Boyfriends Make Good Pets (2564 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.56 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-18 15:44:20 EST
Dogs are playful and cute, but a little dumb; they keep the neighbors up if they bark and they dig holes in the yard if they're puppies.
Cats are independent which makes them a bad candidate for cuddling. They only approach you when they want something, like food.
Fish and reptiles are boring.
Birds can be loud and messy.
Rabbits smell bad.
If you want a good pet, perhaps you should mull over getting yourself a Boyfriend. Why do Boyfriends make good pets? Well, there're a couple factors you should take into consideration when you've found a Cute Boy and think you might like to take him home...
• They're already potty trained (hopefully). All you have to do upon taking your new Boyfriend home is point him in the general direction of the toilet. Some Boyfriends will leave the toilet seat up or, even worse, pee on the seat, but with a correct reward system and gentle training, any Boyfriend can be broken of this habit.
• They're capable of bathing themselves. Most Boyfriends need to be bathed every day, which will pose no problem to you as most are already equipped with Good Hygiene. If your Boyfriend is especially smelly or doesn't like to bathe every day, they are easily coaxed into the shower - they don't generally have the same hate for water as cats. To get an extra stinky Boyfriend in the shower, a good method is for you to get in the shower first and let him see how much fun you're having rubbing soap all over your naked body. He'll most likely be more than willing to join you.
• They can feed themselves. Not only that, but most Boyfriends are easily trained to cook for you as well. There are a few different methods in teaching a Boyfriend how to cook for you. One that works for most is by repeatedly saying that he doesn't do enough romantic things for you. Another method, although not as effective, is to lead by example - show him that even though he is capable of feeding himself, you don't mind feeding him.
• They're very good at fetch when properly cared for. When you give your Boyfriend the few things he needs - Sex, Beer, and Guy Time - he can more easily be trained to fetch things for you. If you're in bed and would like a glass of water, your Boyfriend can get it for you.
• They can be easily won over. If you need a date for your friend's wedding or a chick flick or some other function that he seems dissuaded by, you can easily change his mind by having a few words with his main Decision Maker. All Boyfriends come equipped with a Decision Maker and all Decision Makers are very easily persuaded.
• If you're going out of town for a while, there's no need to hire a pet-sitter. Boyfriends can be easily amused with Sports and Porno, and as long as they have enough Food and Beer to last them the duration of your absence, they'll be fine.
• You don't have to take them for walks. Most Boyfriends will get exercise on their own through various sports or activities.
• They make very loyal friends. When you get to know your Boyfriend well enough, you'll find that he's also become one of your best friends. There'll be no need for secrets to be kept from each other, and if they're trained to be devoted solely to you, you may find that your Boyfriend can be more trustworthy than your other friends. Pending that there's no game on, they can be good listeners and great companions. Being male, Boyfriends are naturally bad at Backstabbing and will always tell you you're beautiful - after a long time with a Boyfriend he can be trained to say Exactly What You Want to Hear.
Still not sure you're ready for a Boyfriend? Take into consideration getting a Boy Toy. They require less work and quite a bit less dedication and you don't have to be limited to just one. For some girls a Boy Toy is much more fun to have around than a Boyfriend, however Boy Toys are not as easily trained and not so much loyal friends as a Boyfriend can be.....
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-12-19 17:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So funny yet so true!
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-08-12 15:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha!
Submitted by LadyCelestine (user info) at 2004-03-18 10:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-02-19 19:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-02-19 18:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're correct about everything, mistress.
Can I come out of my cage now?
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-02-19 15:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can pretty much apply this whole thing to girlfriends, except they're amazing at backstabbing, very rarely trustworthy and most of the ones I've had are dumb as hell.
I'm going to agree with Lisa and say that this was boring, but I'm probably just agreeing with her because she's hot.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-19 14:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Zod - I think the only guys who have been neutered live in Europe and sing in a choir.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-02-19 14:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Boring.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-02-19 14:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to mention the obvious:
Make sure you DON'T get a nudered Boyfriend. He will not be as much fun as you may think. Unless you're a fan of laying in bed all day and watching tv inbetween bouts of crying, let your boy keep his jewels. That is all.
Decision Maker...tingling!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nicole - You should check your local listings for boy shelters or boy pounds. From my experience, however, shelters are usually a lot cleaner than pounds, and they take better care of their boys.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where can I find a boy shelter? You know, the place they take lost or unwanted boys. I've been thinking about getting another pet.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's some things boys can do better than pets. Although I've heard lore about a stick of butter and a dog's tongue ... gross, gross thoughts.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:15:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wuv wu.
I don't think I've ever rated you anything under a +2. I don't think there's anyone else I can say that about.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, he missed the floor and got the shower doors.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...Haha, I'm proud of you, Ewika.
He still peed all over the floor didn't he?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sideburns - I gotta tell you 'cause you'll be so proud (as will all the other Uber guys). My boyfriend was sick last night so after I went to the bathroom, I put the toilet seat BACK UP for him.
Yeah, I know. I kick ass.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About the whole ''toilet seat'' issue...
Guys shouldn't be the only ones that have interaction with the toilet seat. When we go to piss, we have to lift it up AND put it back down? No no no. It's only fair that each individual have one interaction with the toilet seat with each bathroom trip.
Guy lifts it up, girl puts it back down.
Nice and simple. I rarely lift the toilet seat up, mainly because I have awesome aim.
-Sideburns
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-02-19 00:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I've got the 'in your backyard looking through the window' down...
No, to your right a little. Behind the bush. Yeah.
Submitted by wags (user info) at 2004-02-18 21:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey hair, noone else knows how much fun crotch sniffing can be on Chapel st... but i'm with ya.
