wow, not only does it taste great it is also excellent for cleaning the kitchen floor. Where would I be without Spam? I worried how grandma would receive my advances. Would she go easily or would I really need to charm her. I told myself everything was going to be alright. She was my Grandma, of course she felt the same way.
Finally it was time. I parked down the street from her house as I waited of the West Point Metro Transit bus to bring her home. The bus was brand new and was a godsend for my grandma. It helped her get everywhere. I was surprised to see a Dee Snider 2004 presidential bumper sticker on the bumper. I liked Dee and all and think he will make a great president "We're Not Gonna Take It" was a great slogan; I was just surprised someone vandalized a city bus with his bumper sticker. I watched as grandma took fifteen minutes to cross the walk with her walker. She looked stunning in her light blue floral house dress. Sure, her hair was patchy but the way the sun shone off the long unkempt gray strands took my breath away. I could feel myself getting excited as I waited. Finally the bus pulled away and I drove up to the house.
With flowers in my hand and the candy and bottle under my arm I rang the doorbell and ran my fingers though my hair. I checked my teeth in the reflection of the brass door knocker. After a few moments grandma opened the door. She looked at me then the flowers then back at me.
"Harold, what a nice surprise..."
"Hello, grandma." I manage. This was going to be way better than my date with that certified mental patient last year. I leaned forward to kiss her. The smell of Ben Gay and Epson Salts assaulted my nose as I leaned in. Grandma offers her cheek but I gently take her by the chin and kiss her lips. I can see her mustache wrinkle forward as I begin to kiss her. I push my tongue forward but she pulls away seeming not to notice how much of a man I am today.
"Are these for me?" She inquires.
"Oh yes, grandma," she looked spectacular as I watched her hips sway to and fro as she used her walker to cross the living room. She turns around and invites me into the house.
"Come on in and lets get those into some water. What's the special occasion?" She asks. I know she is just playing with me. Women! Always playing games.
"I came here for you grandma." I say.
"That's nice." She replies. There is an awkward silence.
"Grandma..."
"Yes"
"I...I Love you, grandma" I barely get it out.
"Well, I love you too." My heart sails! She wants me, she really wants me. I rush forward to take her in my arms. I grab her and kick the walker out of the way. She falls into my arms. "Oh, grandma!" I lean forward to kiss her. I move my hand down to feel her ass under her housedress. Her skin is loose and her muscles are atrophied. He ass lacks any real shape as her skin collects in the palm of my hand. I gently caressed her. I moved inward with my hand and I felt a small tuft of hair. I wonder what would happen if I put my finger in here, I thought to myself. My grandma's eyes were wide with excitement as I push my tongue through her lips and past her dentures. I feel her tongue and together our tongues dance. She moans. Yes, that's it. The moan continues. Something hits me on the head, hard. I loose my grip on grandma as a I fall to my knee's. I am stunned and I see my grandma fall to the floor. She has a frying pan in her hand. She screams in pain as she hits the floor.
"WHAT IN SAM HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BOY!" I hear her yell through the haze in my head.
"Grandma....I...I...I Love you!" I declare.
"YOU FUCKING SICK MOTHER FUCKER!" She goes on more but don't pay attention, I am crushed. The tears well up in my eyes. How could she be so cruel to me? I Loved her so. I felt how I did that summer when we fed Alka-Seltzer to the sea gulls and they all exploded. My heart breaks in agonizing pain.
I stand up and walk to the kitchen table holding my head in my hands, I am openly sobbing now. Grandma was still lying on the floor, she tried to roll over but she let out a cry of pain instead. I got up and tried to help her up but she kept swing that pan trying to hit me. How could she be so pitiless? I couldn't stay there any longer. I was hurt and in no mood to talk to anyone. I just knew grandma was going to carry on and on. She'd bring up everything from her past.
"What about my hip, what about grandpa dying, what about my rash." She would cry out.
So I left.
I couldn't handle it. I ran as fast as I could all the way home. I things were way worse than I imagined, I now knew how bad Jennifer Lopez felt when she was snubbed again by the Motion Picture Academy for her roll in Gigi! I was absolutely devastated.
The next day I hear the news. Grandma had died. It seems that in the fall, her prosthetic hip gave way and ruptured her bladder. They found her on the kitchen floor surrounded by flowers, candy and condoms in a puddle of urine. I guess I never should have put my finger there.
I loved her so much.
At least I know what killed her.
She died of a broken heart.
________________________________________________________________
The disclaimer that I have to include:
This post is an entry in UberPost2004. Understand that a review for this post counts as criteria for the judgment of the contest. Only ratings from registered users will be counted. Only the first rating from each user will be counted. Ratings will be accepted for the contest until Monday, February 9, at 11:59:59 pm.
