Crisis at 00,001 Feet (1112 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.8 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Junior (View user info) at 2004-02-17 14:54:09 EST
The following is a true account of the events that occurred on February 16, 2004 between 3:50 pm and 4:15 pm. All of what you are about to read is true. The sheer terror of the story below may shock you and is not advised for small children, people with weak heart conditions, weak bladders/bowels, or stupid people. I am not responsible for any article of clothing or item of furniture that is soiled while reading this story. Thank you.
0330 HOURS
I had now been awake for about three hours and I had been about as productive as a midget in a slam-dunk contest, so when my parents asked me to help them move a couch out of our apartment to bring to a thrift shop, I was tempted to say I was too busy, but then realized I could use the exercise. So I said yes, but I told them it had better take less than half an hour because I had bigger and better plans. This was partially true since I did want to take a piss and watch some TV. Little did I know that saying yes would be the biggest mistake I would ever make.
0335 HOURS
As my dad and I were hauling ass bringing this huge couch down the block I saw my mom walk up alongside us carrying a cardboard box. "Are you kidding me?" I asked.
"What?" She replied.
"Forget it," I said. It was useless. We continued on to the store, finally dropping off the first piece of the couch and heading back to get the rest of it. As we stepped into the elevator I had a funny feeling something was about to go awfully wrong. My dad inserted the key into the elevator (yes my elevator has a key because I live in a minimum security prison) and pressed our floor. The door shut. Nothing happened. My dad pressed the button again. Still nothing happened. Shit, we were stuck in the elevator. Fuck. My dad started banging on the elevator door to try and get the elevator to start moving.
Immediately my mom started to panic. "Oh god we're all gonna die. Oh god. CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING. OOH GOOOD! WHY??!"
"Get a hold of yourself woman!" I yelled resisting the urge to smack her across the face. She was losing it, we didn't have much time. It was now a race against the clock. We needed a decision.
"We need to override the system," my dad exclaimed. I thought he'd need some moral support so I started singing the Mission Impossible theme song really loud.
"Shut up boy!" he snapped at me. It was too late, I was too far into the song to stop.
0355 HOURS
Exhausted and panting my dad collapsed and gave up on his daring escape plan. He couldn't get the latch open. We would have to prepare to dig in for the night.
"I say we set up camp. It'll be nightfall soon," I explained.
"What the hell are you talking about? We're in an elevator," my dad replied. My mother was sitting huddled in the corner.
"Mother fetch me two sticks, I'm going to make a fire," I ordered having flashbacks to the movie "Castaway."
"Will you shut up," my dad cried out. Clearly he had lost it too. I was the only rational one left, and I had no idea how long that would last.
0400 HOURS
My dad noticed the emergency intercom button. He pressed it and it started dialing. Soon help would be on the way.
"Hello?" A voice over the intercom said.
"Yes, hello my family is trapped in the elevator," my dad said.
"I'm sorry sir can you repeat that?" the voice replied.
"Yes, my family is trapped in the elevator. We're on the first floor." My dad explained again.
"HELP!! OH GOOD HELP!!" My mother cried out springing into action and running to the intercom.
"Quiet woman!" My dad said shoving my mother back into the corner
"Sir, I can't quite make out what you're saying. You need to speak up." The voice said again
"WE'RE TRAPPED IN THE ELEVATOR SEND HELP," My dad yelled.
"Sir? Are you still there? We can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong."
"WE'RE STUCK IN THE GODDAMN ELEVATOR. IT'S VERY SIMPLE. WHAT ARE YOU HELEN KELLER? COME ON LADY, WE'RE STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR ON THE FIRST FUCKING FLOOR." My dad was getting impatient.
"Sir can you elaborate on the problem?"
"ELABORATE? ELABORATE?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"
"Sir, calm down. I'm only trying to help." *click* She hung up.
0410 HOURS.
My mother was almost gone. She had curled herself up in fetal position. I started staring at her. She was looking tastier and tastier. All of a sudden my sweet little mother was transformed into a delicious juicy steak.
