The Core (Or why Hollywood makes me cry at night) (935 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.65 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <wonket12.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-10 16:44:54 EST
Alright I just saw the movie "The Core," and so I wanted to write this review. I know it's a little long, but bare with me, I hope it'll be worth it. Thanks.
Ok I want you to close your eyes for a moment. Now think of the worst, lamest, stupidest plot for a major motion picture imaginable. If you thought of a nuclear device designed to cause other countries to have earthquakes but ultimately ends up stopping the spinning of the core of the Earth which ends up causing cosmic storms which destroy Rome and only one man, or one group of men (and a woman, who is dumb) can stop it by going into a ship that can't possibly exist and traveling, yes, to the center of the Earth to detonate thermonuclear devices to restart the spinning of the Earth to save the world...well then you were right and you've either seen "The Core" or, as I had, have already guessed the plot to this "thriller." I wouldn't say "thriller" is really the right word to adequately describe this motion picture; maybe something more along the lines of crap, but I suppose that's subjective.
Anyone who has seen this movie will tell you that you have just wasted your money, and your life. Did I pay to see this movie? Yes. Am I hypocrite for believing that anyone who spent money on this movie is on par with the intelligence of a brain dead horse on crack...in a coma? Yes. But is that the point? No. The point is that this script could have been improved if someone had pissed on it, flushed it down the toilet, and then rewritten it so it was good. To be honest with you, Helen Keller could have written a better script with her ass. The dialogue in the movie is just horrific. I just don't understand what they were thinking when they wrote this piece of junk. The following are actual quotes from the movie.
Example 1:
Guy 1: "Everyone on Earth is dead in three months."
Guy 2: "The planet Earth?"
No not the planet Earth, the other one. OF COURSE THE PLANET EARTH YOU FUCKING MORON. What other Earth is there? Is that necessary dialogue? I feel like they're just killing time. I am actually stupider for having heard that line.
Example 2:
Guy 1: "The core of the Earth has stopped spinning."
General: "How do we fix it?"
Guy 1: "We can't."
Idiot: "Yes......but what if we could?"
Are you kidding me?! Yes this is the most memorable line in the movie, but only because it makes me want to cry at night. Is this what mankind has come to? Don't you get it you idiot, if "we could" there wouldn't be a fucking problem! You have single handedly undermined the entire movie. You are a disgrace to Earth, and in case you were wondering yes, the planet Earth.
The premise of the movie is basically Armageddon in reverse: rather than leaving the earth they're going into the middle of it, and it's bad. While in Armageddon there's a certain element of tragedy (i.e. when Bruce Willis dies, aw sad) whereas in The Core it's more like a cockfight (not that kind of cockfight). There's a sense of gratification every time another character dies. The feeling you get when the characters die is kind of like the feeling when you're watching a football game and a guy gets viciously tackled. There's a part of you that wants to feel bad, but then quickly reason takes over and you realize that it's just fucking awesome and you really couldn't care less.
Not only is this movie full of horrific dialogue and a painfully predictable plot, but the characters are actually dumb, and I don't mean dumb in the sense of that woman from The Piano, I mean dumb like locking yourself in a bathroom and then peeing you pants. Example A: One of the opening scenes is a couple of Federal agents coming to get a professor who is teaching an exceedingly dull class. They ask him: "Is your name [whatever the hell his name is]?" To which he responds: "Maybe." Maybe? I guess if we've learned anything from this movie it's that when Federal agents ask you your name you're supposed to not give them a definitive answer. Remember when committing a crime if the cops ask you your name, just say "maybe," and if the IRS ever calls your house, remember James Smith is your name, or is it?! The other major character fault (and there are many others including a moron who invents a new substance which he "cleverly" names "unobtainium." Ooooh clever name. Clearly the writers must have woken up from their acid induced coma to come up with that one) lies within a certain "Frenchman," which incidentally is French for "surrender." This idiot, whose name makes me cringe (Serge, pronounced Ser-jeh, yes he spells it phonetically in the movie) is probably the most random character I've ever seen in a movie. He actually just "comes along for the ride." Everyone else in the movie has a set job aboard the spaceship while Serge basically just gets on the ship and makes stupid French noises throughout the movie until he's brutally crushed and burned by molten hot lava, thank god (it was at this point that I stood up and cheered during the movie louder than any other moment in the film, except for when it ended).
