The big fat hairy guy is always the solution (3218 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Azriel (View user info) at 2004-02-25 12:19:49 EST
Everybody knows about it. But nobody ever talks about it. The biggest stress in a man's life is losing the capacity to have an erection at will.
The first time it happened was when I was in 6th grade. I was playing hide and seek with friends outside in the snow. I was lying down and there it happened. After that, if my pants were too soft: Boner, if I saw too much leg: Boner, took a bath: Boner and if the wind was too strong: BONER BONER BONER!
I am slowly getting older now. My wanker is not reacting as fast as it was. I have more control over my friend down there. I can decide if now's the time and place to let him loose. There are plus sides to all of this but I fear time is catching up on me. Or so I thought;
My girlfriend needed vacation. She was exhausted, always complaining that her back hurt or that she was tired. Since I'm a very good boyfriend, I bought her a 4 days stay at "L'auberge du Lac Taureau". For those who don't know what it is, it's one of the best spa resorts in North America. I had booked her massages, reflexology, baths, facial cares, and the whole nine yards. But instead of letting her go there alone, I booked for me too. I could use massages too I thought.
First of all, the place is magnificent. The food was awesome, the scenery incredible but I was a little uncomfortable with the concept of facial cares and reflexoly for men. I thought: "I hope the therapists are hot".
Once in our room, I found two envelopes on the table with our names on it. I gave my girlfriend hers and opened mine. It was our cares schedule for the duration of our stay. My first day was: Reflexology, press therapy and blaneotherapy. Second day: one hour massage and facial care. Third day: sanding under the rain ...
Me : "Hey, what the hell is Reflexology? You look at yourself in the miror for an hour?"
Girlfriend : "Moron".
She never answered my question. So there I was, anxious about my first care. It was supposed to be relaxing damn it. We headed to the care center and got dressed. Well, we put on a bathrobe and slippers. Since I had forgotten my slippers, they lent me a pair of cheap, plastic slippers. I broke a pair putting them on, a pair going up the stairs, a pair going down the stairs and a pair removing them. I'm sure they thought I was in cheap slippers contraband.
DAY 1:
I enter the reflexology room. There was a big bed with a ton of blankets on it. No fuckin' mirrors. I first thought I was in the wrong room but then an old woman came in.
Old Woman: "You must be François"
Me: "Eh ... yes. Where are the mirrors?"
O-W: "Excuse me? Well, we might want to proceed. Please get under the blankets."
Me: "Do I have to remove these slippers? 'cause I might brake them if I do"
O-W: "Yes, please remove them, I will need free access to your feet."
Me: "My feet? Ohhhhh, my feet. A foot massage."
O-W: "Yes, reflexology is the science that studies nerve endings and you have lots of them in your feet."
Me: "Oh.. right. Where's the hot chick?"
After having my foot massage done, she brought me to a weird looking machine. I had to put big yellow tubes around my legs and lay down on a chair. The machine would then pressure my legs one after the other for 35 minutes.
O-W: "Need a coffee? An apple? Please relax and I'll be back in 35 minutes"
Me: "EXCUSE ME? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, THE MACHINE IS TOO LOUD."
Then, balneotherapy. Basically, this is a bath with algae in it. Smells really funny and massages you with bubbles. After having a blaneotherapy treatment.
Back at my room, I had to take a shower to get rid of the bad smell and ooze I had all over my body.
Day 2:
Massage time. Five pair of slippers and 10 minutes later, I'm back at the care center in my brown bathrobe and boxers. I enter the massage room, remove my bathrobe and lie down on the massage table. After closing my eyes I hear someone coming in the room.
Therapist: "Hi, my name is John and I will be your masseuse for today".
Me: "WHERE ARE THE HOT CHICKS FOR CHRIST SAKE???"
Therapist: "Eh?"
Day 3:
Now was time for sanding under the rain. There were two problems here. First, I didn't need my feet sandblasted and second, it wasn't raining outside. Actually, it was snowing.
Me: "Can I keep my pants and shirt since it's snowing outside?"
Front desk lady: "What?"
Me: "I'm not getting out with only my boxers in this temperature lady"
F-D-L: "Eh, we have special rooms for this sir. You just need to put your bathrobe and slippers and go that way"
Me: "humpf.... I knew that!!! For what do you take me for?"
