Only Cheat With Ugly People (853 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.21 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <kingmob> (View user info) at 2004-02-05 17:24:46 EST
First time poster, long time fan...So my friend comes up to me and says, "There's this girl from work..." (It's always bad when a married person starts a story out like that). This guy works for IBM, so I'm thinking he's running around on his wife with some techno-geek chick whose idea of a wild night is editing her blog site over a case of Dr. Pepper while listening to Blue Man Group. He goes into this whole story about how the two of them have met at random motels 3 or 4 times over the past 2 months and now he thinks he's falling in love with her. He rattles my head with visions of wild, uninhibited sex and all I can picture is him cheating on his wife of seven years with Nerdette, Queen of the Internet. He vividly describes their orgasm scorecard from their last meeting (her 6 to his 4 in a matter of 3 hours), all the things she has said to him, all the feelings he has for her, all the one handed typing he's been doing late at night with her, how he may have to leave his wife so that he can be with her and so on. To make matters worse, she is married to a police officer who is supposedly a mega jock with huge muscles and a deep, unforgiving hatred of computer nerds. I desperately plead to my friend's fleeting common sense with my best stab at compassion and ask him, "Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you want to be found dead in a jail cell with a nightstick crammed in your cornhole?" I see he thinks I'm kidding, so I tighten my tone somewhat. "Dude, you have a great wife. What are you doing?" He pulls a picture out and shows it to me. I take one look and pay no attention to the slobber drooling off my chin.
Holy crap. The girl is a gorgeous.
Evidentially, she's an ex college cheerleader, sorority girl, homecoming queen with fake boobs, fake blonde hair and a body that only depresses people like me because the only time I'll ever see anything like that is buffering in the windows media player. He laughs at my expression and says, "Now who's out of their mind, asshole?" The girl obviously has some emotional issues if she's cheating on her hunky husband with my nerdy friend (whose looks are tolerable at best). He swears she loves him because of his intellect and is infatuated with the idea that he is everything her husband isn't. Our meeting ends with a quick smoke, a laugh and me wishing him well in his infidelity adventures.
Two weeks go by and I bump into him again. His face looks weathered and sad and he reeks of booze and self-loathing. "Hey man, how's the cheating going?" I ask, knowing from the look on his face that he's either going through a divorce or going into hiding to avoid police lynching (which is never pleasant). He hangs his head low and just like Paul Harvey, drunkenly slurs out "the rest of the story"...
A week or so ago, his wife, suspicious of his actions, snoops into his computer, finds a password doc riddled with email boxes and passwords and eventually breaks into his inbox. She finds what she is looking for and hits the roof like a Mexican with a bucket of tar. Luckily, there was no explicit mention of sex, however he had trouble explaining the "I love you's" and all the deep feelings the two obviously shared. He tells me he passed the whole thing off to his wife as an "email flirtation" that got wildly out of control and that all communication with this girl will cease. "Good move," I mutter, however here's where he really steps in it. He tells the girlfriend about the news and she flips out worse than his wife did. He said she reverted into a God-fearing, chaotic blundering sermon about hellfire and brimstone and decided to cut everything off completely. All her "feelings" and "love" quickly turned to regret and resentment the minute his honesty hit her. He says his wife isn't divorcing him, however he has set up a cot in his garage where he has been staying indefinitely until the wife lets him back in the house. My friend doesn't look near as vibrant and full of excitement as he did a couple weeks ago. "The garage is freezing cold, the cot hurts my back and I lost the hottest girl to ever have looked twice at me," he said.
"Be glad you're still married," I said. "Next time, get your wife a boob job and a vacation. It will be cheaper than a divorce and you still end up with the love of your life." Obviously I couldn't curb his optimism.
I think the girlfriend represented something that has been out of his reach his whole life. People like him don't get looked at by sorority girls or cheerleaders. We usually don't see our wives in anything other than granny panties, and the days of going out and getting wild have turned to nights of staying in and getting fat. I couldn't blame the idiot really. Everyone likes to feel special sometimes and everyone likes to think they can nail hot chicks, even if most of us can't.
So my question is this: How does he convince himself that he's actually GLAD the hot girlfriend is gone? How does he convince himself that he loves his wife after capturing a brief moment of affection from a girl that only the super jocks and meatheads of the world get to experience? My advice would be to only cheat with girls uglier than your wife, however that kinda defeats the whole purpose doesn't it?
User Reviews
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-02-05 23:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Average girls are the best, because if they're shitty you'll find someone who is hotter, even if they too suck in bed. What girls lack in beauty, they make up for in bed.
Except the uglies. They have little to no experience.
[In fact, look up the 'chubby girls are better' post. That shit is on the money.]
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-02-05 23:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hidden101: the average girls were always the best.
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werd.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-05 20:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no sympathy for the bugger. You screw around like that and it always comes back and bites you in the ass.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-05 18:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
crazy story.
i've been with a lot of average girls, and i've been with a lot of girls that made every guy in the room turn his head wherever we went. the average girls were always the best. they always treated me the best, and they always seemed so much sexier in bed than the hot girls.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2004-02-05 18:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice...
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-02-05 18:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent first post!
I guess it just shows how infidelity can really fuck up something good. As for your friend, there's no magic words to make him feel better about what happened. It'll just take time to get things back to normal, if they ever DO get back to normal.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-02-05 18:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Woah, I just thought about that... IS it worse to be caught cheating with an ugly woman??
Yes. I agree with Anjie. I'd be able to get over it if he cheated with someone more beautiful.
By get over it, I don't mean "forgive".
That's nuts!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"+2 for this FANTASTIC line. Actually, a survey of women showed that they are MORE likely to forgive a man for cheating if they think the woman the man cheated with is beautiful. If you cheat with the uglies, you get burned."
******
Couldn't agreee more!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1. Made me smile at him getting his shit ruined.
If I were cheating, I'd never stay with the person I was doing it with. There's a unsettling ethical question that would never leave me alone:
What happens when she gets bored with me?
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck you! the Blue Man Group is awesome.
About that whole problem thing, i got nothing.
And are chicks with fake tits and fake blond hair that fucking hot? not in my book.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
He should have dumped his wife for this chick. Sure she'd probably cheat on him too, but big fuckin deal. She's still hot, and he'd have her most of the time. Plus, she works. I'm not sure if his wife does, but since it wasn't mentioned, I'm going to assume she's the stay at home type.
Always work your way up the ladder, that's my motto.
Yeah, that's my new motto...
Submitted by bubut (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn....well done. Best post I've read in a while...keep up the good work
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. Remind him that cheaters and liars end up living their last years alone, alone, completely and utterly ALONE, and unloved. No one will go to his funeral, etc.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-02-05 17:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Evidentially, she's an ex college cheerleader, sorority girl, homecoming queen with fake boobs, fake blonde hair and a body that only depresses people like me because the only time I'll ever see anything like that is buffering in the windows media player."
+2 for this FANTASTIC line. Actually, a survey of women showed that they are MORE likely to forgive a man for cheating if they think the woman the man cheated with is beautiful. If you cheat with the uglies, you get burned.