Of course in addition to the fatally pathetic plot, dialogue, and acting in The Core there were also the usual "minor technicalities" that all movies have. The best example of this is the speed of the rocket ship they create. If you calculate the speed that the ship is traveling towards the center of the Earth, and I did, they manage to travel 700 miles in 12 hours. That comes out to about 58 mph. So they've created a ship out a material that doesn't exist with a laser that can't possibly exist, and put those two objects together in a rocket ship headed for the center of the Earth, but the screen writers thought it would just be stupid if they went faster than the speed limit on the West Side Highway. My grandmother can walk faster than that and she's almost 80. Good thinking guys, a rocket ship that goes fast, that's just preposterous!
If there is one word that sums up the antithesis of this movie it's continuity. This movie is the least consistent movie I have ever seen in my entire life. First of all the quintessential rule when making acronyms for secret government projects in movies is that YOU HAVE TO SPELL IT RIGHT. In the movie, when it appears that all hope is lost (for the movie to be good), and it seems as if the planet is going to explode one of the character brings up a "secret government" weapon code named Project DESTINI (pronounced like "destiny"). The best thing about this is that the character actually spells out the word, which is an acronym for Deep Earth Seismic Trigger INIative, he spells it out as D-E-S-T-I-N-I. Later in the movie on the screen they flash "Project DESTINY," with a 'y.' So basically the writers bothered to explain how to spell it DESTINI out in the movie for the audience and then couldn't even spell it right for themselves. Of course you can't always blame the writers, some of the editing in this movie was equally dim witted. At the end of the movie when the pilot of the ship, after Ser-jeh, has died says to the main character, "We were doing it for three." Three what?! That doesn't even make sense! Apparently in one of the previews for the movie there's a line where Ser-jeh explains that he's not hoping to save everyone on the planet "just my wife and my daughters. Just three." This is obviously a terrible line (once again the writers fault) but in editing this got cut out of the movie, he never says it thankfully. But they failed to cut out the corresponding line at end. So basically I was sitting there, with tears in my eyes from having spent money to see this movie, and all I could manage to say to myself was, "THREE WHAT?! I HATE YOU WOMAN."
The end of the movie is just horrendous. Sorry if I'm ruining it but if you end up seeing the movie you won't be surprised anyways. To say the least the ending surprised me about as much as would finding gay porn on a Richard Simmon's computer. Basically everybody in the movie dies except for the main characters, the idiot who said "maybe" to the federal agents, and this random woman who sucks at two things: piloting the ship and life. The two of them are sitting at the bottom of the ocean, and yes unfortunately they managed to restart the core of the Earth using thermonuclear devices and not die because they can clearly escape a 200-megaton nuclear blast by traveling at 58 mph away; of course, how stupid of me to question that. Anyways this other guy, you know the skinny guy from Road Trip that everyone hated, who has been hired to "hack the planet" (very logical) ends up figuring out that whales, you heard me whales, are calling to the battle ship that's on the search and rescue mission, to tell the ship where the two characters are under the sea. Classic, just classic.
A short recap: the movie sucks. I'm sorry but it's people like the writers of The Core that are the reason that millions die needlessly every year. These are same idiots driving the wrong way up a one way street, the same morons who piss on toilet seats, and the same jackasses who voted for Bush. Please, please do not see this movie. Do not spend money to see this movie, you're only encouraging them. I mean in all fairness I did spend money to see this movie, and do I regret it? On the one hand yes, but at the same time it was so horrible that it was actually amusing at times. Sadly enough it was actually one of the funniest movies I've ever seen, but in a bad way. I am truly sad that the writers of this movie actually wrote it and were paid to do so, but there's really nothing I can do about it now. But what if I could?
User Reviews
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was "Mission to Mars" or "Red Planet" (which ever had Val Kilmer and Carrie Anne Moss) that had the worst possible science. The storms on Mars are far more violent, and the whole idea of being able to breath on the planet after all the algae was destroyed didn't make because of the laws of thermodynamics.
Plus I hate Val Kilmer in movies that don't involve jet fighters.
Submitted by pot8tomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
now it spins like butta
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-11 15:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i saw a site awhile ago that proclaimed this movie the worst physics movie ever. it then went on to list the huge number of faults and moronic idiocies associated with the movie. needless to say, the site was very very long. but they used paragraphs...
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-02-11 10:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon and I were talking about this on Saturday. Alot of everything you say is true.
