What Does Fecal Matter? (755 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.91 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <kingmob> (View user info) at 2004-02-18 16:29:07 EST
OK everyone seems to have one and I at least waited for my second post to tell my poop story.
I'm in high school and my girlfriend and I are at a party at her friend's house. Her friend was a cross-eyed girl named Patty and had agreed to let us spend the night. Naturally, all we planned to do was screw all night, but about half way through the marathon, I felt the old familiar country boy rumbling in my bowels.
I make my way through a pack of drunken teens and finally find the bathroom. Someone was passed out on the floor so I quickly picked them up and pitched their slobbery ass into the hallway. I get to sculpting my masterpiece and dropped something that resembled an Olympic-sized shot-put. I swear I heard it "tink" when it hit the porcelain. This monstrosity reminded me of the Dominoes Dots commercial where the giant ball is chasing the kid down the street. The splash was so big, I had to towel my back off as I stood and pulled my pants up. I turn around to flush and gasped as I saw the object I had just passed.
"What the devil have I been eating? Uranium?" I can remember thinking how crazy it was that a third of it was still dry. That's how big this beast was.
Flush.
Fear rises in me and I feel my face grow horribly hot as I watch the water slowly rise. Visions of water spilling out everywhere in Patty's bathroom flash before me. The water keeps rising. Oh God...they're all going to laugh at me! All I want to do is get back to balling my girlfriend and now I have a vicious poop catastrophe on my hands. The water is almost over the lip of the toilet rim. Time to think fast. I needed something to bail ship with. I grab the only thing I can get my hands on, which just so happened to be Patty's toothbrush cup. I furiously bail water from the toilet to the sink, not thinking of the bacterial ramifications. I can hear party guests banging on the door outside and I'm freaking out, moving water faster than firemen in the old days or a fevered pirate in a faulty rowboat. I must end this poo nightmare.
Once the water level was back down to a reasonable level, I realize I still have the predicament that this mammoth mound isn't going anywhere. I find Patty and quietly ask to borrow her plunger because I couldn't find one anywhere in the bathroom. Evidentially, Patty and her family don't consume much fiber because they didn't have a plunger! Yes, that's right! NO PLUNGER! Who the fuck doesn't have a plunger in this day and age?! It is such a simple, yet necessary device!
"My God, you cross-eyed moron! Get me something! A broomstick! A wooden spoon! Anything! This thing MUST DIE!"
I end up whacking it to smaller bits with a bent up coat hanger. By this point, the whole party has been informed of my fecal adventures and I soon became known as "The Poo Slayer" in certain circles of friends. Patty thought it was the funniest thing ever to go and blab to the party and have them all laughing at my expense.
The joke was on her however each and every time she rinsed her mouth out with that damned toothbrush cup.
User Reviews
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like the title.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-02-18 22:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too suffer from Atlas-Shit Syndrome (ASS). I've clogged the toilet on MANY occasions with my mammoth mounds of manliness. One time I clogged the john with diarrhea. I don't know how it's possible, but I did it.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-02-18 22:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA... POO!!
Great post.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-02-18 20:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny and mildly revolting
nice title too
Submitted by Wonket (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah nice post
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-18 18:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the whole party has been informed of my fecal adventures and I soon became known as "The Poo Slayer" in certain circles of friends
that line was just about the funniest thing i've read all day
congrats
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the devil have I been eating? Uranium?" I can remember thinking how crazy it was that a third of it was still dry. That's how big this beast was.
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Good God, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that... Awsome post!
+2 for an awsome poo post!
4152 wishes you a good day.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing I've read in a long time.
Submitted by B2D (user info) at 2004-02-18 17:01:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell.
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i've seen something very much like this before.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
for others that enjoy the poo-poo:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/15219
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-18 16:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny title, funny post. good work.