Your Horoscope. A.K.A Your Zone-O-Scope (snicker, snicker. guffaw, guffaw.) (964 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Will Zone <dianoga101.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-19 11:04:04 EST
You never implied you wanted it, but here it is anyway. Your official Thursday Zone-o-Scope!
Warning: Will Zone is not responsible for any misfortune, he is merely the vessel through which God and all of His pothead friends speak. Do not shoot the messenger, just denounce your faith in God! Zone-o-Scope side effects may include irritable bowels, fecal incontinence, elephantitus of the genitals, Stockholm syndrome, coughing, sniffling, sneezing, jaundice, eye cancer, mental retardation, Gigli appreciation, heroin withdrawal, AIDS/HIV, born again Christianity, SSTS (sudden Siamese twin syndrome), the shining, anal leakage, Demenstipation (which is dementia and constipation at the same time) and of course, uncontrollable fits of laughter (this effect rarely seen).
So without further adieu, I present to you, your Zone-O-scope!
Boo-ya-kah-sha!
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will feel good about yourself if you make a contribution to help an organization you believe in. The Ku Klux Klan is always looking for racists like yourself. Also NAMBLA and weight watchers could use more fat pedophiles. Or better yet, why don't you go to rehab...your mom and I wanted to have an intervention with you, but she insisted that we just continue having wild monkey sex on the back porch instead. Your mom might be old, but she is quite the whipper-snapper in the sack. Speaking of sack, Men be sure to shave the ol' ostrich skin...cause you have crabs.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You'll have to be careful when discussing personal matters...as the walls have ears...knowwhatimean Jack! Oh, you don't? Well, no matter. I spent 39 months in a Vietnamese rat trap where all we had to eat and drink was leather and piss. I know the meaning of locked down brother. Lets see you try to hold down a job at a "5 and Dime" after you watched your buddy get gunned down by Charlie after the Battle of Soot-Dum Temple. This is the way the fucking world ends. Look at this fucking shit we're in man. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. And with a whimper, I'm fucking splitting, Jack.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Travel for business or pleasure will lead to interesting conversations with strangers. And hopefully one of those strangers will turn out to be a dermatologist. And hopefully Dr. Zizmor will be able to clear up some of that acne with his new fandangled laser machine. Do not fear technology, embrace it...then with a little luck someone, one day, might have the courage to see past the scars and embrace you. Next time, after eating potato chips be sure to use a napkin not your ugly mug.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Whoops, looks like you have cancer. Too late for you, Next!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You and your partner can come up with a great idea that will be advantageous for both of you. Bury the body. Listen, lets get serious here...how long has it been in the back of the laundry room? You must smell it by now, right? Listen we all pick up prostitutes, don't be ashamed...and yes, we all kill them...but we also all hide and bury the bodies. I can't stress that enough. We also save their fingers, teeth and ears and make whore jewelry, or whorelewry, which we wear very late at night when we're feeling frisky and craving sluts blood.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The focus is on work and money today, so don't waste time on futile pursuits. Not that you have much to worry about anyway, being perfect and all. Use this time to bask in the knowledge that the simple fact that your parents fucked around New Years is the reason you are so fucking money. Virgo's are the smartest and sexiest human beings on the planet and its not by accident...its all part of a plan. Virgo's check your mailbox, the New World Order is rapidly approaching and it is you who will repopulate the world. God bless you and god speed.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A new personal look will pay off in the way others respond to you. Your lifelong dream of becoming a professional wrestler on the WWE is within reach. Keep working those deltoids, cause no one likes a wrestling hero to have shoddy deltoids. The fact that you don't know where your deltoids are is further proof that you are smart enough for the pro wrestling circuit. Also, now is the time to work on catch phrases Try this phrase on for size "You're going downtown brother...down to Chinatown!" or the elementary "Smooth Move, Ex-Lax."
