Dungeons and dial-up (789 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.4 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Al <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-20 11:15:18 EST
'All was not well, in the kingdom of Dell
Nasty monsters, make our lives hell,
The king's in a fret, cause he's losing dough,
So come to his aid, or money you'll owe'
'Wait' muttered the wizard Java, 'You got paid for that?'
'Hmmpf' the rather indignant minstrel moaned,'It's only a .wav file. What did you expect, bloody Bach?'
'Well it would have been nice...' Java started, before he was silenced by the ferocious glare of the lute-playing midget.
'Anywhoo, what did that obscene proclamation mean? If it is another rant about how much i owe, i told you, i'm working on it! Just this morning i managed to turn a chicken into a bar of lead. Just as soon as i make gold, my taxes will be paid in full.'
'Look, in case the bloody song wasn't clear enough, the kingdom has filled with nasty monsters. Spyware, popups and the like. Well, this has naturally put the king in a spot of bother. You see, if we drop down to just one star on 'Gates' guide to ye olde villages' then we'll lose half of our business to Ahktersbridge. So the king has been asking debters to come forward and quest to find the source of the monsters. If they suceed, then their debts are wiped away. If they refuse to comply, well, they don't get such a good deal.'
'What happens to them?'
'Oh it's nothing really'
'WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM?'
'Yeesh, no need to summon CapsLock. Look, I'll come clean with ya, they get executed.'
'Charming!', Java groaned,'But why debters? Can't you just send those pompous heroes in, and they'll get the job done faster than you can say 'loincloth'!'
'Well you see, all the heroes in the kingdom have the unfortunate handicap of being dead', the minstrel sighed, 'Even that bugger Norton has pissed off to some far off land, demanding resubscription.'
'Yes, he always was a bit of a prat', Java agreed, 'But what exactly do you want ME to do?'
'Well you know, cast spells, summon demons, get in the way of arrows, hero stuff. Anyway, we can talk about it on the way to the palace, there we get to meet with the other debters you will have to quest with. Oh, and the one hero that isn't dead. Sir Adaware the mildly retarded.'
'No. Couldn't you just paint a target on our foreheads and send us in unarmed? Couldn't you just coat us in gasoline and send us into a volcano? Anything but working with that asshat!'
'Look buddy, I'm just the minstrel. I sing and that's my job. Due to some bizarre technical error, he is a hero, and unless he gets some hero-ing done, then he'll start drooling all over the palace, and trust me, the king values drool-free carpet far more than your life.'
'Bah, E.S.A.D.' Java spat, and they walked off into the sunset, to meet with the king.
************************************************************************
Meanwhile, things had being going pretty swell for the lord of Interporn, Cookie (which was indeed an unfortunate name for an evil overlord, but he did so love the look on the faces of lowly peasants when they discovered that he was not actually some fuckwit from sesame street). It had been three days since he had escaped from the recycle pits, and already he had flooded the kingdom with Spyware and popups. Thanks to his buddies, the '/\/\@|) 7331 |-|@X0RZ' sending in trojans and worms, he could basically sit back and eat crumpets while the entire realm pissed themselves. Of course, occasionally he had to get up and execute someone, but who said that being an evil overlord wasn't tough?
Finally, his serenity was interrupted by a grizzly, rough voice, suggesting that perhaps a porcupine had chosen that creature's throat as the ideal spot to expire.
'Master' It croaked, 'We have seized the King'
User Reviews
Submitted by KoolWang (user info) at 2004-05-29 07:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wanga-langa-ding-dong
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-10 15:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Smegma does not equal kickass
Submitted by cshape <caleshapera.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-23 01:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*1337
Submitted by kilndropheaven (user info) at 2004-02-20 18:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet +1--- you get a special bonus because you wrote a review in which you told an asshat to drown in smegma. +1 for smegma= +2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice...
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-02-20 13:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How come no one has rated this yet?
Very clever!
--HeimdallsMan