Batman Sucks, Fuck Batman (3452 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Trout (View user info) at 2004-02-11 06:22:35 EST
Superheroes.
Everybody loves them, with the possible exception of supervillians.
I decided to look at 5 superheroes/groups of superheroes to see just how super they are.
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Spiderman
Synopsis: Bitten by a radioactive spider Peter Parker gains strange spider-like powers.
Super abilities: Stronger than the average bear. Ability to stick to walls. Heightened sixth ("spidey") sense to danger.
Conclusion: Nice package of skills, if he could biologically manufacture his own webs he'd have the full package. Fights the coolest villians out of all the heroes.
The cool kids superhero of choice.
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Superman
Synopsis: Son of Ja Rule the rapper. Came to earth like a little baby Jesus - to save.
Super abilities: Can fly. His super spunk is so potent that Lois can't get pregnant in Lois&Clark as her womb would curdle under the pressure. X-ray vision. Super strength.
Super everything really.
Conclusion: Can't get any more super than superman. Boring kids hero of choice.
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X-Men
Synopsis: Group of supermutants.
Super Abilities: Various amongst the group. Examples include the ability to change the weather, super strength, invisibility, flight, telekinesis
Conclusion: Combined abilities can whoop anyone's ass. Everyone has their favourite x-person, mostly wolverine. The kids that know about comic books heroes of choice.
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Wonder Woman
Synopsis: Created from clay and the soul of a murdered baby (!!!!). Also an Amazonian.
Super Abilities: Wonder Woman was blessed by the gods with the powers of flight, superior strength, and speed.
Conclusion: Not as famous as the rest but pretty handy in a scrap. Young girls hero of choice.
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Batman
Synopsis: After witnessing his parents murder young heir Bruce Wayne decides to dedicate his life to being judge, jury and executioner to the criminal underworld.
Super Abilities: Fuck all. he's a man, nothing super about him whatsoever.
Conclusion: A fucking fraud. Jumped up vigilante that kills people and thinks he can get away with it because he's rich. Any of the above would kick his ass. He's also got a butler. What a cunt.
Favoured by kids that smoke Marlboro reds and wear leather jackets thinking they're cool.
Basically, he's the anti-social kids hero of choice because like them he doesn't give a fuck for anyone but his own twisted bitter black hearted self.
And he's called Bruce.
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Overall Conclusion: Batman sucks, fuck Batman. Spidey rocks, the rest are ok.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coby_Llamar (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You're just jealous.
And Batman doesn't kill people. The next time you bash something, make sure you get all your facts straight.
I say fuck you, and everyone who looks like you.
Submitted by lazaruslng9676 (user info) at 2004-03-15 15:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I was always partial to the Flash. Well, the first two Flashes because they could actually vibrate into other dimensions. The third Flash was a chode. I do have to agree with the people sticking up for Batman though. He busts a lot of heads without having any powers. Still, a funny post.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-02-18 09:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-02-11 11:47:24 (#)
Ranking: 1
Spawn
Probably the most badass of all superheroes. Can turn into anything. Likes to use really big guns. Has this most bad-ass super hero costume of all. Yep, Spawn ownz!
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You stole my reply, arsehole.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-02-18 09:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-02-11 13:44:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm laughing. Not at this post, it wasn't even really entertaining, but at the reply by The Taste of Monkeys.
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youre right herp. ! fucking RULE!
+2 for me.
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2004-02-13 09:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Big mistake... You showed your ignorance of Batman
Even though Batman has no superpowers, he is a intelligent detective with amazing technological resources, scientific knowledge and impressive martial arts skills.
Also, he is not the judge, jury and executioner... He is the super policeman who captures criminals and hand them over to justice and due process. He has vowed to never use a gun and never kill these criminals. He just captures them. So he is not a vigilante.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-02-13 09:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm beginning to like the sound of this Batman.
What should I buy to see how much he kicks ass?
Anyone?
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-02-13 09:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-02-13 08:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There was a comic in which Batman kicked Superman's ass into next week. Superman was lying on the ground with his eyes closed and Batman stood above him. "Open your eyes," he said, "I want you to see the man who defeated Superman."
Punisher rules.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-02-13 08:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed
Submitted by bader <albadrey5.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-13 08:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-02-11 13:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm laughing. Not at this post, it wasn't even really entertaining, but at the reply by The Taste of Monkeys.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-02-11 13:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Batman is a vigilante yes.
A rich, highly intelligent, highly trained man with the means to execute his form of justice.
He is an Anti-Hero. He doesn't care if you like him or not.
He is driven and motivated. He couldn't be an idiot otherwise Wayne Enterprises would never been a big company. He uses technology and the resources he has at his disposal to finance his personal quest to take down the criminals the law can't handle.
