Getting Turned On - When Being Jumped Just Doesn't Do It (997 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Michelle <elleshim.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-09 11:18:41 EST
Just jump the old girl, that'll turn her on!
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You meet someone and you can tell right away if the two of you "click". You register attraction or repulsion to varying degrees and react accordingly. Every so often, whether from need or desire, there is a spark, a jolt of energy felt that unmistakably and undeniably signals a CONNECTION. The very air around you seems to come alive. Alive with buzzing molecules as they resonate and shimmering particles as they vibrate in this new energy field. The electricity generated leaves little doubt as to the power and potential of this new connection.
But what do you do if it becomes apparent that, somehow, some way, something is mysteriously draining away all the energy. The power that ought to be an effective and compelling force is never realized. The vim, verve and vigor, the pizzazz, pep and punch; all drained. Zest, zeal, zip; all gone. No oomph, no snap, no jazz, no moxie.
How can this be? Conditions are optimal. All systems are a go. Indicators green, levels within normal range. No warning lights, no alarms. So what went wrong? Where did we go wrong?
Such was the case for me last evening. It had been an otherwise typical, mundane day in my dreadfully typical, mundane life. Indistinguishable from preceding days and sure to be as unremarkable as days following. These thoughts lead to complacency and are largely why I was unprepared to deal with what transpired. A simple issue that should have been easily resolved became a lesson in frustration, snaring me and two others and consuming three hours of our lives. What began innocently enough soon turned into puzzlement, exasperation and despair.
I had been held up on a call so I was leaving work a bit late. Heading out to my car I try to make up lost seconds by performing a rare and difficult juggling maneuver. The trick is to hang on to my coat and purse as I try to find my keys, get them out and ready and light a cigarette in the wind - all at the same time! This attempt was not successful. As my keys slid under the car I admitted defeat. I bent to retrieve them and noticed that my tail lights looked like they were on. "Aw bullshit!" I thought, telling myself(and fervently praying)that I was just seeing the sun on the reflectors. In this state of denial I piled my gear in the car, got behind the wheel and tried to start the car. Nothing. I let my eyes slide over to what I had been trying not to see. Sure enough the lights were on. Of course they were. Why wouldn't they be?
I was thoroughly pissed at myself and not at all happy about having to ask for help. Mentally I predicted that everyone else would be gone and that my adventure was about to get a whole lot harder than my juggling trick. I walked around the building and found another late straggler making his way to his car. A kind and generous soul, he cheerfully offered his help complete with jumper cables. Jump a dead battery, no problem! Take 10 minutes tops, right? Wrong!
We just recently bought the car so I hadn't ever had to open the hood - I had a hard time finding the hood release! Next, it opens a bit in the front, then swings open from behind. Took us a minute to figure that out. Hood's open and we both stand there peering at the various gizmos and doodads slowly realizing that there is no battery under the hood. Wait, no battery? What the hell? Okay, time for a crash course on my new car.
My "new" car is a 1995 BMW 525i. She's in perfect condition. Fully loaded with more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. In fact, all I'd had to look up in the owners manual so far had been trivial things like how to open the cd changer in the trunk or what functions the various buttons, dials, switches, levers and knobs controlled. So I start at the index under battery. I skim through the page and determine that the battery is located under the back seat. Perfect. The seat should just flip up then, right? We push and pull and examine every inch of the seat, the back, the pull-down armrest - all to no avail.
Another late-leaving, helpful employee joins us in our quest. "What's the problem?" he asks. Little does he know that the list of possible problems grows longer every minute. He starts checking out the back seat and all surrounding area for some secret mechanism that may allow entry into the sacred and protected battery compartment.
I let them look while I read that battery page a bit closer. Oops - shoulda read this sooner. It seems as though there is a positive terminal in the engine compartment specifically for jump starting. My fellow employees look at me with strained patience. They hook up the cars and after a minute tell me to start 'er up. Click. shit Click. Shit Click. SHIT What's the deal? Let's just give her a few more minutes. Surely it'll turn over next time. But it doesn't turn over next time. It doesn't even try to crank the engine. Not that time and not the next 5 or 6 hundred times we try.
We start looking at the lights glowing on the dash. Was that one on before? Does it go off when we turn the key? What does the bright red BRAKE FLUID warning mean? Why is the interior light on in the back seat? What's this tiny blinking light on the stereo for? That tiny blinking light is for the anti-theft system. Oh hell, could we have tripped the security system? I have 3 separate manuals on the security systems. From what I can tell there are many ways to trigger the passive anti-theft systems and not the trigger the alarm. If that happens the car becomes inoperable. We couldn't have done that, could we?