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You should be the one asking for favors and not the one always doing for everyone else. Also, be mindful of your venomous tail. It's a bitch when your friends get repeatedly stung in the face every time you get a couple vodka and red bulls in you. Mind the tail. What? Wait a sec? huh? Oh, Scorpio doesn't mean your a scorpion? Ok, then disregard what I just said and just rock me like a hurricane.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The chances are good that you will do well in the romance department, so make your plans to enjoy something special with the one you love. A belated Valentine gift might be the answer to the cold shoulder you've been receiving. (by the way, you get a real horoscope cause you and your kind have no sense of humor whatsoever.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Money will have a wonderful idea regarding how you can make your investments grow or how you can turn your job around. Start your own business on the side and discover how resourceful you can be. Be mindful that being a drug runner or cock fighting referee while illegal, is a great way to not only meet people of the opposite sex, but its also a great way to do something illegal. Make sure you double up the condoms when swallowing heroin, as you don't want it to break...cause then you'll be high and pregnant.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When the moon is in the Seventh House And Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. The Age of Aquarius. Aquarius! Aquarius! Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in. Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Times are changing and you must prepare to do so as well. Your voice might drop an few octaves, your testicles might drop a few octaves too. You might start seeing some hair grow in new places on your body. Don't worry, this is normal...unless the hair is sprouting from your palms or tongue. If this is the case than immediately drive by your doctors office (steal a car if need be) and head straight for the Circus Freak show...then call my cell phone and I'll come by and throw witty barbs of insults and pennies at you.
Oh Uber, leave your wallet next to the crystal ball and have a nice day.
Will ( a Virgo )
User Reviews
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-07-30 10:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-03-05 09:52:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Virgo's are the smartest and sexiest human beings on the planet and its not by accident"
You've got that right Zone!!
********
SEPTEMBER 15th REPRESENT
(Despite what you guys may think i AM smart, my mommy told me so)
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-07-30 10:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-30 10:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
memories...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-05 09:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-03-05 09:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Virgo's are the smartest and sexiest human beings on the planet and its not by accident"
You've got that right Zone!!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-25 09:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whats your horoscope say?
Submitted by Thunderlips (user info) at 2004-02-23 11:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
To all my love slaves out there: Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, baby. The ultimate male versus...the ultimate meatball. Ha, ha, ha.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-20 09:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Then I responed to my hatepost:
Will Zone hates: ReallyBored
http://www.ubersite.com/m/26047
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-19 14:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, I got my very own hatepost...thanks reallybored.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25961
Submitted by Melany <melanycapello.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-02-19 13:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good indeed! The Virgo...master of the zodiac! :)
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh stop the apologizing. i'm not offended. i think it's sorta funny in a sick way.
no worries!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh shit lacy, are you really a cancer? sorry if i offended you with that.
Will
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, i meant to hit +2
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Whoops, looks like you have cancer. Too late for you, Next!
haha that's my sign. isn't that a coincidence??? BUT, my symbol is a 69 so I'm alright with it!
:-P
-Michelle
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Will, not really. I thought it was funny, but I wasn't inspired.
Submitted by will zone at 2004-02-19 12:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well tom,
Great minds think alike.
Were you also inspired by SteveO's Horror Scopes thread as well?
Will
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aries.
I would donate to NAMBLA but I'm not a Marlon Brando Look-Alike.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!
I was JUST ABOUT to post "Tomoscopes"! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
DIE DIE DIE!!!
But +2 cause it was still done well.
But I must stress the screaming part: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Didja get that?
Next time, don't post what I'm posting.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved Weird Al's horoscope song (me be Sagittarious)
"All of your friends are laughing behind your back...
KILL THEM!!!"
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You da man.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I love you Will! I knew the virgo horoscope would kick ass since you're my zodiac-kin.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Gigli appreciation"
Oh god, I almost didn't read the post for fear that side effect would develop;
that has to be the worst one.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The SSTS line got me....
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ditto: Virgos rule.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for Virgos
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well angie, its not. 10 of the 12 are aimed at both sexes...on like 2 of them it has a "man" overtone. and both of those just mention testicles. and besides...i'm a man, and i only understand "man" things. thanks a lot man.
Will
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why aren't any of these even partially tailored to women??? :(
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, my palms are getting hairy.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how did you know about that dead hooker?
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
snicker, snicker, gaffaw, gaffaw
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-19 11:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I've developed SSTS.