What the fuck is wrong with me? (1798 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Al <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-03 18:27:45 EST
When those irritating squeaky-clean newscasters take a break from their kinky S&M bondage sex to heap misery upon the masses, am I the only one who just doesn't give a toss? And I don't mean in the natural mass procrastination that affects every member of the human race, that slight worry that perhaps we are doomed, but combined with that strange feeling that your arsehole has suddenly been filled with cement and it is impossible to get off the couch. I'm talking actually rooting for the meteorite/nuclear spill/killer bees/50-foot feminist.
It seems to strike at the most inappropriate moments. Just this morning, i'm sitting in the lounge enjoying a nice family gathering, when the television casually mentions that ricin has been found in some government building somewhere in Shitsville. 'AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' I roar, out of the blue, to the glare of my entire family. Some how they think that it is 'un-PC' to long for the day when every world leader's head explodes in a wonderful crimson supernova of scanners-esque glory.
But it's not just political leaders that I want to see in excruciating pain. No, i'd quite happily sentence everyone to have samurai swords launched into their urethras. It's not because i don't like you (though i probably don't), but rather because in my state of blissful ignorance, I, much like the audience of 'You got served' who allow captain capitalist at 'Miramax' or 'Touchstone' or 'The Satanic temple of Bhaal' to make more irritating movies, don't give a flying fuck about what i'm unleashing on the world. In fact, i kind of like doom. It has a nice ring to it.
Unfortunately for some reason nobody else seems to think that approaching annihilation is any fun, but for me, it's a laugh riot. Screw clowns, screw television, hell, screw those wonderfully hilarious 'World's funniest animals' reruns. I want pain. I spent all of 'Armageddon' laughing at the dumb fucker who sacrificed his life to save earth. Me, I'd have sat back and watched the flames of deliverance enveloping screaming channel 4 executives.
Mind you, it would be nice if i wasn't killed with the rest of those pricks. I may be too busy screaming in pain as fallout from a nuclear blast caused me to slowly decompose to laugh at their pain, and that would be pretty sucky. I'd rather be in some kind of guitar-shaped satellite up in orbit, zapping shopping-channel satellites and surfing with the aliens while i laugh at people's misery, than actually getting hurt or dying or something like that. I've heard that's quite irritating.
But back to casual slaughter:
All this love of other people's misery will also be a huge help towards me getting my future dream job. Becoming the harvester of souls. Not only would i look good in a big black robe, but i'd also make deaths a more enjoyable experience for everyone (but mostly for me). I even have a special set of knife-edge wit reaper jokes to share with my victi...employees. For example:
'Knock knock'
'Who's there?'
*Scythe to the neck*
'Pizza delivery - I brought free pizza!'
'Really?'
'No, I'm just here to take your soul to hell'
*Scythe to the neck*
...and of course 'pull my finger' would have an interesting AND unexpected result. You can't beat reaper wit. There will always be the odd git with no sense of humour who is upset that he's lost his life and will say something like 'Well, you didn't have to remove all my limbs before you killed me', but frankly, my dear Uber, I don't give a damn.
User Reviews
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-03-08 01:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Quit posting shit like this...
Submitted by kilndropheaven (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff! Very funny.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by dyerbm (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Knock knock'
'Who's there?'
*Scythe to the neck*
'Pizza delivery - I brought free pizza!'
'Really?'
'No, I'm just here to take your soul to hell'
*Scythe to the neck*
That is fucking great!
Submitted by Wave_Rider_Cafe (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful crimson supernova = +1
scythe to the neck = +1 and my new phrase to yell, along with "ARROWED!" and "MSG'D!!!" and "CEREBELLUMED!!!"
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-16 20:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe! A +2 for the pizza delivery exchange.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-02-14 00:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was rather dull. I agree with you on principle though.
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC
http://www.luciferindustries.com
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-02-04 01:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel the exact same way, all the time. There is nothing wrong with you, you are evolving towards Homo Sapiens Rex. After the revolution in 2005, our time will rapidly come. PREPARE FOR THE RIOTS!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-02-03 20:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doom has indeed a good ring to it. Like a bloody great big bell.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-02-03 19:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at the scythe to the neck stuff.
Submitted by defender0417 (user info) at 2004-02-03 19:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the reaper off family guy.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-02-03 18:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment