Man those S&M people are bossy! (3354 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by PMJ <potatomanjack79.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-24 13:42:59 EST
From: http://www.ubersite.com/m/25298 Thanks Quartermain!
Well, my story takes place in the great multi-cultural city of Montreal. It's the city where I grew up, and the city that I love. Sure it's cold in the winter and the politics are crap, but when you can walk down a main street downtown and see 3 strip clubs on one block, you know that you're living in one hell of a town.
I was originally supposed to go out with my girlfriend this past weekend to a dinner/movie combination that has typified the average date for generations. What better way to spend an evening than by first stuffing your face so that you didn't have to talk and then sitting in a big dark room where you're also not supposed to talk. It's perfect. However, this was not meant to be because my gal came down with a cold mid-week and rather than spend the weekend holding a Kleenex to her nose just so that I could get sick, we decided to push our plans back a week.
No skin off my nose, I'll just call up the boys and head out for a drunken stupor inducing evening right?
Wrong, the boys were headed up north, and I was too late to weasel my way into the trip. Damnit! What to do now? I guess I could sit at home and fondle myself, but I do that enough as it is, time to try something new.
But what? But where?
So I got to thinking about just what I could do and at first I was very sad by the incredibly limited possibilities that I saw left to me from my normal repertoire of weekend activities. The more I thought about it though, the more the word normal became less important. I mean, here I am, a 24 year old male professional with a whole Saturday night ahead of me, a big budget from living at home, and a taste for adventure. What was holding me back?
That's right; nothing.
So, I walked out to my car, turned the key in the ignition, threw a Rolling Stones CD in, and hit the road. I didn't have a destination in mind, but I figured if downtown Montreal couldn't offer me something new, than nothing could... Well, maybe space exploration with radiation mixed in could. I mean I've always wanted to see a girl with three boobs like in Total Recall.
After a 20 minutes cruising I found myself inching my way down the crowded streets of western downtown Montreal. My head swiveled from left to right as I looked for a club or bar that I had never been to. However, no matter where I looked I felt no excitement for even if I hadn't been to the place itself, I knew I had been to five others just like it.
I wanted something new. I wanted something different. I wanted something exotic.
I kept driving, and before I knew it I was crossing the line into eastern downtown Montreal. The place where all bets are off. A virtual trip through the looking glass. A place so strange that maybe even your bartender won't speak English.
As I rolled further into this funhouse of a city core, my eyes caught a sign that held my attention longer than the others. The place was called Nefertiti's, and it had the kind of pull that only a bar with the word 'titi' in the title can have.
I found a parking place close by, and made my way to the entrance. There was no line, and the bouncer gave me a strange look up and down as if there was something wrong with my beige cargos and black collared shirt combination. But he let me in none the less, and so after depositing my coat with a rather darkly clad coat check girl, I strolled into the den.
As soon as I hit the floor I knew I was in over my head. Never had I seen so much black clothing, pierced body parts, and leather all in the same place. I thought to myself 'this was not the place for your twenty-something banker' and my suspicions were confirmed by the slew of evil looks that all the patrons that noticed me shot in my direction.
I do have pride though, and I wouldn't be chased out of the bar so easily. So I forced myself to go to the bar and have at least one hurried drink before I turned tail and ran.
I made my way to the bar, and sat down at an empty stool, and signaled to the bartender. As she made her way over I could see she too was taking me in just as I was doing the same to her. I believe that my business casual ensemble was as much a shock to her as was the fact that she had as much metal in her face as an entire class of 13 year old private school girls have in their collective mouths. However, as she reached my area of the bar, she gave me a warm smile, and pleasantly asked what I would like to drink.
Things were looking a little better to me at this point and so I ordered a scotch on the rocks to prove that although I didn't have a bolt shot through my nose and leather pants, I was still a man. She brought me my drink and then rather than going back to whatever duties had occupied here earlier, she asked me my name and occupation.
Before I knew it, we were deep into a very philosophical conversation and I was on my 5th scotch which no longer was being ordered with ice. It was at this point that I realized I had to drive home but was in no condition to do so. I brought up this predicament with Shadowchild (as I had discovered was her name) and she was happy to offer me a place on her couch where I could sleep off my medicine head and I gladly accepted.