One of the guys wonders aloud, "Maybe the positive terminal up here has become unconnected from the battery back there."
Everyone decides at this point to pick an option and investigate. One of them alternately removes and replaces fuses then looks at the display lights. The other works on finding a way into the battery compartment without tearing up the leather upholstery. I busy myself with the various manuals. Besides the main owners manual (that appears to describe and instruct on everything EXCEPT how to get under the rear seat on my model) there is one for the anti-theft cd-ready radio, one for the remote keyless-entry security system and one for the vehicle immobilization system. Time passes slowly with one or the other of us occasionally muttering, "Hey, I wonder if this is it.... nope."
The time comes when I have to do what I had been trying VERY hard to NOT have to do. I have to call my husband Art and tell him what has happened complete with why and how. He remains calm. He wants to call the people we bought the car from to see if they have any clue. He calls back and asks me if I flooded it. Flooded it? It never cranked. I never pushed the gas pedal. He says I'd better hope not because they did flood it one time before and it cost $800 to repair the fuel injection. I tell him just to come get me. It's barely 20 degrees outside and all of us are freezing. He can deal with it tomorrow. He has to make the 45 minute to an hour commute from my house. My would-be rescuers insist on waiting with me. In that time we cuss foreign cars in general and the fine folks over at the Bavarian Motor Works in particular.
Art shows up and talks to the guys for a minute about what's been done, what they think could be wrong. They finally make their escape from the madness and insanity that is my car. Art decides he wants to try jumping it with our Jeep.
"Fine... whatever." I sigh and move to get into the warm Jeep. "Wait!!" I yell. It probably doesn't matter but when I was reading the section on jumping a dead battery for like the 17th time I noticed that it says:
'If connections deviate from that described in the foregoing, blah blah blah....'
We decide to follow the instructions to the letter, connection by connection. Then the Jeep's engine has to be at a steady 2,000 rpm. Then Art turns the key in my beemer and IT STARTS!!!!!
Holy hell and pass the Tylenol! That was it??? Connecting each of the 4 cables in a very precise order, revving the other engine to 2,000 and holding it starts the car? Well now I know. Wait till I tell the guys from work - they'll never trust me to read anything even slightly technical again. Nothing I can't live with.
I still haven't found out how to get to the battery under the seat but I have worked out some spells and curses to try. The old stand-by, "Open sesame" didn't work but one of them is bound to. If all else fails, I may call my local BMW dealer or look it up on the net... Nah..., I probably won't.
Michelle
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-09-09 19:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story!
Also wanted to thank you again for your awesome help on my cry of desperation! You were an amazing help, I cant even describe how helpful you were. Really gave me a new sight on writing... thank you SO MUCH! thank you thank you thank you!!!!
Oh and by the way, I did a google search, and this is the closest clue to your seat problems as I could find:
http://bimmer.roadfly.org/e34/messages/archive/msgsy2001w32/14466.html
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-09 05:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too short.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-02-09 23:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have you been?
Nice to see you're alive.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-02-09 15:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Since nobody has done it in a while...
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-09 15:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm sorry, i couldn't read all of it, but i enjoyed the beginning.. i need to stop wathcing tv, my atterntion span is tiny
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-02-09 14:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I left my lights on Saturday and the battery died. Thankfully it wasn't as troublesome as yours.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-02-09 14:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh, heh, the +1 is for the title. You naughty girl!
I hate cars. All cars. In fact, hardware of any kind.
The only thing I have learned is RTB (Read The Book). It doesn't always work, but at least you can tell everybody "Hey, I read the damn book!"
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-02-09 14:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Your battery died and you have a BMW? That was alot of reading to just say that. You should write textbooks. You'd give Dr. Stanley a run for his money, the information to words ratio of that post was damn near close to zero.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-09 13:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What.. the... fuck...
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-02-09 13:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I suppose I should be grateful that none of you have associated your comments of "TOO LONG" with a negative rating. Thanks, I guess
It's been a while since I posted anything. I haven't even been on here to read much lately. So it appears that I missed some mass lowing of attention span. Had I known, I would have edited accordingly.
Michelle
Submitted by GreaterThanBest (user info) at 2004-02-09 12:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would like to say interesting and a bunch of good stuff, but i didnt even make it through a third of this. Oh well, at least i have you a hit and a review
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-02-09 12:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too long
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-02-09 11:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hendrix you shit. You read it and you enjoyed every word. Why is that so hard to admit?
If you want, I could let you read it again.
Michelle
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-02-09 11:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That was a pretty long story for a dead battery.
Attention to detail.. it saves time.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-02-09 11:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't have a clue what I just read.