Martial Arts, Acrobatics, Driving, Flying, Analysis, Weapons, Tactics, Surveillence, Stealh
Batman is badass. He may not have super powers, but he is cunning.
Bastard keeps Kryptonite in his belt just in case Superman gets Uppity.
Take your biased reviews and get the fictional facts straight
-Turtle
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-02-11 11:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Spawn
Probably the most badass of all superheroes. Can turn into anything. Likes to use really big guns. Has this most bad-ass super hero costume of all. Yep, Spawn ownz!
Submitted by Batman at 2004-02-11 11:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh yeah batman would wup spiderman that wuss's powers wont mean anything with all the skill Batman has.
Submitted by Batman at 2004-02-11 11:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
well........so far the comics have potrayed 3 encounters where batman and superman fought...batman won all of them oh well...idiot
Example one: Return of the Darknight. Superman gets shot with kryptonite that batman actually syntesized instead of all those loser supervillians who gotta find it. then he sent all the electricity of Gotham through his body. Proceded to kick the shit out of the man of steel.
Example two: Dark night strikes again: Superman flies into the batcave, Batman drops the cave on him orders the atom to fly in supes ear throwing of his eqilibrium and has flash put mines all over him and finally bats designed these bad ass gloves to knock the shit out of him.
Example three: Superman: red son: Batman designed a sunlamp that would exude red sunlight which makes supes powers useless then kicked the shit out of him.
not bad for a mere mortal.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-02-11 10:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Guile
User id: 5796
Registered on or around: 2004-02-05 10:15:07
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And I post pointless topics.
You're a pointless user.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-11 10:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you, dude. Next you're going to tell us that Punisher sucks too. I like Batman because he doesn't have super powers and still manages to kick some major ass. Robin's a fag, though.
Submitted by Guile (user info) at 2004-02-11 10:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Very pointless topic.
Go fuck yourself. . .
Batman kicks ass bitch, he he could whoop yours and your moms.
Submitted by Swik (user info) at 2004-02-11 10:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, though Batman and Dare Devil are probably my Favorite super heros. Batman is just a bad ass, what makes him cool is he has no super powers and he gets in the ring and kicks ass against those who do. He outwits people and isn't a pansy boy scout like Superman who can try and save the bad guys because he pretty much can't fucking die. No, Batman is mortal and can die just as easily as you or me, so he doesn't dick around, you cross him and that's your ass. Batman can take on Superman because he is smart and keeps Kryptonite with him at all times.
Also if anyone has actually seen the cartoon, Teen Titans, I don't really watch it but it comes on before adult swim and some of the scenes with Robin are sweet. It's shows how super heros without powers should fight, even without powers when he fought EVERYONE else on his team at the same time he kicked their asses, he's like Yoda from SW:AotC but can speak English worth a damn.
I guess I just pull for the underdog, the one with the greatest disadvantage but can turn others advantages into a weakness...I guess Batman is the hero for the underdogs...
Damn that was too touchy feely shit...I say fuck superman, superman sucks, batman saw superman on the streets one day and kicked his ass, just to put the bitch in his place. Plus, Batman is almost like a ninja.
Submitted by athena (user info) at 2004-02-11 09:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My Favorite super hero/villan is
Mystic she is in it for herself
and can kickass with the best of them
also she can change into anyone or anything
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-02-11 08:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Originally my response was gonna be "your mom sucks too but you dont hear me complaining" and then I actually stopped to read your post.
Youre goddamned right Batman sucks. Ive been saying this for years. The only cool thing he got going is that batmobile. But if I had billions of dollars I could have one too.
Wolverine kicks all ass in comic books. Halos Master Chief kicks everyone elses ass.
Submitted by jordanna (user info) at 2004-02-11 08:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaa. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuunny.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-02-11 07:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are a wealth of shit superheros. Here are some more.
The Submariner.
Special abilities:Good at swimming. Can talk to fish.
Supervillains reaction: "help help he's swimming at me! Oh no, Im being savaged by a turbot"
Conclusion:Shite.
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Mr Fantastic
Special Abilities:Stretchy body
Supervillains reaction:"What the hell are you doing?"
Sue Richards Reaction:"MY GOD! ITS HUGE!"
Conclusion:Shite against villains, excellent whilst dating.
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Ghostrider
Special Abilities:Owns a motorbike
Supervillains reaction:" i own a tank, fucknuts!"
Conclusion:Shite superhero, good Rollins band song.
Submitted by rickscales (user info) at 2004-02-11 07:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I personally found it very funny :)
Submitted by seansdementia (user info) at 2004-02-11 06:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
pointless worthless waste of space