The night wore on with many more drinks, and before I knew it, Nefertiti's was closing down. I helped the staff as best I could and then walked out with Shadowchild. 15 minutes of walking later, and we arrived at her place. A cozy little studio deep in the east end of Montreal, and when I say cozy, I mean that it was too small to have both a bed and a couch. It looked as if the two of us would be bunking together for the night.
Now, I'm not a cheater, and I had no plans of changing that fact, but I also am not a huge fan of sleeping on hardwood and so I agreed to share the bed. Heck, it was a pretty normal thing in college and I figured the two of us could sleep in close quarters without anything strange happening.
How wrong I was, and how much of an understatement 'strange' is.
After passing out relatively quickly due to my drunken nature, it was quite a shock, both literally and figuratively to wake up with my arms and legs tied to steel bedposts (which I was just now noticing) with chain restraints that released and contracted with the push of a button. Also, there was a very live car battery hooked up to my nipples.
Shadowchild was standing over me dressed in a blood red leather corset and hot pants with an ignition switch in one hand and a cat of nine tails in the other.
But you see, I was still nice and plastered and I really couldn't grasp the nature of my predicament or feel much pain through my intoxicated nerve endings. So, as Shadowchild began to give orders, I was too wasted to really understand or care. It kind of went like this:
Shadow: "GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG LIKE THE DOG THAT YOU ARE!!"
Me: "You've got a dog? Does he need to be walked or something?"
Shadow: "NO!!! YOU'RE THE DOG, NOW BEG!!"
Me: "What? I don't have your dog."
Shadow: "SHUT UP AND PRETEND TO BE A DOG!!"
Me: "That's cool, I had an imaginary friend too when I was a kid. Mine was a pretend bear though, not a pretend dog."
Shadow: "NO NO NO!! You're the dog. You have to pretend to be a dog!"
Me: "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your pretend dog."
Shadow: "I don't have a pretend dog!"
Me: "Well why did you say that you had one then?"
Shadow: "I didn't!"
Me: "Do you have a pretend cat too for your pretend dog to chase?" *chuckle*
Shadow: "NO!!!! Now be quiet, you're not playing fairly."
Me: "Now you want to be a fairy?"
Shadow: "Argh!! I'm an evil mistress for Christ's sake!" *stomps foot* "You have to listen to me!!"
Me: "OK OK, we can play fairy house with your pretend dog and cat, and don't worry I won't tell anyone."
Shadow: "This isn't fair! You're using drunk logic!"
Me: "Life's not fair. Can I have a sandwich?"
Shadow: "OK" *sniff* "Do you want turkey or ham?"
The sandwich was great, but let me tell you, you have to be careful, because man can those S&M people be bossy. I mean, she even made me wash my plate right after I was done.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-25 14:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You promised you wouldn't tell!!!!
ARGH!
Submitted by UberGirl (user info) at 2005-04-24 03:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's sexy
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-04 20:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
awww.... poor girl, all she wanted was to dominate you
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 09:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real? Fiction? Who cares! It's hilarious.
Krautski: You misspelled "Sehr Gut." What kind of no-good German are you if you can't even spell that right?
Submitted by Krautski (user info) at 2004-08-29 08:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zer gut
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-23 02:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-03-23 15:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
spank me baby
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-23 05:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
50 reviews for you.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-03-21 04:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?? +2!
Submitted by Sacrew (user info) at 2004-03-21 04:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PULP FICTION FLAHBACK......without the assraping.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-03-20 01:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why no picture?
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-09 15:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BORED AT WORK. i just emailed bart about this!
Loved it.
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-03-09 12:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!!!!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-03-04 17:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story...one of the best ever!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass!
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-03-01 16:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me make 42 +2
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-03-01 15:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And it's the top of the Best Ever list...
+2 for Montreal - Montreal fuckin' rules.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-01 15:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PMJ,
I love the conversation with the dominatrix. That's classic.
Submitted by AnnabelLee (user info) at 2004-02-29 23:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PMJ, PMJ, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can!
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-02-24 23:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Phinch: I believe the word you are looking for is "Fantastikupo!"
PMJ: This post is absolutely fantastikupo!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-02-24 21:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best times of my life was getting drunk in downtown west St. Catherine in montreal last October, and then deciding to walk home at 2 in the morning, by myself. It took me about 2 hours to walk all the way back home, and let's just say I met some of the most interesting, freaky, amazing people of my life. Hell, that walk could be inspiration for a few posts of its own.