"Dad, I think we should kill her and eat her. Come on big guy, I'm getting hungry. Who knows when help will be here?" I said quietly with a smirk on my face. I wanted to measure his response and if he was cool with it, well you know proceed from there.
"Shut up," he responded. Hmm...well maybe I'd have to take him down first before I could get to the female. I'd have to create a makeshift weapon first. I took out my cell phone and tried to sharpen it on my wallet. Almost...almost...
Wham! The door slid open. Two 30 year old looking Italian guys stepped in. Light flooded the already lit elevator.
"Hisssss, it burns! It burns," I cried.
"Get the hell out and stop being an idiot," My dad barked at me.
"We're from the elevator company. Excuse me could you step out so we can repair it," one of the Italian men said. It was over.
After 25 grueling minutes of sheer torture we were free. We had all made it out alive. My mother was lucky the elevator people had arrived when they had, because I was just about to get butt naked, create an improvised loin clothe and go medieval on her ass with my cell phone weapon. I still had my natural instincts. Now I know what it was like to be in a POW camp in Vietnam. Walking freely in my lobby I had a new sense of vitality. I was invincible. If I could survive 25 minutes in an elevator with my family, I could survive anything!
User Reviews
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-02-18 03:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. +2 for you, sir! Bravo!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-02-18 03:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, I love it!
"Hisssss, it burns, it burns!"
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-02-18 03:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wags <wagnera.at.kayellvic.com.au> at 2004-02-17 20:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"We need to override the system," my dad exclaimed. I thought he'd need some moral support so I started singing the Mission Impossible theme song really loud.
"Shut up boy!" he snapped at me. It was too late, I was too far into the song to stop.
-"fantastic, an enthralling read from start to finish" - the times
if it had more than one page the times would have said it was a real page burner.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2004-02-17 20:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
olsen2003.at.earthlink.net <-- send them hate mail
Submitted by bonnyMcjob (user info) at 2004-02-17 20:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so real and yet random
my mother owuld have been bitching to all hell, thats why i generally try to avoid any contact with her being more then 30 seconds
Submitted by Wickedriser (user info) at 2004-02-17 20:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh jesus.
i cant breathe.
-dan
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-02-17 20:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My mother was lucky the elevator people had arrived when they had, because I was just about to get butt naked, create an improvised loin clothe and go medieval on her ass with my cell phone weapon."
*cough*
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2004-02-17 18:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
0355 local or zulu?
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-02-17 16:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that is some funny shit!
Submitted by kidsensation (user info) at 2004-02-17 16:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you kidding me? This is funny? How hard up for humor do you have to be?
I hope you are in a minimum security prison.
I poopo on you with a big corn-filled -2!
Submitted by TkdMoose (user info) at 2004-02-17 16:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with all the people here. You are a pure genius. If you were a milkshake, I would drink you.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-17 16:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great family.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn. Keep posting shit like this, and you'll be on my favorites list in no time.
The only thing, the time should have been 1530 - 1615 hours. Thats pm, the other was am.
Otherwise...pure gold.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a second, how do you spell dysfunctional ...
:)
Submitted by ALINA (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great..I laughed my ass off. I would have shanked her in the jug with my cell phone, lucky for her help arrived!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I took out my cell phone and tried to sharpen it on my wallet. Almost...almost..."
BAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would nickname that elevator 'Darryl Strawberry'. Low and full of crack.
Submitted by MagnificentRyan (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit. I laughed.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mentally added in the beeping clock from 24.
Submitted by WishOfHope (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed my ass off!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by InFlames6 (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice..
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff......
but couldn't you have used your cell phone weapon to call for help? Or a pizza?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-02-17 15:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, I really really liked it.....
U R NOT SOFA KING WE TODD IT
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-02-17 14:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me crack up.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-17 14:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than all of my posts put together.
-Sidey
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-17 14:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very, very, very nice.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-02-17 14:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pure fucking awesomeness.