The movie generally sucked but I did like the idea of the movie. Well some of the idea. Like the laser. Id like to have one of those just for the hell of it. And that metal stuff too. But it was a shit movie. Just a cool idea.
This was definetly the best review of a movie Ive seen in my entire life. You should be the next Siskel and Ebert. Just without the 2 annoying guys and just you.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2004-02-11 08:33:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, me and my friend make fun of his sister because she said she liked it. Of course she also listens to Linkin Park, so her opinion clearly doesn't matter.
The whole idea of going to the center of the Earth is ridiculous ... you'd be fused into diamonds upon going into the mantle alone. I don't care what process you are using, there is NO way that it is even remotely possible. And that is why I never saw the Core.
As for the snide Matrix Revolutions remark: There indeed was some cheese, and rather flat dialogue, but if you look back on all of the dialogue it makes sense and gets you thinking. Every scene in that movie builds up to something, and has a purpose. It isn't even in the same ballpark as the Core. Reloaded was the best one though.
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-02-11 03:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This had to have been the funniest movie review I've ever seen.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-11 01:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know, I kind of liked it. Admittedly, its not 'Citizen Kane' but for being half of the dollar theatre double feature on a rainy Saturday afternoon it did alright. But then again I liked 'Daredevil' too, so you probably shouldn't listen to me.
This would have gotten a positive rating, but solid blocks of text make the baby Jesus cry.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-02-11 00:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
well, i agree that it was pretty bad, but definately not the WORST movie i've ever seen. and for bad scripting, nothing beats Matrix:Revolutions (which definitely did not improve on Reloaded, which was pretty awesome though it sucked next to the original......). that little kid ruined Revolutions more than Jar Jar ruined Phantom Menace. anywho, there were at least some cool effects..............................kinda?....
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-02-10 23:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone may have said this already, but since the only important reviews are mine, I didn't read anything below. It's a lot easier on the eyes if you leave spaces between each paragraph. But this was amusing, and, being a masochist and all, I now want to see the movie.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-02-10 21:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was actually at Wal-Mart today looking at that very movie and considering whether or not I should buy it. I got Gangs of New York instead. Glad I did.
Submitted by skatastrophy (user info) at 2004-02-10 19:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wales? WALES!? are you serious? holy christ how did someone actually think this movie would make money. Maybe they thought of it like Gigli, people would hear it was SOOO bad they had to see it for themelves. Im almost tempted....NO id better not.
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-02-10 19:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"To say the least the ending surprised me about as much as would finding gay porn on a Richard Simmon's computer."
I didn't get this part, you mean you WERE surprised by the ending?
Surely you don't mean...
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-02-10 18:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was one of the most kick-ass movie reviews I have ever read. A little unpolished, but all in all great. I look forward to more.
Submitted by Jeriko2k3 <Jeriko2k3.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-02-10 18:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well I thought the idea of the movie was a good one. But like so many things, what is good on paper isn't always good in reality. I thought I had somehow been suckered into watching a movie where everyone was watching an acid trip inducing screen. Watch out there's a giant diamond, or look our for that pink gas stuff. This movie obviously ripped off Armaggedon, Deep Impact, and a little ID4. Except of course they went to the center of the world. Good Idea, bad implementation, and horrible acting. At least the two surviors at the end could have had sex or something, at least then the movie would be somewhat worthwhile to see.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-10 18:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because this movie is probably just as bad as Double Jeopardy.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-02-10 18:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A very funny review. I especially liked the part where you described the stupidity of the people as locking yourself in the bathroom and peeing yourself. That line had me in stitches.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-02-10 18:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was tough, but I did manage to read this through my eyelids.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-10 18:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason, every once in a while a movie comes out that i want to see, yet i know in my heart it will suck.
thanks for killing the urge.
Submitted by Wonket (user info) at 2004-02-10 18:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright guys, sorry about the paragraphs. That was a mistake, my bad.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-10 17:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I too hated The Core.
But, paragraphs, man, PARAGRAPHS!
Submitted by Scott <bob.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-10 17:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Overall good. Next time, you might not want to ask the readers to close their eyes. That kind of slows down the whole reading thing. I swear to God, someone will do it.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-02-10 17:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-10 16:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny at times.
A little tip though, paragraphs on here don't come out very well unless you skip an entire line. Just a way to increase reading ease in the future.