The Rudekins Diet (707 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rude (View user info) at 2004-02-13 02:09:08 EST
Scientists have been working round the clock in my secret lab, kidnapped frm all over the world to adress the most pressing issues in the scientific world. Teams are currently working on all of lifes greatest questions like: Why don't people have fur? Why is everything good in this world bad for your health and of course one of the greatest questions man has pondered lately, What DOESN'T cause cancer? ( Turns out scientific studies cause cancer so don't worry about UV rays or Bottled water or your precious fries.)
What my teams have recently been focusing on is of course the diet fads, The Zone, Atkins, Weight Watchers, et infinitum...
They have develloped a new diet, a diet so revolutionary, so incomprehensibly simple that even the greatest minds are brooding over why they didn't think of it first. This diet is called The Ultimate Diet!!!
The Ultimate diet has one simple step, just follow these simple instructions.
STOP EATING SO MUCH YOU FAT FUCK!
Some people dont like this approach so my teams also developped a planned diet for those who don't like simplicity. Its called the Rudekins diet. There are no meal books, no sliders and no restrictions on what you eat. Just follow this simple meal plan.
1.BREAKFAST: Every morning drink 2 to 4 cups of colombian coffee, if it's been a hard week because people have been making fun of your rolls feel free to irish it up a little.
2. If your work has many vending machines ask if you can be relocated to as close a proximity to them as possible. Too much movement at any given time can have adverse effects on the diet. Eat anything you can, make sure it is high in carbs and has more than 2.3 grams of fat per serving or is dipped in or filled with chocolate or preferably both.
3. LUNCH: If they are available make sure to consume alot of cola and nachos at lunch, 7-11 nachos are best especially with their artificial nacho cheez ( the polymers in nacho cheez bond nicely to caffeine molecules, if you feel sick at all that just means its working.)(see fig. 1) Try to remain stationary after eating these wonderful innovative foods cooked up in edible petrolium labs. The mixture of chemicals in your system is volatile, too much movement may cause problems.
4. Before heading home stop off at your nearest conveinence store. See if you can get a running tab there, they will be seeing you often. Buy chips, chocolate bars and colas. Diet colas are best, the aspritame is good for you don't believe what anyone tells you to the contrary.
5. DINNER: eat a well balanced meal of either order in pizza or chinese or any microwaveable goods. When microwaving make sure not to remove plastic wrapping, any CFC's released into the food only expidates the rate of weight loss.
6. Eat lots of bread. Carbs are good remember. And beer, drink alot of beer. The Bread will act as a sponge so you can drink more and get less drunk.
7. Get less than 6 hours of sleep. 8 hours or more is bad for you, it'll only make you fatter.
Thats it, simple isn't it! Follow the plan (or don't, Whatever, Just by reading this you will lose weight.) Soon the pounds will be melting away. People will envy you, you'll fit in with all those immigrants from ethiopia, Women will fall at your feet, or men depending on your sex and sexual preference. Just remember what you owe it all to! RUDEKINS
(fig. 1)
ÿØÿà
