God Answers Knee Mail (2234 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.38 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2004-02-04 19:29:40 EST
I hear a lot lately about visual pollution. Do you hear this too? If not, you're deaf. Everyone's whining - "That BILLBOARD is visual pollution". "That TOBACCO ADVERTISEMENT is visual pollution". "Your COCK flopping in the breeze is visual pollution". My question is, if everyone's so concerned about visual pollution, what is Michael Jackson doing alive? Answer me that.
But I think there are even worse examples of visual polluters running amuck.
I notice this all the time driving around town. Just driving around, minding my own business, when GAH! I see a CHURCH BILLBOARD emblazoned with the words "God Answers Knee Mail."
God Answers Knee Mail? What the hell is that? It reminds me of that teacher we all had in high school that insisted on constantly making horrible puns like, "God Answers Knee Mail".
And that's not all. Here's more examples.
"We need to talk. -God" Well, that just makes me want to go to church. Too bad the church the billboard was in front of was Catholic, so the 'talk' probably involved more than dialouge
"God can turn your efil around" I must say I am astounded by the wit at work here - taking an ordinary expression, and spelling a word backwards, now we can be saved and dyslexic at the same time. Or is that lysdexic?
"Can you hear me now? God" - Normally when you use a common commercial catchphrase to sell something else, it has marginal success. Unfortunately in this case, the phrase is so rampantly abused it has lost all of it's orginal value, which was rather small to begin with.
"A Good Example is the Best Sermon" Not bad, actually. Concise and Correct. Now shut the fuck up.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too adept at noticing things. Maybe I'm just anal. Wait, I'm not Catholic.
I am good at noticing. Smoking at the bowling alley while underage I developed a keen eye for cops. When I was even younger, my friends and I had a sophisticated early warning system for when cars were coming, which consisted of saying "Oh Shit!" (as opposed to yelling 'Car!' which is a myth popularized by Hollywood).
But it doesn't matter because Church Billboards suck and Michael Jackson should be shot.
User Reviews
Submitted by cook07 (user info) at 2004-08-10 03:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a chuch sign that said "like ice cream, try our sundays"
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-03 09:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, I get it now. I think...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-03 08:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't get the "knee mail" thing....
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-03 08:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup its good
Submitted by ImYours at 2004-03-03 14:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And what's your take on the new movie? Its all the rave you know... "THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST"
For some reason, the fact that they added the word THE before CHRIST irritates me so much!
In any case... I still want you...
-Naomi
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-02-21 19:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup. all'round great post. I think you'll find that the more cliquey a group becomes, the more radiculous the verbiage. A kind of vocal shorthand, if you like. Try listening to a 12 step group rapt in recovereese. Bleah!
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-21 19:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loki, that is a fucking cool site. How the hell did you find that? I am gonna go play with it for an hour or so
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-02-21 18:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your COCK flopping in the breeze is visual pollution."
Yeah... if I had a dollar for every time that's been said to me...
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-02-18 14:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Or is that lysdexic?"
Oooh, you dirty bastard!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-02-12 11:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-05 11:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-02-05 10:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't get "knee mail" at first either.
"My question is, if everyone's so concerned about visual pollution, what is Michael Jackson doing alive? Answer me that."...that, however, I loved.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-05 04:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
god answers E-mail, too. just send your prayers to hidden101.at.hotmail.com, and you will be dealt with accordingly. unless you're gonna be like, "dear god, please let me win the lottery." or, "lord, please cure my cancer." save that shit. what the fuck you think i am, a fuckin' genie in a bottle?
man, if i was really god, you'd all be FUCKED. if i were god, i'd smite the post killers, and i'd grant Kaelic some real intelligence and also some courage so he could finally tell his parents he's gay.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-02-05 03:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At a gay church: "Body of Christ?"
I kid you not.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-02-05 00:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think Jackson sucks and billboards should be shot.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-02-04 23:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
'Our church is prayer-conditioned.'
Submitted by cheeze (user info) at 2004-02-04 22:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and melissa answers sex wanted ads, but i'm not fucking advertising that now am i?
melissa (who doesn't really)
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-04 21:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, those help spread Christianity about as much as 'Law&Order' helps catch criminals.
The people who had such a hard-on for the Ten Commandments in Alabama(which were nowhere near as smugly corny and trite)can make up for it by being productive and getting rid of those.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-02-04 21:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I HATE Church billboards.
People who live near where I used to live, I have three words for you:
Harvester Baptist Church.
"In the cookie of life, friends are the chocolate chips."
or
"Don't blame the rule if you don't measure up."
And I'm pretty sure I've seen the Knee Mail thing before. I blame Harvester Baptist Church. Words really can't describe the frustration I feel when I have to read their trite little sayings.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-02-04 20:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't get what "Knee Mail" was supposed to mean until well after I finished reading the post. Weird people.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-02-04 20:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-02-04 19:57:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw this sign earlier today
The Daytona Races of life are here be sure and make your pitstops at our fathers house.
-Turtle
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-04 19:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this post reminds me of http://www.aboyandhiscomputer.com/churchsigns.php
not too bad of a post though.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-02-04 19:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me!