The First Real Shitfight (1081 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.5 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fleet Marshall Badass (View user info) at 2004-02-22 10:56:59 EST
There really is no better description than "shifight". Just so you know, a shitfight is someone, or something, that's completely deplorable - this goes beyond "below standard", or "sub-par". The Army, where a Sergeant may come down on his soldiers like a shitstorm, utilising the term "shitfight" in some of the following examples, generally uses the term the best:
"You know something, Private X, you're a WALKING FUCKING SHITFIGHT! NOW GET BACK TO THE BLOCKS AND FIND YOUR PANTS!"
It's quite an easy term to apply to almost any situation. People who lose shit, look bad, can't march, or just fuck up a lot get called "shitfight". And I hadn't seen a literal example of a shitfight, until about half way through last year.
It was a sunny Monday morning, and it was the kind of day you could tolerate anything on. True, we had an inspection that morning, but we'd prepared for it over the weekend and everything was so shiny, so fresh, and so clean, clean. Our entire section had gone out on the piss the night before as well, but we all pulled up fine in the morning, and we all felt pretty good.
Except for O'Connor.
See, Sunday was O'Connor's 18th birthday, and since we don't live in the US, we can legally drink at 18, so naturally, we took him out for his birthday and got him and ourselves well trashed. He did all the usual 18th birthday things: drank too much, threw up, kept drinking and got a blowjob in the toilets (it only cost us $80 - we're the best mates ever). Then he came home, stumbling and singing the whole way. In the 50 metres between the taxi and his room, he fell over six times and threw up twice. Luckily, he hadn't thrown up in the lines or anything, so our inspection preparation wasn't ruined. We sent him to bed with a bottle of water and then we all turned in for a good kip.
Now, O'Connor didn't show up for roll call. This didn't bother us too much - nobody ever showed up to roll call all the time anyway. We knocked on his door when we got back - no answer. We went to breakfast - no O'Connor. We came back for the inspection - he's in the bathroom, he's locked the door, the shower's going, and something fucking stinks in the laundry. And the inspection had pretty much started as soon as everyone had gotten back.
We were fucked.
Anyway, since nobody could go into the laundry, there were four of us trying to get O'Connor out of the shower - yelling and screaming and finally we hear the water turn off. He steps out of the shower exactly when our Sergeant goes into my corridor (Our section consists of two corridors with four rooms each, laundry, toilets and bathroom). We hear him ask Miller:
"Where's Midshipman Badass?"
"Uh, he's doing the Section Leader thing trying to get O'Connor out of the shower, Sergeant."
"Right."
So I'm fucked now. One of my section mates is locked in the shower, and the laundry smells like a bunch of cunts, so as the Section Leader, it's my job to receive from aft on this one. But at least my cabin and the rest of the section were all right. He comes round the corner at exactly the same time as O'Connor opens the shower door:
"Midshipman Badass, what the fuck is going on?"
"Nothing now Sarge, just getting Mick out of the shower."
"What the fuck is in the laundry? It smells like a bunch of cunts!"
"I didn't want to go in there - I have no idea what it is."
So the Sergeant goes in the laundry, and the drier's running. I hear it stop as he opens the door.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! O'CONNOR, GET THE FUCK HERE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!"
"Yes, Sergeant?"
"WHY WERE YOU IN THE SHOWER DURING MY INSPECTION?! WHY ARE YOU NOT IN UNIFORM RIGHT NOW?! AND WHY ARE YOUR BLANKETS SITTING IN THE DRIER, COVERED IN SHIT?!"
"Uh—"
"Come with me. I don't think your section mates need to hear about this."
We did. It turns out that O'Connor had shat himself in his sleep. He'd had a big night, and hit it harder than any of us, but you don't just shit yourself. Then he threw everything into the washing machine, without cleaning it or anything. Then he went and cleaned himself off, and after about two minutes of the washing machine being on, he's gone and put the soaking wet bedding in the fucking drier! There was shit in the washing machine, shit had fallen off the sheets onto the laundry floor, and there was shit in the drier. Officer Cadet Mick O'Connor was the first real shitfight, and hasn't heard the end of it since.
Since that day I've seen only one other case of a literal shitfight, and that story can wait for later. As a response to this, I'd like to hear of other shitfights; not necessarily literally, but someone you know at work, school, or elsewhere who qualifies as a shitfight. Then I want to hear about how you abuse and insult that shitfight, because giving people shit is funny.
Thank you, and may you never become the shitfight that everyone picks on.
User Reviews
Submitted by maggs sucks cock <nope> at 2004-06-24 00:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what kind of friend do you call yourself. so much for helping each other out. people like you are a cancer in the ADF, you deserve to be cut out and cut away.
Two words for you maggs. Key Board
Submitted by paris at 2004-06-23 23:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh my god you lazy fuck!
you stole this story
it happened to a third year when we were in first year, you would have heard it at the regimental dinning in
fuck head, you are full of shit
Submitted by Sonra (user info) at 2004-02-23 04:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
o_O
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-02-22 22:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Ash. I went to sea for a couple of months. Hey, does anybody know who jeremy.at.citrus.ucr.edu or rysland.at.mallesons.com are? I think they've sent me viruses or something. No reason for any of you to know, just though I'd check and see if anybody actually thought I was that bad a writer to send me viruses.
Badass.
Submitted by TatteredAndTorn (user info) at 2004-02-22 20:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
no pun intended, seriously
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-02-22 20:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, and that is not easy to achieve.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-02-22 17:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey look, it's Badass. Where'd you go?
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-02-22 13:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh, I smiled.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-02-22 11:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/20543
This is the best 'shitfight' I've experienced.