Submitted by wags (user info) at 2004-02-18 21:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'll be your pet
shit i'll even try not to hump your leg....but i'm not making any promises
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-02-18 21:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny, because just today I was sniffing crotches all the way down Chapel Street...
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-02-18 21:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to read this twice, but for some reason, the overall tone of this post was incredibly sexy to me. I'm, even now, trying to discern what that says about me.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-02-18 20:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No analysis or comment.....
U R NOT SOFA KING WE TODD IT
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-18 20:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-02-18 19:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
kinda cute
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, that's a good one, Phinch! I can't believe I forgot that! Dammit...
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:48:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup. uh huh.
yup.
we also scare away prowlers.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow I was trained as a gfreat boyfriend... too bad my trainer skipped out... now I can do all kinds of tricks but no one to ppreciate them.
*sigh*
-Turtle
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mummbles - Holy crap! Poor you! My boyfriend showers every day and not only cooks for himself, but cooks for me as I'm quite an inexperienced cook. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places - there can't truly be that many Neandrathals (sp?) left in the world, can there?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Mummbles (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:29:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok obviously you have been the master of much more inteligent breeds then I have in the past.
For one thing Bathing themselves regulary is never common. At most it's once a week, twice upon special occasions. One trick I've learned is the "No Sex untill Shower" you are not rubbing your stink off on me buddy, I took the time to clean myself and don't feel like doing it again.
Of course to give them credit Boys do alot more to get stinky. Like dogs who just NEED to roll in a fresh pile of shit as soon as you bathed them.
Also, they cook for themselves?!? Not that I've ever seen honey. I once left on vacation and my live in B/F almost starved. Seriously he was crying w/ hunger and panic by the time we got back. I had taught him how to make grilled chesse in a waffle iron (the easiest thing I could think of) but he broke the waffle iron. poor boy, poor dumb boys
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am pet store shopping currently... It's very tiring.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lucid - A Boy Toy is a toy and a boy. If I meant it as a girl, I would've said a Boy's Toy.
PHX
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Girls are boy toys. Boys are girl toys.
Maybe you're getting into some lesbian thing and all the power to you, but lest you confuse some poor young girl who's home alone playing one person frisbee in utter lonliness while contemplating her next move for social redemption, I thought you might need to know the difference.
I aint nobody's pet. At least I keep telling myself that while pacing the kennel.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Girlfriends also make good cocksuckers, usually.
-BongZilla
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They are such simple creatures.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!)
I have never made one of those damn faces before. Don't feel stupid.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww, sowwy PukingDog. I didn't know that Volkl was pronounced as an "F" as opposed to a "V," so thank you. Err...now I feel kinda stupid for pronouncing it wrong all this time.
:-D
Phoenix
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddammit did you hear me?
Submitted by Da_WooD (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know about the beer.
If I have to chose, a good steak is higher on the priority list that beer. Funny though +2.
I also want to make it clear before someone makes the comment. Playing Video Games, Smoking Pot, or Masturbating all fall under the category "Guy Time." Not just watching the game.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JackHand - it's okay. We all have our moments.
quack - Maybe it should be YOU.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they make good pets for females.
someone should do the sequel to this for girlfriends.
just a thought.
Submitted by JackHand (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
PENIS!!!!
Thanks Pheonix... I'm a bigger moron than I thought...
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RB video games falls under guy time. come on.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you give your Boyfriend the few things he needs - Sex, Beer, and Guy Time -
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And video games.
Thats the four male food groups.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahahaha Hidden!! You funny.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wouldn't mind being a pet. i'm potty trained and have good hygiene and i loved to be pet all over my body. maybe that Lisa girl is looking for a pet. but i must warn you, i require spankings when i've been a naughty pet to teach me a lesson.
Submitted by jimmytheman (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Slavery is illegal.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JackHand - PENIS. Get it now?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by JackHand (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anjie?
I still don't get it...
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, I wish I was your pet too. Understanding of beer, sports, and porno? I'd cut off 1/3 of my decision maker for an owner like that...
Now, on a personal note. I was curious if your name had anything to do with Volkl, and I found your descriptive post yesterday. I must tell you, since it is pretty clever, that the "V" in Volkl is pronounced like an "F."
I figured you would want to know that...
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*** They're very good at fetch when properly cared for. When you give your Boyfriend the few things he needs - Sex, Beer, and Guy Time - he can more easily be trained to fetch things for you. If you're in bed and would like a glass of water, your Boyfriend can get it for you.***
this is the key to being a good girlfriend. those are the 3 key things a guy needs to be happy.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JackHand (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:55:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great...
What's a decision maker?
*****************
Per the "Jerk aka Steve Martin" = it's your special purpose
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:57:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
why am i giving this a +2?
--------------------
'Cause you looooovvveee me.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love my pet!!! Plus you can make promises to the decision maker and he will do what you want, as long as you follow thru most of the time. The rest of the time just complain of a headache..
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty good. Wait until Joanna sees this ...
Possible Bored at Work? Bart?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he he he
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why am i giving this a +2?
<shrug>
someone come coax my Decision Maker!!
Submitted by JackHand (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great...
What's a decision maker?
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be your pet in a second. just for the showering part.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm a pet huh?......
Well, there's definitely worse things to be. A prime example would be someone who's not getting any.
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
boy toys are not as much fun as you would think...they bring drama.
boyfriends are good when you're both committed as i'm sure they might consider us ladies good pets as well.
phoenix, you continue to amaze me.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-02-18 15:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Phoenix, I wish I was your pet.