To Thine Own Scent Be True (289 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shag_rat <ward_ay.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-05 21:32:29 EST
My room smells sometimes; it's an unavoidable fact when you're living in a room the size of a walk-in closet, and you're sharing this space with two guinea pigs who are open and unrepentant about their bodily functions.
However, today was the day I took action. I walked out of the stinkroom, breathed my first breath of clean air for the day, and headed down to the closest "sells everything" store, Zeller's in this case, that I could find. There, I laid down about forty dollars to get me some deodorizers, carpets cleaners, febreze, and spring scented Glade plugins, and went home to wage war on the death smell that I have been shamefully living with for the past few months.
When I was done, I felt free. I could finally leave my door open without my roommates complaining of the rank odour; in fact, one was pleading with me as she was making dinner to leave the door open so the rest of house could benefit from the fruits of my labours.
'Nay.' I said. I wanted to be selfish, and hug the spring scented glory that was my room to myself, at least for a short while. I shut myself away in my room, and lost myself in the glorious chemical cloud that surrounded my computer.
And that's when The Smell kicked in. I couldn't think of any logical source but myself, and paranoia seeped slowly in.
[inner voice]: You should shower!
[inner voice]: I didn't even know you were capable of that smell.
'Shuttup,' I'd argue back. 'I showered last night, and I haven't done anything that strenuous since. I smell fine.'
[inner voice]: It's here. It has to be coming from somewhere. And I don't think something died in the Carpet Cleaner's rug.
'It's possible. Shuttup. And they're always putting a certain percent of bad smells in air fresheners. It makes the consumer buy more.' I'd pathetically defend myself.
[inner voice]: Shower now! Shower now before the smells seeps out and the house has to be quarantined: Tomorrow, buy some douche!
'Just try and make me. I know I smell just fine, thanks.' I steeled myself for a battle of wills, the Sweet smells vs. the Foul smells. I even anchored my arms on to the arm-rests on my chair.
[Inner voice]: Go. Go now before you acquire the nickname Grotty Cunt.
I went.
I grabbed my shower things, and ran out my bedroom door and into the kitchen...
...where I realised my room-mate was frying up a panfull of filleted sole...
Relief flooded through me, and I almost embarrassed myself right there in the kitchen. But no. I had not narrowly avoided the Grotty Cunt sobriquet only to trade it in for Pissy Pants.
I sauntered back into my room, as if flying out from it like a mad woman seconds earlier was a normal occurrence. I reveled in the joy of my own sweet smell, and feverishly promised my body I would never confuse its unique odours for another. I wanted to proclaim it to the world.
Unfortunately, this led me to call up my friends to tell them of my amazing escape. And although they have yet to call me Grotty Cunt, I do get the (frequent) FishBox.
...the last time I felt this stupid was when I suggest we get a 2-4, and then asked 'how many's that? like, 24?'
User Reviews
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-06 11:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of
charging $6.95 for it.
-- Moe Syzlak
Flaming Moe's
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-02-05 22:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Grotty Cunt sobriquet suits a young lady such as yourself.
Submitted by guy <chimera_man.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-05 21:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahha grotty cunt!
you're all kinds of sexy