Shaquille O'Neal could bash you. (1679 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Enraged Baboon <w.at.baboon.us> (View user info) at 2004-02-19 11:59:03 EST
Shaquille O'neal is the strongest and most correct person in the world. God never invented anything that could come close to the sheer elegance of Shaq doing a slam dunk in your fucking face. Shaquille O'neal is known for many things, but most importantly he is known for busting yo ass up. Shaquille O'neal has beaten up every person on the face of the Earth, that is a statistical and well known fact. Another fun fact about Shaquille O'neal is that if you laid out 44 Shaquille O'neals head to toe, Shaquille O'neal could still bash them.
Now that we have those preliminaries out of the way we can get down to what really matters: how cool and strong Shaq is. I know a lot of people think it's cool to diss Shaq, and I guess I'm just lucky that these people are going to end up living in a caravan with a raging heroin addiction and a receding hairline. Possible cures for such addictions include remedial Shaq-Fu classes, and, in the more severe cases, radioactive Shaq therapy. Once Shaq walked past a burning building and a lady on the sidewalk said "Shaq my baby is stuck inside the house please help me," and Shaq did a slam dunk in her fucking face.
Shaq earns millions of dollars a year to beat people up and do slam dunks in their faces. He's so awesome that he's allowed to be a rap star even though he doesn't know how to rhyme. But if Shaq were a good rapper, it would suck. It's much better when Shaq sticks to his primary talents of slam dunking in your face, and then collects fringe rapper benefits like a pimped out superman car. That's the great thing about Shaq: he could buy Las Vegas and replace all the poker machines with robots that punch people in the face and no-one would care, because he's Shaq!
Shaq has sweet parties in five-star hotels that he pays for with suitcases full of cash. And he invites other cool people such as Dennis Rodman and strippers. People who diss Shaq are just jealous that they don't hang out with cool people like strippers and Dennis Rodman. Don't hate the player, hate yourself, because you're a fucking loser. Dennis Rodman is so cool that it is almost worth changing this article to be about him. But I figure that Shaq is the same as Dennis Rodman with the added advantage of being able to bash people faster, and he comes fully optioned with the deluxe edition of a slam dunk to the face.
Shaq is kind of like Mr T, except Shaq doesn't pity fools, he just slam dunks in their face. But Shaq's qualities don't end there, the guy is also a respected movie star. And when Shaq goes to the movies he does it in style. In 'Kazaam', Shaq plays a genie that raps and can fucking bash you. Some people give the movie Kazaam a bad rap, but that's just because Shaq could bash them. The truth is Kazaam is the best movie ever. The plot has something to do with some gay little kid getting beat up all the time, but the important thing about the movie is this that Shaq is in it. In this movie Shaq plays a genie with the power to do anything - including fly - so as you can see Shaq did not have to do any actual acting for this role.
Another awesome Shaq movie was Blue Chips. This movie had the secret advantage of Nick Nolte being in it. As you may have guessed, Nick Nolte is the coolest guy in the world and could easily drink the English channel if it was full of bourbon. In a refreshing new role, Shaq basically plays himself in this movie, and that's the great thing about Shaq: other actors are concerned with trivial things like 'character' and 'plot' whereas Shaq will just bash you. I guess Blue Chips has a lot in common with Kazaam in that the only good thing about the film was Shaq, and Nick Nolte.
Okay, Nick Nolte wasn't in Kazaam, but I wanted to bring it up again because it seriously sucks. The main character in Kazaam finds a boombox that contains the 5,000 year old Shaq-genie. How the hell does a 5,000-year-old genie live in a boombox? Keep in mind that boomboxes were invented in like 1980. I know this guy is Shaq, but not even Shaq can travel back in time and invent himself, or whatever the fuck Shaq had to do to solve that paradox. The only bad thing I will ever say about Shaq is that I am disappointed he didn't do a slam dunk in the face of this film's producer.
In conclusion, if Shaq had one hundred dollars he would spend it on bashing you. Shaq is that dedicated to busting shit up. Messing with Shaq is like a salmon masturbating in the face of an enraged grizzly bear - the situation is going to end violently. I personally place Shaq in the same calibre of people as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, and I am looking forward to any new career paths that Shaq may choose to undertake, such as 'newsreader' or 'scientist'.
User Reviews
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-11-27 21:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chuck Norris could still totally beat up Shaq. But Tina Fey could beat up Chuck Norris. So that means that I need to get wasted and a sandwich.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88572
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-05-31 00:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can see shaq jokes becoming the new chuck norris jokes, and i like it.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-05-31 00:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your style seems unoriginal, but that doesn't change the fact that this was well written and funny.
I almost didn't like it, because I hated Shaq after watching the movie Kazaam. I have much more respect for Michael Jordan in Space Jam, because he didn't come of as a retard.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-05-30 22:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mrdurden24 (user info) at 2006-05-30 21:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can you dig it?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-30 21:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn right he could. GO HEAT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!one!!111!!!
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-05-30 21:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In conclusion, if Shaq had one hundred dollars he would spend it on bashing you
hshahahahahahahahahahhahhaa
GOOD SHOW
GO PISTONS WOO!!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-30 14:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-08 23:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CAVS BITCHES.
LeBron is the TRUTH!!!
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss Shaq! Fuck You Miami! I'm stuck with the rapist and a barely .500 season
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-07 14:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-07 10:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate kobe.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-07 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so very awesome
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-02-21 00:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LAKERS, BITCH
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2004-02-21 00:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your face.
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2004-02-19 16:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't hate the player, hate yourself, because you're a fucking loser"
Shaq is funny, but T-Mac is whats up.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-02-19 15:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-19 15:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always like to run checks on google for well-written things. When I a site come up, I said to myself, "Aha! Gotcha!" Then I realized just how many penises were currently in my eye sockets and saw it was your site.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best. post. ever.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this isn't higher than 1.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-19 13:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"That's the great thing about Shaq: he could buy Las Vegas and replace all the poker machines with robots that punch people in the face and no-one would care, because he's Shaq!"
Fucking Awesome.
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no shit!
http://baboon.us/
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU PLAGIARIZED THIS FROM YOUR OWN WEBSITE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOORORORMOALALFLAA.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not worth reading. Shaq is ok, but basketball sucks, kinda like this post.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahah! My baby's in there and Shaq slam dunked in her fucking face! Masterful!
Don't post too often - you're going to blow all your great material! Make it last baby!
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Shaq my baby is stuck inside the house please help me," and Shaq did a slam dunk in her fucking face.
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Funny.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting a shit post but it was fucking funny and well written.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent. A little too Real Ultimate Power-ish.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:11:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Messing with Shaq is like a salmon masturbating in the face of an enraged grizzly bear - the situation is going to end violently."
+2 just for that. I almost pissed my pants.
Submitted by B2D (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just so you know, if you post a message before your old one gets off the front page, then your old message is taken down automatically. You're limiting the amount of people that will read your post if you post so close together and kick your posts off the front.