"It's Okay, You're My Son! I Can Discuss My Sex Life With You!" -or- Yet Another Reason My Family Is More Fucked Up Than Yours (3234 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.43 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-02-19 21:38:46 EST
I couldn't cut it out in the real world, mainly because the military declined me from service. I had nothing else to do but move back in with my mother. We're getting ready to move out from my stepfather's house because they don't get along. Unfortunately, I found out what the problem was this morning when I came out of my room and heard them yelling:
Mom- "That's all you want from me! You don't care about me!"
Stepfather- "I do care about you! I just have needs too!"
At this point, I walk out of my room and ask what the hell's going on. I'm met with this response, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't coming out of my mother's mouth..
"Dale just wants me to FUCK him!! That's all he wants!! My pussy! Here, Dale... you want my pussy? Huh? Take it you stupid pervert! Take it! You want me to FUCK you?!"
After I peeled myself from the ceiling and stopped vomiting, I sat the two down and tried to rationalize the situation without getting too personal between the two. Trying to get two stubborn, stupid rednecks to resolve their problems is like putting Justin Timberlake in a room full of women with loose tops and telling him to keep his hands to himself. It's just not going to happen. After I calmed them down and proceed to reason with them, I tried to have each one explain their side.
"Okay Dale, obviously my mom is upset with you because it seems like you're using her. She gets the idea that you don't respect her, what's your side?"
He puts his Budweiser on the table... "Well, it's not the sex. That is not the problem...."
Ok, good. He's not going to gross me out and put horrible images in my head.
"It's just that sex is okay, but every now and then, I want her to go down on me". He then picks up his beer and sips it like what he said was just okay.
I really don't know how to end this post, so here's a picture of a cat laughing.
==========
I'm going to be moving to Japan to pursue college in April or May, so I'll be posting until then. For now, I'm apparently moving to another house. The phone line won't be turned on until Wednesday, so I'll see you all then.
-Sideburns
![funny_cat[1].jpg (13 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1077244726542821087/1/funny_cat[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by Baka at 2004-07-27 12:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate when parents talk about sex, like when mum tells me she wants to sleep with my boy cousins, and then she preceeds to make me roll her a joint. The second part is always fun.
Submitted by socialdropout (user info) at 2004-04-10 05:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:52:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
The Pussy ain't laughing. It's yawning.
I'm glad my family is normal. Heck, in my mind, my parents don't even have sex.
my parents do. i know because they're in the room next to me.
have you ever heard two 50 yr olds get it on? fucking gross, man...
luv'd ya story though, sideburns.
Submitted by SonofLiberty (user info) at 2004-03-12 18:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it's barely worth reading
Submitted by AnnabelLee (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-02-20 09:51:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
fucked up
I come from a Catholic family. Sex doesn't exist except when it is taught by nuns. I never had "the talk" with my parents. My mother up and asked me one day "Do you want birth control?". I had never had sex before, but I guess she just wanted to be safe.
--
I thought Catholics didn't believe in bc?
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this post? Oh well.
It reminds me of that scene in 8mile where his mom complains about the step dad not going down on her. You should become a rapper.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-02-20 09:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucked up
I come from a Catholic family. Sex doesn't exist except when it is taught by nuns. I never had "the talk" with my parents. My mother up and asked me one day "Do you want birth control?". I had never had sex before, but I guess she just wanted to be safe.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-02-20 09:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PolPot (user info) at 2004-02-20 06:40:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, you stupid faggot, why have two titles for your goddamn post? It is one or the other, you don't see too many fucking published books around with a big OR between TWO GODDAMN TITLES. ONE OR THE OTHER. You think you are original because you do this? This DUAL TITLE trick? There are so many shitty sheep on this site that do that, it is not funny, witty, or original. It is just faggotry to the maximum.
============================================
Tool^
Sideburns two titles is the shit, i tend to do so myself
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-02-20 08:32:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus christ if I had to deal with parents like that Id make sure to keep a metal pipe around. Then whenever one of them would say something like that Id knock them upside the head with the pipe.
Thats just fucking wrong.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-02-20 08:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tis a pity were talking about your mom nere but In reality the guy has a point. Every once ina while teh Guy needs a blow. If she wont give him one even after hes a had a good munch at her bevaer then he has every right to get upset. Man I fucking hate prudish bitches who think themselves to good to suck a little cock. Since its genatically impossible for your mom to still be a catholic school girl she has to get the fuck over her "Issues" with sex or she will find herself dumped again and again and again. fridgidity bites. Again sorry this has to be about your mom.