What a place, man.
+2 for downtown Montreal.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-02-24 20:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ain't gonna spoil a perfect score just cause I'm jealous. Good story!!!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-24 19:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She must have been fairly new to the whole 'evil mistress' bit. I don't know,sniffling, saying 'you're not playing fair' and stomping your foot doesn't really say 'evil mistress' to me.
Unless she's stomping on some poor bastard's testicles, that is.
Submitted by Beren (user info) at 2004-02-24 18:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the cold coffee shooting out of my nose at the office. Great story!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-02-24 18:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Me: 'Life's not fair. Can I have a sandwich?'"
Sir, I am appalled! Everyone knows its SAMMICH.
Great post though.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-02-24 17:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As if this post needs another 2. =P
Great convo with the S&M chick.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-02-24 16:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funfact: there's more than one strip club per kilometer of road on St-Catherine street
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh... weird. Apparently I have spent my life being naive to this whole vampire subculture frilly shirt business.
Now I can truly say I learned something today.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
West-Island is lovely.
I used to live in Pointe-Claire.
By the way, this summer, go on the St-Elizabeth's "terasse". You'll love it, trust me.
Good post +2 again :)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Onegirl: You know, he used to play vampire games with all his vampire buddies and wear frilly shirts. Then he joined the Navy and they smartened his ass up nice and quick. No more frilly shirts.
Caul: I'm from the West Island
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PMJ: Your brother used to be a vampire? How does that work???
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, thats happened to me a few times in vegas...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" I guess I could sit at home and fondle myself, but I do that enough as it is, time to try something new."
And to think, I would have just stayed home and fondled myself.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nefertiti's is a Goth/S&M bar that my brother (who used to be a vampire) would go to. I have no idea where it's located, but I'm pretty sure it's in the eastern part of downtown Montreal. That's where all the crazy clubs are.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This HAS to go on Bored at Work.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-02-24 15:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this bar for real ?
Sounds like "Le Saphir" or "Les Foufs" to me.
Where do you live in Mtl ?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She doesn't have a dish washer!?!? NOOO!!!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff PMJ. Is Nefertiti's a real place? I've been to a lot of clubs in the area and I don't recall that one. Sounds pretty cool if it is real. I'm a banker, too and I love my women freaky.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW... i passed in front of this bar once. Scared me though.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious. Great story, well written. I used to have a girlfriend like that. Half the time I was so intimidated that any possible enjoyment was removed. Scary, scary people, and it's always the ones you don't expect...
Submitted by LaNa (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Would you have liked it better if I said be a bear instead of a dog?
Geez!
I'm an evil mistress not a psychic dammit!
~LaNa :)
ps...good story kiddo.
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, I was just joshing you
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit was that funny! I was laughing so hard, I had tears!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant, yes, it was a compliment.
Jesus, I am an idiot sometimes.
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have +2'd a compliment!
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was that an insult or complement?
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PMJ: the reason Ubersite is the place it is. I tip my hat to you sir.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:03:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I could help. Just one question though, if you were chained to the bed, how did she expect you to get on your knees and beg?
-----
"with chain restraints that released and contracted with the push of a button."
Sorry, I was worried about that. I don't think it's very clear.
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had an imaginary friend too, I only talked to him to piss other people off, I used him as an indirect way to insult my friends, For instance:
ME: "Torvold says your a fuckin loser, Jim"
JIM:"I fucking hate Torvold"
I can't believe Shadowchild made you clean your own plate. That's not what the proper leather-wearing S&M babe is supposed to do. Good thing you were drunk, you might have been offended by her lack of manners.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-24 14:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I could help. Just one question though, if you were chained to the bed, how did she expect you to get on your knees and beg?
I got conned into going to a S&M/goth/general weirdness type of bar about a month ago. Creeped me the hell out.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-24 13:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen: I'll write your idea but I'm afraid you'll be very disapointed. You see, the title you gave me is "What happened in my basement", but I think the story that you want to hear didn't take place anywhere near my basement. In fact it was in the basement of Wellsley (sp?) college.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-24 13:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Phinch: How about mantabulous?
Sean: When are you going to get around to MY idea???
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-24 13:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this started off slow, but ended in pure radiating awesomeness.
I have to get a new word for awesome.