Jean Satee (738 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.43 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <wonket12.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-12 17:10:15 EST
I love my mother, I really do, but sometimes she just makes me embarrassed to be of the same species as her. I'm sorry but it's true. She really has about as much sense as George Dubya...on crack. For example, several years ago I had the pleasure (ha, right) of seeing The Diary of Anne Frank the play with my mother. Now honestly, everyone knows how that ends. Yea we all know that Anne Frank gets caught and eventually dies, tragic, very sad, whatever. The point is that everyone knows. Well somehow that doesn't apply to my mother. In addition she somehow believes she has the ability to change the course of history, or at least the course of the play. With about 5 minutes left in the play there's a knocking on the door on stage. Everyone in the theater know this is the Germans cause they all know the play is ending right? Wrong. My mother looks at me in bewilderment. "I wonder who it is," she asks inquisitively. I roll my eyes but keep my mouth shut because I have some decency not to bash my mother in the middle of a play surrounded by other people. So then the door busts open the Germans come in and everyone on stage starts flipping out. The audience is dead silent....except for my mother. "NOOO, NOT ANNE. SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO DIE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!" she cries out. I kid you not, you could actually heard the turning of the heads and feel the burning glare of the entire fucking audience of several hundred people starring at my mother. The girl sitting next to me turned to me and asked, "Do you know her?"
"Of course not," I responded, "Never seen her in my life before." At the end of the show I just quickly walked out of the theater, ignoring my mother, who always needs about three days of discussion to fully understand any show, and walked at least a block before stopping to wait for her.
Now you're probably thinking my mother is a full-fledged retard, complete with drooling and uncontrollable bodily functions. While I would like to believe this, my mother is a perfectly sane, intelligent person. She just acts kind of stupid sometimes. In any case I had always believed that this Anne Frank stunt was by far the stupidest thing she had done, or would ever do. But just last night she really outdid herself, and proved once again that she before she ever says anything she needs to stop and ask herself the following questions:
1. Does this make sense?
2. Did I actually think about it for more than 1/2 a second?
3. Does anybody around me want to hear this?
4. Will they think I'm stupid?
5. Am I better off just shutting up?
and finally
6. Will they want to hit me after I say this to knock some fucking common sense into me?
So back to the story. I'm sitting at the table the other day eating dinner and my mom turns to me and says, "Hey I just got my credit card bill and there's something for $50 and I'm not sure what is. Do you know what it is?"
"No," I respond, because I didn't know and I didn't care.
"Well it's from Jean (pronounced like Jean Claude Van Dam) Satee (Sah-tee)," she said.
"Jean Satee? I've never heard of it," I said.
"Yeah I figure it's some department store, I just don't remember buying anything for $50 at Jean Satee."
I started thinking and realized I had never, ever heard of a department store called Jean Satee.
"How do you spell it?" I asked her. This would be the last time I would ever look at my mother with even a miniscule amount of respect.
"J-A-N S-A-T-I-I," she said slowly.
I paused, shocked for a moment, "You stupid woman. That's the January SAT II that I took. NOT JEAN SATEE."
"Ooooooh. Well that makes so much more sense," she cried.
"OF COURSE IT DOES. WHAT THE FUCK IS JEAN SATEE? YOU JUST MADE THAT UP! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" I yelled, "JEAN IS SPELLED WITH AN 'E' ANYWAYS, NOT J-A-N."
"Well I considered that, but I thought maybe it was a Dutch store. You know, Yan Satee," she tried to explain.
"No I don't know, and that is stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life," I said, holding my head in my hands. I didn't think it was possible, but she had actually outdone herself. This coming from the woman who ACTUALLY believes she has ESP and can, swear to god, will people to call her on our phone (swear to god she sits at the table every dinner waiting for the phone to ring so she can "predict" who it's gonna be. Of course she's wrong 99 out of 100 times but that one time confirms her suspicions that she truly does have psychic powers). I have actually pinpointed this event as the exact moment I lost all respect for my mother. She's not stupid, I know that, I feel like somewhere inside her there is a rational person trying to get out, but it's just not trying nearly hard enough. Sometimes I just don't believe she thinks before she says things. And while I'd like to believe that this is the last stupid thing she'll ever say, that's about as likely as Osama Bin Laden coming to the United States and pissing on the White House Lawn and then turning himself in. Glass half full though, she provides me with invaluable conversation material, and she's my mother, what can I do but accept her for the constant source of entertainment she is?
User Reviews
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-20 01:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-14 18:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! That was fantastic! More please!
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-13 06:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, really, I shop there at least once a year!
Submitted by MYKE <whoa> at 2004-02-13 04:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny as hell. I feel for you - got a similiar situation myself.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-02-13 02:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds kinda like my dad. Alot of my friends think that my dad ate alot of paint chips when he was younger, and I concur.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-02-12 22:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-02-12 20:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid people are funny as hell. If she was my mom I would take in her out in public alot just to have fun.
-Turtle
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-02-12 19:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe nobody has rated this yet.
Love her or hate her, she's still your mother. She DOES sound silly, though...