C
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-20 06:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, Never ask a question you don't even want to know the answer to.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-02-20 06:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There there... there there.
Submitted by PolPot (user info) at 2004-02-20 06:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, you stupid faggot, why have two titles for your goddamn post? It is one or the other, you don't see too many fucking published books around with a big OR between TWO GODDAMN TITLES. ONE OR THE OTHER. You think you are original because you do this? This DUAL TITLE trick? There are so many shitty sheep on this site that do that, it is not funny, witty, or original. It is just faggotry to the maximum.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-02-20 06:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you, Sideburns.
Submitted by Porter (user info) at 2004-02-20 02:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, I was supposed to give this a 2 last time, I dunno why I forgot, anyway, here it is.
Submitted by Porter (user info) at 2004-02-20 02:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, fly to japan. fly there as soon as you can, and as fast as you can, and when you get there, change your name. once your parents think they can talk to you about their sex life, IT NEVER ENDS!!!
"Well, your young, your generations seems all sexuall, do you have any pointers for me on how to please your mother son? Oh, and what is this male G spot I keep hearing about, you should show your mother how to find that on me."
"Porter, your father says he wants to start some beasiality in the bedroom, is that like a new position or something? Like an advanced doggy style?"
"Son, I'm havin some trouble gettin it up as of late. Think you and I could take a trip down to the sex shop and see what they got that might help? Tell me, do they have fitting rooms there? I wanna know the stuff fits before I buy it, maybe you could help confirm that for me."
Anyway, great post dude.
Porter
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-20 01:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol! omg this is tooootally like in 8 Milez when EMINEM!! (he'z soo hot!!!!11eleven) and hizz mom R tlaking and sh'es all like OMG WTF HE WONT" GO DOWN ON ME WTF!! and emineminem is like WTF MOM I DONT" WANNA HEAR UR STUIPD TLAKING!!!! STFU BITHC!! and then i forget, lolz...
hahaha, sorry, i had to do that cause i was going to refer to 8 mile, but felt like a teeny bopper doing it... pretty good story. i wonder if all these are really true. if so, you have a really fucked up family. sorry man.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-20 01:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they have really fast Internet connections in Japan.
man, your family is weird.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-20 01:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"The Pussy ain't laughing. It's yawning."
I'm laughing so hard right now because I think he actually infers that I thought that cat was laughing.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The Pussy ain't laughing. It's yawning.
I'm glad my family is normal. Heck, in my mind, my parents don't even have sex.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to make a really easy rude joke, but I'll settle for just giving you a +2.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"However, Ewika and I wouldn't have time for you men. We like each other too much."
That's cool. I'll bring the video camera.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna go to the island.
However, Ewika and I wouldn't have time for you men. We like each other too much.
NEWSFLASH!!! Justy, your folks are nuts.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all i can say is I heard my mom say "fuck" ONCE.
That was when my parents returned from a weeklong vacation and saw the condition that
multiple keggers leave on a house. Bad bad story....
Anyway, that comment that "Dale" made had me cracking up
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What beer bong said.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-02-20 00:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh you poor, poor, bastard.
Submitted by aswicked (user info) at 2004-02-19 22:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Trying to get two stubborn, stupid rednecks to resolve their problems is like putting Justin Timberlake in a room full of women with loose tops and telling him to keep his hands to himself. It's just not going to happen."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
wow.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-02-19 22:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jebus.
So now what - encourage your mother to suck more cock?
Just go straight to Japan.
They have interent there.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha. The cat was funny. Dammit 'Burns, I'm not going to be able to post until Wednesday now.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we are gonna populate it with the best of the best... but if you fuck anything up: your ass is mine. literally.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm in! Can we bring Kristen and Erika(Phoenix)? Three guys on an island sounds fun, but maybe bring some ladies, just in case.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That man is one sick bastard.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:50:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we gonna buy green land, blow off the tip and float the whole works down to the tropics, then we are gonna grow pot and trade it for broadband internet access...
for more details follow the link below
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25987#392127
Submitted by jeetkunetony (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahhahah, plus a bajillion million hundred.2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caula- Nope, didn't dropkick him. I clotheslined him then gave him the People's Elbow.
Yes- How is New Greenland?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thats sick, dude... you should kill them both and take over their identities... then move to New Greenland with me and theref.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
eeeh
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-02-19 21:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you drop kick the guy ?