Hell's Kitchen (735 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Puking Dog (View user info) at 2004-02-19 12:09:49 EST
Frank got up to take a piss. The warm firelight faded as he stumbled into the brush, happy for the first time since they arrived in Kenya. They had been hiking around for a week now; it was getting old. Today, however, they had reached Hell's Kitchen, and it was different. Now he was pleasantly drunk. On Jack Daniel's no less. Yessir, fine day indeed.
There were gorges and all kinds of stone structures rising out of the ground, surrounded by steep walls and jungle throughout. After Malindi, this place was paradise. Until today, the hiking had been treacherous, and the bugs absolutely horrific. Giant beetles with spikes on their heads that would all of a sudden take flight and scare you half to death. Freakish is what it was. Cockroaches bigger than your dick.
"Hey Frank! Don't get eaten by a bat, man!" Copious laughter. Ha ha, he thought. "It's a jungle in there!" More drunken laughter. Tonight he didn't care. He had been wanting to go home almost since they arrived in Africa. What he really wanted to do was kill a fucking elephant, but it seemed like God was spiting him and his companions. Friends since high school, Frank, Will, and Huz had fantasized about an African hunt twenty years ago. Now they were old and fat, with dispassionate marriages and snotty kids. It was a miracle that the trip came together at all.
Ignorant of culture, unlike most hunters, they cared nothing for Africa. Despised it, in fact, since arriving here. But they were mere poachers, illegally using their money to buy what could not be bought. They made idiotic jokes about Africans in front of their guide. Tactless morons looking for a good time at anyone else's expense. But, they did have money, and that will get you anything in most parts of the world. Almost. Seven days and no elephants.
"Fuck you guys," he slurred. "I'm gonga hab myself an aventure!" He farted for emphasis, to the delight of his friends. Parting the brush at the edge of their campsite, he stepped in and took a few steps. He unzipped and started pissing, let out a long sigh, and the dense jungle wall replied to him immediately with a crackling rustle. He looked up and saw nothing. A bug bit his leg. He reached down and slapped it, pissing on the bottom of his shirt.
* * *
What the guide had told them that afternoon was long forgotten. Actually, the three Americans would have sworn he never said it. He had told them that they should break off the path they were on and make a ninety degree cut to the right and continue straight east for a few hundred meters. It made no sense to the party, however, because it came out as "We go here," along with a pointed finger. But the guide knew what he was thinking in his own mind. They insisted on the easy footpath ahead. The meek guide pointed out that he had seen some strange animals on the path, not normally found in the open, and that they were running from something, and it may not be safe. Of course, this was heard as "No animals here, veddy bad." After spider bites and scorpions for a week, they could use a break. The guide felt nervous, but he thought that if they camped on the canyon floor's sandstone surface, they would be alright.
Once camp was set up, and the fire had been burning for awhile, the guide spread a thick wall of ashes around the group, enclosing them in it. He didn't respond when asked what it was for, but the guide's helper told the men it was for bugs. "Ants," he said, "they do not climb over."
* * *
"Goddam it," Frank said. He felt the warm pee on his fat belly as he stood up. He was going to get it good from the guys. His pants fell from his grip, sliding around his ankles, and as his stream shortened he leaned forward to keep from pissing all over his pants. Almost falling over, he took a stumbling step forward and regained his balance. The crackling sound grew louder.
"What's the matter in there, Frank? You piss all over yourself?" Har har har. He tried to think of something clever to say. He bent over to pick up his pants. "You know it takes me awhile to put this monster away, and sometimes I drop it." "I can barely-" He looked at his shoes, uncomprehending. They were covered in something.
"What was that, Frank? Whadjew say?"
"Guys..."
Frank screamed, horribly, high pitched. Like a terrified kid.
"Holy shit!" His friends jumped up and started toward Frank. The guide reached out to grab the arm of one of them, and shook his head. The man jerked his arm away, disgusted, and hurried after his friends. He ran into the back of Will at the edge of the growth.
At the fire, the guide looked over at his helper.
Within a few feet of Frank, they stopped, uncomprehending. Frank was on his knees, clawing at his face, covered in ants. They were eating him alive, and he could feel his skin being taken from him in tiny pieces. His eyes were bright white, nearly full disks of light.
"Oh... my dear...lord..." This from Will, a murmur.
The guide appeared behind them. "We must go." The men stood and watched their friend in disbelief. One hesitant step towards Frank to help him, and stopping, sensing the danger deep down. "Frank..."
"We cannot help," the guide said. "De ants, dey are hunting. This bad place to be. We must go."
Frank writhed in pain, and the crackling sound was alive, louder than the fire. Millions of driver ants on their march, and Frank in their way. But not for long. As he fell onto his side, his mouth opened, ants pouring in and out. Blood trickled from his tongue, and his eyes slowly closed. His body relaxed, succumbing to shock.
But it would be hours before he was dead, almost dawn. By the next afternoon he would be a pile of bones, his friends miles away.
Seventeen million ants can eat a lot.
User Reviews
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-27 12:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heeeeeyyyyy - you didn't offend me. You just pissed me off with your "WTF!" rating somewhere. I am sorry. That was juvenile of me. I re-ranked your post. Honestly.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-26 23:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I realize with your -2 of my very short post about the Passion that I have offended you. Here is an überhug. From me to you.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-23 12:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That'll be fifty bucks, bubba.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-20 16:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dumb fuck. Go and see how many of your posts I've reviewed.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Ok Class, if PukingDog claims to hate me because I'm a suck ass crybaby, then why oh why does he feel the need to read all of my posts and rate them all negatively when he clearly knows I'm the worst kind of suck ass crybaby (those were his exact words, mind you) that will bitch right back at him?"
"Oooh OOOh I know why!" says the boy in the back with his hand raised.
"And why is that young man?" I ask.
"Because PukingDog is a jealous prick and an attention starved douchebag that would rather get negative attention then none at all. Oh and he cries himself to sleep at night because he's impotent" explains the student.
"That's correct young man. Class dismissed."
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-20 11:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All right Mac! That is funny - I get it - that's because I said you shouldn't say that to anyone anymore because you posted a dumb post 16 fucking times! But hey, that's cool, you don't like it. You know the funniest thing about you? You reveal your pitiful crybaby nature every time someone gives you a negative rating - every fucking time! If they don't like what you do, you tell them that they don't understand your sarcasm - brilliant! Could it be that all you post is this "hey check me out, I can talk like I'm black and make funny jokes about pimping, and if you don't like it then you are stupid!" - ?
Your Easy-E thing was mildly creative, I'll give you that. But you are the worst kind of suck ass crybaby - you gave me a bad rating, so I am going to give you one. Whatever. Grow the fuck up. This is your little social club, and you love the attention you get from your friends, and you can't fucking stand it when someone doesn't like your crap. You were so worried about your fucking rating going down, but you couldn't stop yourself from the fucking train wreck that ended up being the same goddamn post 16 times - you just couldn't cut your losses. Your image has been tainted - you have a lower rating now, what are you going to do? Tell Dlove to hurry up and give you some +2's to make up for it...
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-02-20 11:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
eh, waste of time.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-19 15:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All Right!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF! I'm not reading all that!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not bad, but this was better:
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the
opportunity came along.
Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different
people.
Homerpalooza
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks!
Submitted by KingFreakingKong (user info) at 2004-02-19 12:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Zzzzz