The Children of Switzerland Never Had a Chance (UberPost2004) (674 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.86 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Quartermain (View user info) at 2004-02-04 12:48:08 EST
I warned you.
I told you what would happen, how I could not control myself, but you laughed at me. You laughed and said 'What's the worst that could happen?'
You're not laughing now though.
I thought I could control myself, that I could have them around and not succumb to the hellish urges and whispered commands. That maybe this time would be different, that this time I would be strong and able to resist temptation. But I was too weak. The shocked and horrified expression you wore the last time I saw you is burned into my memory, like a brand on a cow at the Shame and Guilt ranch.
I warned you.
At first it was enough to just stand there and look at them, in their boxes, where I kept them safe from prying eyes and judgmental questions. I would stand there and look at them. Sometimes I would reach out and start to touch one, but at the last moment would always snatch my hand back like I had been burnt.
And then, and then...it was no longer enough to just look. The temptation was too great. I had to touch them, to feel them. At this point I could delude myself that I was still in control, that I had not started down the slippery slope of rationalization, that I could still back away from the abyss.
What a fool I was.
There came a point where touching was not enough, like how watching before it had not been enough. I was now completely lost and what was more, no longer cared. Facile rationalizations had fallen by the wayside. All that mattered now was possession.
So I began to carve off little bits here and there. An ear here, a foot there, occasionally even a head if I felt I could get away with it. I would quickly dine on my prize and then dispose of the evidence, and none the wiser.
The more I got away with, the bolder I became, until I felt invincible. And that was my downfall. I had consumed the last of my latest prize earlier that day, and was already feeling the need for more. So I went out and got it. I had brought home five or six and was already working on them all when you came home and caught me.
Caught me with those poor children of Switzerland.
Those Swiss chocolate bunny rabbits.
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This post is an entry in UberPost2004. Understand that a review for this post counts as criteria for the judgment of the contest. Only ratings from registered users will be counted. Only the first rating from each user will be counted. Ratings will be accepted for the contest until Monday, February 9, at 11:59:59 pm.
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User Reviews
Submitted by jerk_wad00 (user info) at 2004-02-10 09:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-10 09:35:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh. My god...this is so funny!!! :)
Oh wait. its not.
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Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-02-10 03:54:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-02-10 03:10:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
This post - awful. The entire string of comments below - awesome.
Bart, how about you be a prick and give us the lowdown on whether Frank Black is jerkwad or not?
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Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-10 03:51:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
i loved how, because i said i'm an alcoholic, that automatically makes me a drunk driver. if i did drive drunk, you'd know it, because i'd be doing laps around your trailer in my jeep.
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Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-10 03:24:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Morons, your bus is leaving"
For some reason this made me laugh out loud. You can tell my shift is about to end.
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Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-02-10 03:10:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
This post - awful. The entire string of comments below - awesome.
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Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-10 02:21:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I used the word 'actually' too many times in that review too.
The Crue WILL always rule. I'm listening to 'Dr. Feelgood' right now. That and 'Girl, don't go away mad, girl, just go away...' You should make this into a mp3 or something and send it to everyone who turns into a whiny bitch the minute someone looks at them crossways.
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Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-02-10 02:19:25 (#)
Ranking: -1
Quartermain, that sounds like one of Yes's recipes. The post sucks, but the argument was fascinating, so I'm only giving it a -1.
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Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-02-10 02:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Never argue with a moron; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."
I just thought I'd share this very pertinent thought.
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Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-10 02:09:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mötley Crüe KICKS ASS!
the Crüe will always rüle.
SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!!!
oh yeah, cheese rulez, too.
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Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-10 01:59:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
**Yeah Frank they rock about as much as a tired old overloaded washing machine.**
If you weren't a sad child whose mommy stil does his laundry for him, you'd know that a tired old overloaded washing machine actually rocks like Motley Crue.
**I bet they spend many, many dateless weekend nights**
I actually just got back from a date. And I have another one tomorrow night.
Morons, your bus is leaving
Ashlee- Just dump it all together in a frying pan and mix it around and cover it with cheese. Thats about what I do and I'm still alive.
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Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-02-10 01:08:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm confused. Why was this guy giving himself -2's? It just doesn't make any sense.
In other news, I am extremely hungry. There are several boxes of leftover takeout in my fridge, since I haven't cooked in weeks, but I can't find anything that appeals to me. Here in retirement hell, all dining establishments are closed, so it would seem that I am doomed to spend the next five hours practically immobilized by the aching emptiness from the depths of my stomach. Any suggestion
Submitted by wkey (user info) at 2004-02-04 22:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me going there. Good job.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-04 20:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The last time I posted something similiar to this was that article from the English doctor about how Eminem was destroying music(http://www.ubersite.com/m/10567).
Those of you who gave me positive ratings, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this was funny. Those who didn't, well, apparently the humour-impaired, much like the poor, will always be with us.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-02-04 19:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha. That was lame as hell but I still smiled. Good work.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-02-04 19:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stupid.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-02-04 19:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
But how could his butt hurt? He doesn't have one?
I didn't really like this story.. just.. I dunno.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-02-04 18:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe, 2+ for that picture alone
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-04 16:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beauty
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-02-04 15:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm....chocolate.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-02-04 13:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is funny
Submitted by Swik (user info) at 2004-02-04 13:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the cartoon alone...funny I was trying to see where you were going with it the whole time, I figured it was probably leading to a gag, heh very good.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-02-04 12:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-02-04 12:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. This post makes my mouth water.
Malone
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-04 12:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome to the party quatermain!