chowder the bear's holiday (345 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -0.71 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tardbacon (View user info) at 2004-02-17 16:25:50 EST
by me
chapter 1 - one man's shit
chowder awoke to a lovely sunny day in the land of utter dispair. he rubbed the mud from his eyes and surveyed the ravine around him. birds chittered and yapped in the rubble of a smouldering bubble factory nearby and several fish were peacefully lying dead on the banks of the rust colored stream that flowed lazily along. chowder liked mornings, but since it was well past afternoon he figured he should maybe find something for his headache that trobbed oh so strongly. he gathered his broken comb and took to his feet, "off i go... shit!". as he strode towards the lane he had not noticed the rusty nail protruding from a plank of wood stuck in the mud of the path on the ground in his way near the stream. then, a bunch of shit exploded and he died. "he" being sammy the retarded explosive sniffing sloth who nevr quite got the whole sniffing/eating thing sorted out. what a retard. but enough about sammy, back to chowder. well, it seems the nail punture smarted something mean and the only source of respite from agony he could think of was in the form of his long lost uncle who often shat blood across the stream beyond the where it ceased being merely uninhabitable and became downright crap. his dear uncle knobby had spent a few minutes in the war and came back a man. a man with three testicles. but enough about testicles. testicles? yes, testicles. chowder hoisted his fluffy body out of the mud and scanned the grime for some sort of paper or plastic in which to wrap his bleeding leg end. under a pile of fly covered cabbage he found a used adhesive bandage and applied it to the undercarriage of his foot. then, as if a bat had ejaculated, the dance party started! good thing that has nothing to do with what chowder did next, which was to scratch his head and try to remember the way across the stream. there was a vague memory of some sort of stream crossing device bouncing around in his brain, but his brain being a collection of fuzz it wasn't so much bouncing at it was rubbing against fuzz, so it was really rubbing against fuzz in his brain. he recalled something about a crippled baboon and a gay chinaman sticking croutons up a whale's rear blowhole but nothing about a stream crossing device. chowder limped forward towards the lower row of flowing and blowing crow crap, which is what he liked to call a trail. the lower row of flowing and blowing crow crap weaved before him through the hills and dales and dells like a really stoned snake. he limped for hours. limp, limp, limp. guess what happened next... nothing. he kept on limping. just at the point when he became very tired of limping he looked up to see farmer freebacon standing closeby and nearby in a field. a field of shit. the locals call it manure but for the purpose of realism we'll call it shit. it seems ol' freebacon was a tad distrought over the seasons bounty or lack there of. simply not a single pork cabbage had sprouted and even the cocaine was running out. chowder limped across the field of shit and spoke. "hey shitwipe, look who's the loser now!" and kicked said sad freebacon squarely in the back of the head. hidden in freebacon's undershirt was stowed a gun which he withdrew and aimed at chowder. "i thought i knew you..." he didn't, but he thought he did. "i suppose i don't" he remarked. chowder then killed him with an ax to the aorta. he rifled through freebacon's pants and found a coupon for manure. chowder pocketed this and once again, limped off on his journey. a journey of exploration and sexploration. mostly just exploration.
next time: chapter 2 - steamy hot penetrating soup
User Reviews
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-02-18 06:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
yea...paragraphs...didnt bother to read the big square chunk o' text.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-02-17 18:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I won't read it in this format.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-17 17:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Only -1 because so much paragraph, so little paragraphs.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-02-17 17:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't handle this much stream of consciousness.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-17 17:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creative!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-17 16:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I seriously cannot read this. I have eyestrain as it is from staring at this damn screen all day and work and then screwing around with my laptop at home.
White space, I need white space.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-02-17 16:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the carriage return is your friend.