________________________________________________________________
The 16 titles that I couldn't decide upon:
Not only does it taste great, it's also excellent for cleaning your floor!
How to ruin a prosthetic hip in four days or less.
I can't believe Jennifer Lopez was snubbed for an Oscar nomination AGAIN.
asshole boss.
Check out my rash!
Dee Snider for president in 2004!
My high-velocity accident while watching Yo! MTV Raps.
The children of Switzerland never had a chance.
Can somebody please do something about this puddle of urine?
Why you should never have romantic inclinations toward your grandmother.
Breaking wind in Wal-Mart.
My first date with a certified mental patient.
I wonder what happens if I put my finger in here?
Where would I be without Spam?
Animals that explode.
My trip to West Point, Nebraska.
User Reviews
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-02-12 14:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bad ass
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-09 12:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd give you more than +2, but it wouldn't count....
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-02-09 10:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way that you blended in all of the possible topics without grossly leaving the plot.
Submitted by throbgod13 (user info) at 2004-02-08 06:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
too bad when you groped her ass, she didn't slightly shit on you..
hahaha.
sick fuck..
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-02-06 14:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was SO fucking nasty! good show.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-06 14:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pure fucking gold.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-04 16:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skibble (user info) at 2004-02-04 15:59:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
this is just scary
---------------------------------------------------------------
Damn, skibble, of course its scary! Its sick too!
No love.
Submitted by skibble (user info) at 2004-02-04 15:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this is just scary
Submitted by bonnyMcjob (user info) at 2004-02-04 15:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shiiit
fucking hilarious
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-04 15:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Shoooooooot, you think I'm kidding? Gimme an address, and french fries it is! Just think...there will be grease spots on it that you can lick!"
Nat,
I think I'd end up writting another shit post if I were to get greasy wrappers and cold fries in the mail. Thanks but I'll just have to win this contest and spend the gift certificate when I get home in March....or April. Thanks anyway.
Amused
For the rest: Please vote/review this item!
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-02-04 15:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Disgusting to think about but damn good anyway
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-02-04 13:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YUCK
Respect yourself first, that's what I always say. hahahhahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-02-04 13:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoooooooot, you think I'm kidding? Gimme an address, and french fries it is! Just think...there will be grease spots on it that you can lick!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-04 13:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of that Beastie Boys song "Boomin' Granny"
Submitted by seansdementia (user info) at 2004-02-04 13:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome and thanks to you i am also amused ni iraq thanks
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-04 12:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was definitely disgusting but +2 for you. i hope you get your mcdonalds!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-04 12:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for getting everything in there.
Submitted by schael (user info) at 2004-02-04 11:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-04 11:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Naw, your fine. Its me you got to watch out for. I mean, how sick am I to come up with this shit. Somebody....please help me.
Submitted by glycogen (user info) at 2004-02-04 11:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. as was previously mentioned, it was absolutely revolting, yet everytime i would try to move towards the "back" key, something within me begged me not to. i wonder if that means i'm just as sick as the poster. ooof.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-04 03:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It warms my heart to see there are at least some who are as depraved as I am. Thanks, I can almost smell those golden fries.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-02-03 19:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-02-03 18:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The sweet nectar of my grandma's love ... N-A-S-T-Y!!!!
Submitted by celeste (user info) at 2004-02-03 16:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Horridly nasty. Couldn't stop reading it.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-02-03 16:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Respect yourself first, that's what I always say."
That, in the midst of all the disgustingness, cracked me up.
I'll send you some McDonal's wrappers if you want. They keep that 'aroma' for a damned long time!
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 15:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks so far,
I need votes, Good bad or ugly. If you made it this far, write a review.
Please , I'm in Iraq I haven't had Mcdonalds since March of 2003! I need this!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-03 15:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*barfing up a soft chewy cookie*
DAMN IT! that was utterly sick, dude. Plus two for lost lunch
Submitted by clutch22 (user info) at 2004-02-03 15:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's obvious that you sniff airplane glue. Good work nonetheless.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-02-03 13:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-02-03 13:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-03 13:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel like i've just been donkey punched.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 11:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you.
Submitted by Velouria (user info) at 2004-02-03 11:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had a grandma left, I'd give you my blessing.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-03 11:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your missing the fucking point ass wipe. This is fiction (albeit, obviously ou didn't like it) dipshit. If you want to slam it fine but at least know what you are slamming you fuck stick.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-02-03 11:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dirty humor category? Grandma fetishes are tantamount to fecaphaelia (sp? I dont even wanna spell it properly). I fail to sense any humor, this was just disturbing and sad. Re: her early pics, did you ever consider that perhaps she worked as a hore at one of those speakeasies?
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-02-03 10:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was really fucking good.
Kudos to you.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-03 10:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW. That was good.