Since I'm a little bit early, I go sit in the waiting room for my therapist to come and get me and start on reading something about bad skin problems. This is where the earth stopped turning. She entered the room like an angel. 5'7, blond hair, blue eyes, beautiful smile.
Hot chick: "Hello, my name is Cassandre. I will be your Therapist for the Sanding".
Me: "grumlnbbiaeheih".
We then entered the special room and my heart stopped. It was like a restroom with tiles all over a big thingy hanging from the roof where I supposed the water would fall from and a bed in the middle of the room. She was explaining what kind of lotion she would use on me and what the machine would do and to tell her if the water was too hot or too cold and she went on and on and on. But she didn't notice I wasn't listening to her at this point. I was fixed on only ONE thing. One hell of a small thing.
Me: "Wha, wha ... what's that?" Pointing at the only thing on the massage table ... a hand towel.
Hot chick: "Your hand towel"
Me: "Oh ok, and why would I need a hand towel for?"
Hot Chick: "To cover yourself, I'm going to get out of the room for 2 minutes, you lie down on the table and put the hand towel around your genitals and pull it up on your butt cheeks". All this said with a large grin on her face.
Me: "riiiiight."
So she gets out of the room and I get to the task. Now I don't know if you've noticed but a hand towel is SMALL. You can't cover shit with that! I do my best to cover my ass and stop moving.
She comes back in the room in a bikini and asks me if everything is okay. I take a deep breath and answer yes. She then starts the shower and hot water starts streaming down my body. She then starts massaging me and talking to me at the same time.
Brain: Think of a happy place, think of a happy place... no no NOOOOOOOOOO think of the space shuttle, think of my boss, think of Celine Dion.
Hot chick: "Is this good?"
Me: "Hummm Hummm"
Hot chick: "I'll do this side first and then you turn around"
Me: "WHAT? I HAVE TO TURN AROUND?"
Brain: THINK HARDER.. no no, not harder think of a dog, a talking dog.. the dog is smiling, the dog had nice boobs and.. NOOOOO NO, think of a duck..
Me: "WHERE'S THE BIG FAT HAIRY GUY? MOOOOMY!!!"
Who said that at 28 years old, your best friend wasn't thinking by himself anymore? And I thought Spas were supposed to be relaxing!
User Reviews
Submitted by DaJerk (user info) at 2004-10-11 19:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yo kai070169 , I am about 6'2 and about 250lbs , I have played football with guys twice my size that would go to these places once every 2 weeks that could probably cripple you permantly for life with one hand . Real men , ... please ...
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-02-26 13:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh the irony
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-02-26 12:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fag. REAL men don't do spas, they're only appealing or practical for feminine types. Didja get your Brazilian wax done too? I bet you're a Senators fan to boot. Figures! Post was boring & too long.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-02-25 21:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"grumlnbbiaeheih".
Indeed.
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2004-02-25 19:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear the big hairy guys don't even give you a towel...
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-02-25 18:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoopsie.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-02-25 17:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you woulda tossed her a 20 she woulda sucked you off... wanker.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-02-25 16:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha.
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-02-25 15:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-25 15:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, i've heard a similar story before from a friend. good times.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-25 15:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the bone massage technique too.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-02-25 14:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I bet you do.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-02-25 14:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While I am not much for being pampered like some frufru at a spa...
True form would dictate hanging the towel from just your swollen member
-Turtle
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-25 14:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the boner massage technique.
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2004-02-25 13:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-02-25 13:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story
Submitted by Raymond (user info) at 2004-02-25 13:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well actually, she was nice to me. I turned around and she started to laugh and said : "Well, you must be REALLY comfortable. Don't worry, happens all the time."
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
What did she say about your boner?
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quartermain, hehehe. Ironic. She even paid for it.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
A friend of mine's girlfriend got him a massage once,thinking it would be a nice birthday present. Unfortunately she called a random massage service from the local artsy-fartsy alternative paper and he ended up with a woman who came over not expecting to actually have to give a massage.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and i thought this would have a happy ending.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAA!!!
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-02-25 12:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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